How to get rid of anger - advice from a psychologist. Toxic Anger: How to Get Rid of Angry Feelings Strong Anger
In my practice, I often have to observe the following phenomenon. Clients refuse to feel anger, suppress it in themselves, they say, this is bad. And this happens both consciously and at an unconscious level. Another discovery I made about anger is that some people confuse it with confidence. Still others experience this emotion, suffer, but cannot help themselves.
That's what I would like to talk about anger now. What it is? What is its nature - destructive or constructive? Why are we experiencing it? Do I need to do something about it? To begin with, let's figure out when, in what cases most often (according to my observations) a person starts to get angry.
Where does anger come from?
- Other people go beyond the personal boundaries of a person. And since we do not always have enough confidence and resources inside us to respond calmly, we begin to get angry. This is such a way of protecting our “territory”, which we use on an unconscious level. In fact, a person may not know, not understand about his boundaries, but he feels discomfort, some words or actions of another person are unpleasant for him, and this serves as a reason for aggression.
- If some of our needs (physiological, social, etc.) remain unsatisfied, frustration sets in. A person does not get what he wants (no matter through his own fault, the fault of circumstances or the people around him), and under anger there is always resentment. Only rarely does anyone realize this, but anger, as it seems to us, "floats" on the surface.
- Anger at oneself, which can be the result of other feelings and emotions experienced by a person. For example, shame or guilt for what you did, did not do, or did, but the result was not what you wanted. Such anger is inherent in self-demanding individuals who are very self-critical. On the one hand, this destroys a person, but on the other hand, it acts as an incentive for growth and self-development (the “whip” method that a person applies to himself).
Who is at risk for anger?
Failures in self-esteem is one of the telltale signs of people who get angry - consciously and unconsciously, with or without reason, often or periodically. And here we can distinguish several varieties of "angry" subjects:
A person with high self-esteem. He has built very strong own boundaries, he knows them very well and instantly feels even timid attempts to invade, therefore he is in a state of constant protection, he is on guard. Such people are extremely suspicious of everything that others say and think about their person, and if, God forbid, criticism begins ... Here anger can turn into real aggression.
A person with low self-esteem. This is the case when the subject has no boundaries at all (he did not create them, does not feel them, they have already managed to “majorly” destroy them). Therefore, a person cannot say or do anything, he only feels resentment, pain, suffering. Most often, such people do not show their anger for two main reasons. Firstly, they are afraid to declare themselves, so as not to create an even worse opinion of themselves, so that they are turned away. They are afraid to be alone, to become the object of a “boycott”. Secondly, a person may simply not have the strength and internal resources to show anger. He just got used to "swallowing" insults, afraid to stick his head out of the sea of his fears and complexes.
Why do people not want to be angry?
- As a child, my parents told me not to be angry, that it was bad. Of course, in a child, this was deposited in his “piggy bank”, turning into a life attitude.
- The child saw some scene where anger was involved, and it shocked him, he experienced stress, received psychological trauma. Naturally, he understood well for himself that being angry is very bad, scary, ugly, painful ...
- The parent, by his behavior, gave the child a clear “example” on the topic of anger. And small man could automatically adopt this and start behaving the same way. Here is a pattern of behavior.
- A child in childhood could show anger towards his peers, for which he received in the neck from them, and also constantly “received” a belt from his parents or stood in the corner. In the end, he made a completely logical conclusion that it was not safe for him to show anger.
The child pushes all this into his unconscious, from where the “lessons” about anger do not disappear anywhere. In this way, the “shadow side” according to Jung is formed. A person does not recognize and does not accept himself as evil, therefore he completely refuses such an emotion or character trait. And if he also begins to deliberately be kind (“ back side"Angry") and presents himself to society just like that, this is called a "person" according to Jung. As a result, an internal conflict arises, which can easily lead to neurosis.
Now let's think about what kind of people we meet on the path of such a person. Of course, they are evil, because, suppressing anger in himself, he projects his shadow side onto others and sees only angry and aggressive people around. They seem to indicate to him what is hidden in his unconscious, what he so diligently once hid there. And this is a reason to think - am I doing everything right, is it possible to change something?
Should you suppress your anger?
You may be very surprised now, but believe me - as a specialist I know what I'm talking about. In fact, anger can be a help to you. It has a lot of energy - for action, so it can really help in achieving goals and desires, in meeting your needs, in protecting your borders.
But you can't just suppress your anger. Otherwise, it turns out such a dissonance - everything is in order on the outside, we are calm, but from the inside this emotion literally eats us up. This may well result in psychosomatics. In my practice, angry, but not "giving out" clients to others often suffered from gastrointestinal diseases and toothache. But these are just my observations. Perhaps the practice of other specialists could add to this list of ailments.
Anger needs to be seen and acknowledged. It is necessary to leave a place for her in your life, not pushing her into the unconscious and not convincing yourself and others that you "do not get angry, in any case, it seemed to you." If anger appears, do not feel guilty, do not reproach yourself. Better try to "dig" deeper and figure out the reasons. Why is that? What pissed you off or who constantly pisses you off?
How can you work on anger on your own?
All situations and people that appear in our lives do not come just like that. They are needed in order to teach us something, to push something, to show what we do not see, do not understand, do not realize. They provide us with the opportunity to change our lives (all or certain areas of it that cause anxiety, discomfort) for the better. To do this, I propose the following scheme of actions:
Understand, realize that you are angry. Personally, my own body helps me with this. When I get angry, my teeth clench or my left hand involuntarily curls into a fist. Pay attention to what happens to your body at the moment when you feel that something is happening that is not something that you are uncomfortable with.
Give the anger a place, acknowledge it. Mentally determine where anger is concentrated in your body, put your hand on this place and say: “ I see you and I feel, I give you space, I recognize everything that is happening to me now».
As you understand, anger does not have to be shown in actions, it is enough to see and recognize it. Well, if you have this emotion on a regular basis and is uncontrollable, I recommend contacting a specialist who knows how to work with systemic symptoms. And remember - anger is not bad if used properly. It can go for good, not against you.
Good luck in your endeavors!
Anger towards another person and its causes. The article will discuss this negative phenomenon, recommendations will be given on how to eliminate the voiced life situation.
The content of the article:
Anger and hatred towards people is a problem that even a balanced and sane person is not immune from. Emotions often get out of control when someone from the environment begins to deliberately or accidentally provoke a conflict with their model of behavior. You should understand for yourself why such a phenomenon occurs and how to deal with its negative consequences.
The mechanism of development of anger at a person
To clarify the situation, which brings mental discomfort, it is necessary to deal with the pattern of the appearance of anger at people.
Experts on this issue are unanimous in their conclusions and characterize the mechanism of the problem as follows:
- Factor provocateur. There is no smoke without fire, so negative emotions towards another person do not grow like mushrooms after rain. Many things can give fertile ground for misunderstanding, because all people are individual and they are annoyed by completely different situations.
- The unwillingness of one of the parties to resolve the conflict. Both are always to blame for a quarrel, but when resolving a problem, someone can simply ignore a brewing misunderstanding. This is done from different motives, because it all depends on the reasons for triggering the mechanism of anger at a person.
- Turning a Misunderstanding into a Problem. Some subjects are really capable of making an elephant out of a fly with rather modest prerequisites for the brewing of a conflict. If the cause of the problem voiced is quite serious, then in the future there may be a serious brawl between people.
- Termination of relationship with the abuser. This is usually done defiantly, but options for secret enmity are not excluded. Anger at a person must find its logical ending, because it is simply impossible to keep negative emotions in oneself for a long time.
Important! With a voiced problem, the main thing is to remain calm so that emotions do not get out of control. Each self-sufficient person must clearly understand the essence of what is happening, so as not to do stupid things in the future.
Causes of anger towards a person
We cannot be liked by literally everyone, but there are individuals who are able to unbalance anyone. There are many prerequisites for the appearance of anger towards other people, but the main reasons for the formation of such a negative phenomenon should be highlighted:
- Refusal of a request. In some life situations a person needs moral, physical or material support. At the same time, one has to turn to a close environment, which can unpleasantly surprise with its response to a call for help. As a result, anger at such a refusal begins to arise, which sometimes turns into hatred and anger.
- Gossip and slander. Few of us will be pleased by the fact that they discuss us behind our backs with a rather negative assessment. personal qualities. This is especially painful when it comes to close slanderers. It is very difficult to ignore what is happening, so anger towards the offender arises.
- Renunciation of a promise. Ignoring a request from someone is painful in itself, but it is even more unpleasant to hear “no” after a previously announced contract. A person who does not keep his word can cause outright indignation and anger on the part of the injured party.
- ignore. Sometimes it is better to engage in a verbal battle than to experience outright neglect from another person. Such a response can cause embitterment even in the most balanced person.
- Non-repayment of debt. There is a rather wise saying that friends are friends, and tobacco is apart. Anger towards another person may arise for a voiced reason, because quite often a trusting relationship ends due to a refusal to return borrowed funds.
- . If it concerns two close people, then anger towards another person can arise even for an insignificant reason. Life sometimes complicates relationships so much that it causes an avalanche of negative emotions in relation to a partner.
- Hormonal imbalance. Anecdotes that colorfully describe the behavior of a woman with menopause are not at all devoid of common sense. In some cases, changes in the functioning of the body can provoke unconscious bouts of anger towards other people.
- Betrayal. In this case we are talking about both physical treason and treachery in morally. Anger towards another person in this case arises for a completely understandable reason, which can lead to a complete break in relations.
- Deviant behavior of the offender. Few people like the fact that someone is trying to harm him physically or mentally. It can consist both in insulting expressions and in beatings. Anger at the offender at the same time arises immediately and then develops into real anger.
Varieties of manifestation of anger towards another person
Even negative emotions have their subspecies, because human nature is diverse in the manifestation of their feelings. Psychologists recommend considering the following options for the manifestation of anger towards a person:
- Silent hate. People can smile sweetly at each other, but in their hearts they are ready to destroy the offender in all unimaginable ways. To some extent, this is reminiscent of elementary hypocrisy, in which visually everything looks great, but in fact the conflict is simply hidden.
- Anger is a game. For some people, the negative emotions that feed them are important. In the complete absence of prerequisites for a negative attitude towards another person, they themselves will come up with a reason for its occurrence. Such persons need a quarrel like air, because the quarrelsome character makes itself felt in such subjects.
- . In this case, it is worth noting the paradoxical ability of some people to behave according to the principle of Eeyore, who saw only the bad in everything that happened. These subjects are initially not ready to accept the position of another person, which subsequently leads to anger towards all of humanity.
- Anger-despair. In some cases, such a manifestation of emotions is demonstrative. We do not always truthfully show our feelings, which we actually experience. Such provocations are done in order to attract the attention of a person dear to us.
- Anger-competition. With the voiced wording, the movie “Death Becomes Her” is recalled, where Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn brilliantly described this phenomenon. In the competition for a man, the ladies went so far that this became the reason for the fantastic development of a love triangle.
Golden rules for dealing with anger towards a person
You can live with the voiced problem, but over time it can destroy the life of any subject. Very often we cannot answer the question of how to get rid of anger at a person. In this case, specialists who know how to heal spiritual wounds come to the rescue with their advice.
Suppression of anger towards loved ones
The closest environment can sometimes lead anyone to negative emotions in a matter of seconds. At the same time, it is very important to follow the recommendations of psychologists on how to overcome anger at a loved one:
- Autotraining. With this method, the setting for positive emotions is triggered, which usually has a good result. It is necessary to mentally say goodbye to your anger, which brings only harm to a person. We must learn to forgive loved ones, because we are often unconditionally accepted with all the weaknesses that we have.
- . The hackneyed phrase “a talk” is not always a reason only for a smile. It is necessary to be able to communicate with relatives and loved ones so that in the future there will not be a feeling of anger towards them. It is better to lay out everything that is sore once in a confidential conversation than to correct the mistakes made for a long time.
- Pause in a relationship. To avoid a final break in relations, you can try this method of conflict resolution. At the same time, it is necessary to completely calm down and, on a sober head, understand the reasons for the anger that has arisen towards a loved one. It is unrealistic to do this on emotions, because during the period of boiling violent passions people often cannot come to a mutual agreement.
- confrontation method. In some cases, this tool is simply not enough. Sometimes you need to decisively deliver an ultimatum so that relationships with a loved one do not come to a standstill. Active actions in this direction will help get rid of anger towards an object that is dear.
- Help of a psychotherapist. It is definitely easier for a specialist to deal with the problem that has arisen than for the victim himself. Anger towards close people is a very dangerous emotion, because in the heat of the moment you can lose love and trust. native person. Therefore, the help of a competent healer human souls in some cases it won't hurt.
Getting rid of anger towards colleagues and acquaintances
Reading time: 2 min
Anger refers to a strong, destructive emotion that is thought to be caused by a severe upset or pain. Anger is a normal human reaction that can range from mild annoyance to outright rage. This emotion destroys a person from the inside. This feeling is the result of expressing any dissatisfaction: one's expectations, desires or actions. The main problem lies in the fact that dissatisfaction tends to accumulate. And when dissatisfaction reaches large volumes, they turn into and break out with destructive force.
Anger is considered a negative function, but it also has a protective function. Anger is cheerfulness with a negative sign, since it is one of the few feelings that takes energy from the air and creates goals. All people experience anger, but sometimes they prefer not to notice it, suppressing it, and then relationships with loved ones turn into insipid ones, since it is difficult to show positive emotions due to hidden anger.
Anger causes
The cause can be various diseases. Chronic anger has been linked to high blood pressure, skin conditions, headaches, and digestive problems. However, this emotion is associated with some personal problems: crimes, physical or emotional attacks, expression.
Many things are done out of anger, which people later regret later. One of the reasons people suppress anger is the fear of rejection. If a person is angry, then the likelihood increases that he will be rejected by those people at whom the emotion is directed. And this rejection very often for a person is stronger than any other fear.
hidden anger
How to let go of anger? First of all, it is necessary to normalize the hormonal background. Hormones play important role in the life of any person, and especially women. Violation of the level of hormones in the female body leads to a bad mood, the manifestation of dissatisfaction, weakness, weight gain, fatigue and, ultimately, the manifestation of anger.
Celebrated and external signs due to hormonal imbalance in women. This is dullness, brittle hair; dryness and peeling of the skin, brittle nails, menstrual irregularities, disruption of the gastrointestinal tract, and memory loss. A woman in such a period is marked by irritability and depression.
If you have noticed all of the above signs in yourself, then in order to let go of anger, you should normalize the hormonal background. Disturbances in the level of hormones are determined after certain tests. If necessary, the endocrinologist prescribes drugs that normalize the hormonal background of a woman. This process is accelerated by the following actions: proper nutrition, adherence to the daily routine, being in the fresh air, mandatory physical activity, exclusion of bad habits. Be sure to include seafood, fruits (persimmons, bananas), garlic, eggplant, spinach in your diet. Eat a sufficient amount of animal protein, do not forget about oil (olive, linseed, sesame).
To produce serotonin, you need to eat cheese, dark chocolate, beans, eggs, lentils, tomatoes. Make it a rule that raw vegetables and fruits should always be in your diet. Good rest is required at night, and a moderate amount of rest is needed during the day. exercise stress(yoga, running, swimming, fitness, dancing). Cut down on coffee and avoid alcohol altogether. Choose with a therapist the multivitamins and trace elements necessary for you.
Constant anger and irritation is removed by listening to meditations. According to adherents, regular classes balance the psyche, relieve tension, aggression and bouts of anger. If irritation does not occur due to a disease, then it is possible to cope with this condition by avoiding contact with an irritating object, as well as eliminating irritants. An integrated approach will certainly help to control the emotionality of a woman.
How to get rid of anger
Stop lashing out at your loved ones. This is difficult to learn, but every time you are overcome by bouts of anger, imagine the state that comes after - annoyance and shame for offending relatives unreasonably. Tell the people around you what you don't like about them and what exactly is annoying. At the same time, it is important to speak not in a demonstrative form, but in a soft one.
After analyzing the situations that annoy you, take all possible measures to eliminate these problems. Learn to relax. Meditative techniques will strengthen health, balance a shaky psyche, a person will become resistant to stress. If your condition is provoked by work colleagues, then run after work to fitness, to the gym and release evil there, get rid of negative emotions. Yoga removes very well accumulated aggressiveness during the day, training patience, lowering anxiety and calming.
How to control anger? At the first manifestations, try to breathe deeply, thereby calming yourself, talk to yourself and stop all evil thoughts. At the same time, breathe slowly, deeply, repeating the words “calm down”, “relax”, “everything will be fine” several times. Be sure to talk to other people who will support you. Look at everything that happens from the other side, be in the role of the person with whom you are angry.
Treat everything with humor, making fun of yourself. Learn to listen. Learning to listen will improve communication as well as build trust that will help you deal with hostile emotions and thoughts. Always express your thoughts in a constructive, calm manner. Most importantly, remember that we are neither good nor bad, we are with our own strengths and weaknesses. Accept yourself for who you are, it is impossible to please everyone. And although it is better for health to let out anger than to keep it inside, it is also necessary to be able to do this. Frequent outbursts of rage will only destroy and spoil relationships with other people.
Attacks of anger and anger harm the cardiovascular system, create stressful situation exacerbate the problem. To prevent this from happening, express yourself through perseverance and perseverance, this The best way solve any problem.
How to get rid of anger? You can explicitly express it: beat dishes, tear paper, make trouble, fight. This behavior is sometimes not always appropriate, but effective. In some way you attack the aggressor.
There are other ways to get rid of anger. It's talking about her. By talking about it, you express it in such a way and do not suppress it. This way of expressing anger is referred to as constructive ways, since a person speaks about himself, about his needs, about his feelings, without attacking. Suffocating yourself or suppressing angry emotions as if nothing is happening is not recommended, because in this state anger will overwhelm you.
How to deal with anger? If you can’t control this feeling, and it interferes with your life, then you need to contact a psychologist who will develop methods and techniques to help deal with unbridled bouts of rage and anger.
There is a cure for anger, because there is always some need hiding behind this feeling. If you have this state, then immediately ask yourself the question: “what exactly do I want at this moment?”. If they are angry with you, ask the person “what exactly do you want when you are angry?”. Identification of needs against the background of anger immediately neutralizes the manifestation of this feeling.
Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"
Anger is an emotion that is currently controversial. Some people think it's good to be angry, while others think it's bad. However, we encounter such an emotion almost daily, using it to build boundaries and relationships with others.
What is anger?
Anger is the emotion with which we show our disagreement with what is happening, with what does not correspond to our plans, hopes or expectations. This internal protest, if approached correctly, can be useful for us, as it gives us the opportunity to actively influence the situation. Although it is generally accepted that anger and anger are a pathological reaction of the body. This is not entirely correct, since it all depends on the provoking factor that contributed to this condition.
Is it good to be angry?
Feeling angry in moderation is normal. Thus, a person tries to protect himself from any irritants. If you constantly suppress this emotion in yourself, it will not go anywhere and will also provoke actions, but in such a situation they can be destructive both for us and for the people around us. Therefore, it is so important to be able to interact with anger, to realize and accept such a state.
But in the event that this emotion is constantly present in a person’s life, such a phenomenon can no longer be called normal. There is an opinion that excessive anger in people contributes to the accumulation of negativity and can even provoke the development of certain diseases, both psychological and physiological. So, such negative emotions lead to a rapid heartbeat, increased pressure, a feeling of spasms in the gastrointestinal tract, which is accompanied by the release of bile and of hydrochloric acid. Therefore, irritable people are often diagnosed with gastritis and stomach ulcers. In addition, anger and hatred interfere with adaptation among people. Since a person is excessively quick-tempered, creates conflicts out of the blue, many people do not like this and make them avoid communication.
In order to learn how to control this emotion, it is necessary to understand why such a state arises.
Why are we angry?
The reasons for this are varied and depend on the individual. The main provoking factors that contribute to the emergence of anger are:
Anything can act as a trigger. Very often, women experience such an emotion during the period of bearing a child. Extra pounds, a changed figure, toxicosis, sleep problems, anxiety about the upcoming birth, fear of change make you angry.
Often even the smallest troubles can provoke a feeling of anger. Sometimes, at the same time, a person loses the ability to curb his emotions, cannot cope with himself, in which case even a psychotherapist's consultation may be necessary, especially if such attacks affect relationships with loved ones or even end in bodily harm to anyone.
How to deal with anger?
If the feeling of anger is so strong that it becomes impossible to control it, it is necessary to analyze the situation and, first of all, try to understand what exactly causes such negative emotions, because they are not born in an instant, but are a direct response to people's behavior or situation. We build certain expectations about certain events and are in anticipation of what we should experience. And when our hopes are disappointed, it makes us frustrated and disappointed. Faced with our own dissatisfaction, we begin to feel a sense of anger.
This is such an emotion that can turn into open aggression and undermine our mental state with subsequent adverse consequences, including for those around us. To prevent this from happening, you must adhere to some rules:
- learn to recognize and acknowledge your emotions, do not hide them inside yourself;
- understand that it is impossible to completely eradicate anger, it is a normal reaction to various stimuli, and its presence in our lives is natural;
- realize your true needs - this is the key to well-being and harmony, as a result, this feeling will become an assistant, and will not annoy.
Anger is a guide that indicates the presence of an internal conflict, factors that do not satisfy us, and also pushes us to choose other options for the development of events.
There are several effective methods which will help you cope with yourself in various situations.
Unleash your emotions
It’s not worth the feeling inside, we don’t forbid ourselves to rejoice and laugh. Take out your emotions on the pillow, hit it until you feel relieved. You can splash words of anger on paper by writing an angry letter, putting all the hatred into each line. After that, the letter must be burned.
There are other options that will help release negative emotions: find a deserted place or lock yourself in a car and scream until the feeling of anger passes.
Anger dosing method
So that excessive irritability does not harm personal relationships or work, does not spoil relationships with people, you can try to dose anger by expressing part of it right at the scene, and dropping part in one of the following ways:
- sports;
- dancing;
- cleaning the house;
- long walks in the fresh air;
- drawing, embroidery, knitting, etc.
These methods will help transform negative emotions into something useful and not ruin relationships with others.
The Milton Erickson Method
There is another interesting way to get rid of anger, the authorship of which belongs to a psychotherapist. A kind of “punishment” will help to force the subconscious mind to give up anger, for example, in the form of squats or jumps 30-50 times at the first manifestations of anger. The result will not keep you waiting, it is important that the punishment is an occupation that a person cannot stand.
Step-by-step technique for taming emotions
Some people are helped by a special step-by-step technique. First of all, you need to force the will to order yourself to stop. You need to understand that emotions do not solve the problem, but only further complicate the situation. With effort, you need to switch to something good, even if it is not easy. In the future, this will become a habit and will help to calm down.
Expectant tactics and substitution technique
If you feel that you are starting to get angry, try to make the whole situation look funny, draw funny moments in your imagination and wait a bit. After a while, negative emotions will subside, and the situation will not seem so critical.
Buddha Smile Exercise
This method will allow you to regain peace of mind. Try to throw all thoughts out of your head, relax your facial muscles and imagine that they are filled with heaviness and warmth, and your lips move apart and form a slight smile. At the same time, try not to make muscle efforts. After a while, you will feel that a barely noticeable smile has appeared on your lips, and the body begins to fill with a feeling of joy and peace. You need to perform this exercise daily until this condition becomes the norm for you.
to myself?
If the cause of negative emotions is dissatisfaction with one's own appearance, then you need to work on yourself, try to change something, but at the same time do not forget that inner work comes first. And this means that you need to learn to accept yourself and understand that each of us is individual, and self-confidence adds attractiveness in the eyes of others.
This also applies to pregnant women who experience this feeling during this period? The expectant mother needs to come to terms with her situation, to understand that it is natural and beautiful. Of course, changes in the hormonal background often cause emotional breakdowns. To avoid them, you need to rest a lot, do what brings pleasure and improves mood, do not give up full life Because pregnancy is not a pathology.
Envy, resentment and anger
Often a person begins to get angry, experiencing envy of others. You shouldn't compare yourself to others. What we have achieved in life is our merit. Instead of suffering about the fact that someone has achieved more than us, it is better to do self-development.
It is much more difficult to get rid of anger, which is accompanied by a sense of resentment, that is, the feeling that everyone owes us something. It is important to learn to understand that each of us has the right to do exactly as he wants.
Visit doctor
It happens that a person is not able to overcome anger on his own. What to do in this case? You need to seek help from a specialist. Do not be ashamed of your emotions. This is not a sign of ill health, just life circumstances provoke us to such manifestations. Share your thoughts with your doctor about what is bothering you. You may have to undergo treatment with harmless drugs that stabilize your emotional state.
Feeling angry is often harmful. But this does not mean that in all situations we should be complaisant and sweet. In some cases, a healthy feeling of anger will only benefit, it is important to observe the measure and take into account the circumstances.