When you are afraid of losing someone. The line between ordinary fear and phobia
The fear of losing dear people may appear from scratch, or may be the result of some actions. If you want to understand how not to be afraid of losing a loved one, first find the source of this fear and block it, then your worries will evaporate, allowing you to enjoy relationships without looking back.
Worry Habit
Anxiety is a character trait that is inherent in some women. They find cause for concern in literally anything. In this case, one must learn to distinguish objectively arising problems from one's own conjectures. When a mother is worried that her daughter does not come to spend the night for the first time, it is not at all necessary that something terrible has happened to her. But the mother has already fantasized terrible pictures. The same may be true in your case.
Your loved one did not pick up the phone when you called, he was late for a few minutes more than usual from work, he did not say the words that you expected. And you are already excited, do not find a place for yourself from what could happen. Try to weed out such thoughts from those that really make sense. Find yourself an activity that you will immediately switch to as soon as negative thoughts begin to swirl in your head. For example, keep a volume of poetry, needlework, or your favorite game close at hand. Of course, this is only worth doing if you know for yourself that the whole point is precisely in suspiciousness.
Self confidence
Doubts about whether your husband still loves you arise from self-doubt. You don't believe that a guy can love a girl like you. Next, list many of your negative traits. Stop. You need to look at yourself through the eyes of another person, and then love yourself, as own daughter.Pamper yourself more often, put your mind and body in order. This will get rid of the habit of worrying over trifles. Well, a man will never leave a woman who is self-confident, constantly works on her character, takes care of herself and, at the same time, loves herself with the same strength with which he loves her.
Incomprehensible fears
The opinion is deeply rooted in people that there is no good without evil, just as there is no happiness without grief. That is why they do not allow themselves sometimes to enjoy the moment. It looks like it was stolen from someone. It is no coincidence that the fear of loss arises against the background of well-being. Trying to establish a balance between good and bad, the subconscious and throws up this causeless anxiety.
Also, groundless anxiety can be due to a completely normal change in your relationship. If a year ago you were at the peak of falling in love, today the euphoria has come to naught, but this is absolutely natural. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It's just that now you have to adapt to new conditions, which is why the fear of the unknown appears, because you have not been in such a situation yet. If you understand that among the named reasons is yours, relax and enjoy what you have without looking back.
In the life of almost any woman, there are moments when she is afraid of losing a loved one. For some, these are fleeting moments, because any person has a fear of losing what is dear to him, what he loves, for some it becomes an obsessive thought that interferes with living and perceiving correctly the world and the actions of people, including their own, and generally adequately assess the situation. But the paradox is that the more you are afraid, the more likely you will be to really lose what is so dear to you. The only way change the situation, stop being afraid. This does not mean that you will stop loving, you will just be confident in yourself and your loved one, because when you are confident, you are not afraid. How to stop being afraid of losing a loved one?
Most often, insecurity arises from low self-esteem. Next, I will give some tips on how to increase it.
First, always try to learn something new, something to learn. You can start learning Japanese, you can learn to roller skate or learn the secrets of culinary arts, but you need to do this not for someone else, but for yourself. The person who lives interesting life, interesting to others.
Love yourself. Go in for sports, sign up for a pool, go for walks so that your body is in good shape. And it does not matter whether you are a slender blonde or a plump brunette, everyone can find an acceptable option for an active lifestyle. You can change your hair, update your wardrobe, get a manicure. Please yourself and others will like you too.
Notice all the good things that happen to you. You can even start keeping a diary of good events. Do not criticize yourself too often, we all make mistakes, the main thing is to draw the right conclusions from them. Do not feel sorry for yourself, do not consider yourself weak, then you will not cause feelings of pity in those around you. You should be respected, not pitied.
Tune in to the positive. Life is beautiful and amazing, it is full of surprises. Think of good things that can happen to you and your thoughts will work and guide your life in a good way.
You don't have to compare yourself to anyone. Each person is individual and the other may have flaws that you are not aware of. You can only compare yourself with yourself, what you were and what you have become. If you don't like this comparison, then you need to change something.
You can get a dog or a cat. They will love you any, despite the shortcomings. And when someone loves you just for what you are, it's easier to be sure of the love of others.
Do not be afraid of difficulties. By overcoming them, we overcome ourselves. And thus we increase our self-esteem. Every task you take on, complete it. And if you have already decided to do something, do not put it off indefinitely.
If you think in advance what to do if, nevertheless, your loved one leaves you, you will no longer be afraid of this, as you will see that life does not end there.
But for this you need to have your own life, your own interests and hobbies. Just because you love each other doesn't mean you have to be together twenty-four hours a day. Allow yourself to go to a cafe with friends for a cup of coffee, without your boyfriend, give yourself a little freedom.
They say that you don’t have to keep your loved one on a short leash if you don’t want to lose him, because if he wants to, he will leave anyway. At the same time, they forget to clarify that with this leash you tie yourself to it, and the shorter the leash, the more difficult it will be for you if the relationship does not work out.
Even in moments of happiness and sincere love, some guys begin to doubt the purity of the feelings of their girlfriend and begin to be afraid of losing her. And sooner or later it begins to take on an extremely depressing appearance, which has a strong effect on moral calmness and the physical ability to make love.
It is difficult to think about something positive and good when every day you are haunted by thoughts that tomorrow the girl may go to another, and you will be left completely alone. This provokes illogical, and sometimes completely thoughtless actions, jealousy and threats of violence, in extreme cases.
Naturally, no sane girl will want to endure such behavior from her boyfriend and may really begin to doubt the expediency of a relationship with such an insecure man. This will provoke a new wave of doubts and worries, and everything will again take on a deplorable character. To avoid this scenario, there are a few tips to keep in mind.
Why relationships deteriorate
It's hard to believe, but almost every relationship eventually begins to crack at the seams, deteriorate and become a little more boring than they were at the time of meeting and becoming. But the brightness and novelty do not pass without a trace. In their place comes understanding, trust and love. And that's completely normal.
But many guys who are used to seeing, not feeling, are starting to sound the alarm due to the fact that the girl is no longer so willing to go for a walk at night looking, she is not so diverse in bed, and in general she began to discuss with you to a greater extent their problems rather than the admiration of a relationship with you. In other words, men begin to worry about the fact that they no longer see the fire in their girlfriends, and they do not want to accept the fact that the fire from the eyes goes into the warmth of the heart.
In this case, you only need to analyze the situation and honestly answer a simple question: “Does the girl see her future with you?” If the answer is “Yes”, then you should not worry and sound the alarm where it does not exist. If the answer is “No”, then you need to move on to active actions.
What to do in order not to lose a girl
As a rule, in a relationship, girls pursue fairly simple and understandable goals: whether it is a future family, recreation with entertainment, spiritual understanding or material support with gifts. And it is safe to say that one of this goal will always be much more important than all the others. And, therefore, you need to understand: “What does a girl want from a relationship with you?”
If you clearly understand that you are satisfied most her requests and desires, then she can leave you only in extreme cases: treason, betrayal, physical impact or plain stupidity.
If you are having trouble making your girlfriend's demands come true. So you need to either work on it, or find a girl who suits you better. Since sooner or later such a girl will still choose another man for herself.
It is important to know and remember:
Men relate to the manifestation of love quite simply - I love, I give flowers, I do something nice. Those. desire, turning into a result. Women, on the other hand, value not the result, but the process itself. This means that small gifts every day will be more effective than a large gift once a year. The same is true with the manifestation of feelings, emotions and sexuality. Women need it always, albeit in a small portion. Feel free to use it!
Fighting insecurity
Uncertainty most often arises from the fear that you may end up in a worse situation than you currently have. But the more indecisive you act, the worse your situation with the girl becomes. Since only the man who thinks that this is the only girl who agreed to be with him is afraid to lose. Those who are confident know that if not one, then another, and women see this and hold on! Which means you need:
Money and perspective. When choosing between considerate and rich, most girls will choose the rich, as there will be fewer financial problems with him and more opportunities to prove herself a real woman. So, you need to take some time to work on your financial situation and prospects. Women don't leave successful men!
Physical health. To be self-confident, you must be satisfied with your appearance. For men, this most often lies in physical health and the amount of excess folds on the abdomen. Fortunately, there are now places where this can be solved quickly enough.
Impudence. A man should be a little arrogant so that a woman sees in him not just consumers, but also a real conqueror. Therefore, you need to learn to put your interests a little higher than the interests of your girlfriend. And the main thing is to skillfully show it to her, so that she knows that everything will be, but your problems are solved in the first place.
What do we end up with
The fear of losing a girl is largely due to the insecurity of a man and a lack of understanding of the goals pursued by a girl. If you can take care of yourself and understand the desires of the girl, then all fears will pass, and you will become a real ideal for your chosen one.
The fear of losing a loved one is one of the most common phobias. Sooner or later, you have to deal with loss, whether it be separation or even the death of a person. The latter can be called the most painful experience. It takes a lot of time to get back to normal. Other close people motivate you to live on. But as a result of psychological trauma, a person may experience a panic fear of losing them too. Sometimes it grows to a mental disorder - neurosis or phobia. This kind of obsession makes life hellish. A feature of this phobia is that its owner does not come into contact with the object that causes fear: it is abstract, you cannot run away from it.
The line between ordinary fear and phobia
People often confuse a simple fear and a phobia, but these are incomplete synonyms. These concepts differ in the cause of occurrence. Fear is a natural response to real danger. It is laid down by nature for self-preservation. A phobia is an obsession that has settled in the subconscious of a person. He is aware that he is experiencing fear for no rational reason, but is not able to control the situation and cope with it on his own. That is, a phobia is a pathological fear imposed on oneself (or by someone), for which there is no logical explanation. The individual reacts inadequately to the situation, reaching the strongest panic attacks.
This kind of picture is very common these days. People can be afraid of anything, even good news (eupophobia), poetry (metrophobia), cheese (turophobia), or harmless flowers (anthophobia). Fortunately, phobias are treatable.
What is the phobia of losing a loved one called?
To answer what the fear of losing loved ones is called, you need to understand what exactly is considered a loss: an ordinary separation or death? In the first case, we are talking about one of the types of social phobia - In the second - about thanatophobia, from the Greek "thanatos" - "death", as the god of sleep was called. Throughout the history of mankind, the natural fear of death (of one's own and loved ones) has been inherent in people. After all, no one knows what exactly you have to face on the other side.
Such fear can appear at any moment: life is unpredictable, and loved ones are dear to everyone. A child is afraid of losing his parents, an adult - a child or another loved one. But if fear turns into obsession, this leads to a real mental disorder and prevents both the owner of the phobia and his relatives from living in peace. Fear of loss can deprive an individual of sleep or even lead to suicide. Sometimes it is so irrational that it occurs even in the presence of people whom a person is afraid of losing. In such cases, only a specialist can help, for example, a psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin.
Symptoms of fear of loss
The fear of losing a loved one is classified as a mental disorder such as a phobia if the following symptoms appear:
- intrusive bad thoughts about how scary it is to be alone after the end of a relationship, and what people will think;
- a strong fear that a loved one is in danger, when there are no obvious reasons for this and in fact nothing threatens him;
- increased heart rate;
- increase / decrease in pressure;
- shiver;
- the occurrence of shortness of breath;
- asthenia;
- sweating of the palms;
- chest pain;
- nervousness, aggression;
- headache;
- loss of consciousness at the thought that the person will leave;
- fixation on experiences;
- ignoring the facts and rational arguments of the groundlessness of this fear;
- presenting horrifying images for nothing or under the influence of bad news;
- excessive anxiety about loved ones, too frequent calls to find out if everything is fine with them;
- tantrums and nervous breakdowns even about parting for a short time.
Most often, depression manifests itself in people aged 30-50 years.
Reasons for the fear of losing a person
To get rid of a phobia, you should identify its sources, and not work on eliminating the symptoms. Fear seems unreasonable, but does not appear just like that.
Causes of thanatophobia:
childhood trauma
Many phobias and others mental disorders originate from childhood. The fear of losing a loved one can arise if the mother leaves the baby alone for a long time. He has a special connection with his mother, and when she is not around, the baby begins to worry. He feels insecure. If this becomes a trend, the child develops a negative reaction in the form of tantrums to parting with the closest person, and a phobia can form on this basis.
Among other causes of childhood traumas leading to thanatophobia, the divorce of parents, the death of one of the relatives, and the absence of a father are distinguished. Some children like to scare their younger siblings by saying that some monster might come and take the baby away from their mother. The child believes and begins to get nervous, throw tantrums. Things can get to the strong especially during a long separation from the mother.
Watching loved ones suffer after loss
Children see the reaction of an older brother or sister who was abandoned by a partner. They openly show sadness and aggression, and the baby remembers and copies this behavior. Subsequently, he may begin to fear love contacts: for him, they are associated with disappointment and pain. And if he himself survives such an experience, he will be even more sure that the fear is not far-fetched. The same thing happens when a child sees how painfully parents are going through a divorce.
Loss of a loved one
Many have experienced the death of a loved one. This can happen as early as childhood. The child begins to realize that his loved ones are short-lived, and is horrified at the thought of it. He begins to fear a repetition of such grief, which always comes unexpectedly and completely unsettles a person. It is hard to realize that there will no longer be an opportunity to see a loved one and talk to him. After such a shake-up, the individual becomes more sensitive and susceptible to thanatophobia, he begins to see danger everywhere for himself and his loved ones. And even the death of a stranger, which he had to witness, can influence in this way.
External influence
The media is much more likely to report not about pleasant, but about tragic cases. This negatively affects even not the most impressionable people and programs them to experience fear for themselves and loved ones, which can take over the mind to such an extent that a person follows every step of loved ones, trying to protect them from danger. Often, this behavior can push you away and lead to a breakup.
Distrust and distrust
Sensitive and suspicious people tend to fixate on the negative. Any action or event, in their opinion, should lead to bad consequences. Such people often feel distrust of their partner and that he will deceive them and leave.
Lack of self-esteem
Some people feel they are not good enough for their partner, so they may leave. They feel that they are being deceived by talking about love, because they do not love themselves. Low self-esteem leads to obsessive thoughts and unreasonable jealousy, which negatively affects relationships. Such people require constant attention, they try to manipulate a partner, arouse a feeling of pity in him, control his every step, and no one likes this.
Obsession with a partner
Some people give themselves completely to relationships, dissolve in them and think only of their partner. It becomes their whole world. All their desires and goals come down to satisfying the needs of the object of their love. At the same time, they do not notice anything else, even themselves. If the partner suddenly disappears, there will be nothing left. Because of such an abnormal dependence, an unbearable fear of losing a loved one appears. Just thinking about it can make you hysterical.
In order not to become a victim of your attachment, you should learn to perceive yourself as a separate and whole person, engage in self-development and provide personal space for both yourself and your partner.
postpartum depression
Many new mothers are terribly afraid of harming their child and even experience the fear of his death. This is the result of postpartum depression, which occurs due to hormonal changes in the body. There is complete confusion in their head and terrible pictures are drawn. Some even need urgent medical attention.
To overcome such a state, you do not need to be shy about telling your loved ones or a psychologist about it. Otherwise, it may negatively affect the child, because he feels the mood of his mother.
Consequences of thanatophobia
As a result of an obsessive fear of losing loved ones, a person develops insomnia or has nightmares too often, after which he wakes up in a cold sweat. If the situation worsens, he will periodically experience nervous breakdowns, which can lead to such a disease as mental neurosis. Lack of appetite and weight loss are also observed.
A person with such a phobia may experience hallucinations that he has harmed a loved one. He lives in constant fear of doing something bad in anger and tries to isolate himself from people. Such inadequate behavior is reflected in the relatives of the person. They begin to fear for his mental state. As a result, this situation prevents everyone from living a full life.
How to get rid of the fear of loss yourself?
If a person himself notices something strange in his behavior, and the fear is still at the initial level, then you can try to help yourself on your own, without involving specialists. There are several ways that help reduce or completely eliminate the fear of losing loved ones:
- Be honest and open about your problem with loved ones. Talk to them as often as possible to calm down. Together with them it will be easier to cope with your phobia.
- Think about the value of the words and deeds of those around you. If they do something nice, you should notice it and thank them for it, then there will be more good moments and positive emotions in life.
- Try to help people and be kinder to them, even to strangers.
- Learn to live no matter what. The fact that we are all short-lived is very hard to accept. But this cannot be avoided, so do not get so hung up. You need to be ready for anything and fixate on the good moments so as not to overshadow them with bad thoughts.
- Learn to be more calm about death, accept this fact. Who says it's necessarily bad? Perhaps there we will all meet with our loved ones and new life. It is no coincidence that such a representation is found in many religions of the world.
- Use breathing techniques to overcome fear: inhale deeply, hold your breath for 4 seconds, exhale for 3 seconds. Do no more than 7 repetitions.
- Tune in to the positive through self-hypnosis. When panic approaches, you need to convince yourself that nothing terrible will happen and cannot happen. You can remember something good or read a book / watch a movie with a light plot and a good ending to distract and calm down. It is better not to watch the news, as they most often cover negative events.
- Drink soothing herbal teas before bed.
- Arrange for yourself at home aromatherapy sessions with essential oils of lavender, lemon balm, chamomile and others. In this case, you need to relax, close your eyes and listen to calm, smooth music.
- Load yourself with work and do not waste time on unnecessary thoughts that give rise to phobias.
- Think about the present, live here and now, and not be attached to the sad past and not look cautiously into the unknown future. The past cannot be changed, and the future cannot be predicted.
- Try to understand that such an obsessive fear only harms relationships with those who are afraid to lose.
Help from a specialist: from the fear of losing a loved one to love without fear
If fear becomes permanent and prevents you from living a normal life, you should think about going to a specialist. Different specialists are involved in the treatment of thanatophobia, depending on the situation and the degree of the disorder:
- The psychologist identifies the symptoms, causes of the phobia, the stage of its development. To do this, already at the first session, the specialist asks the client a variety of questions about his fear. Thus, a person sees his phobia from the outside. After that, the client is asked to describe their feelings that arise when fear appears. Then the psychologist immerses him in this state, asking him to close his eyes and imagine a frightening picture, and then offers to change it to a pleasant one. The purpose of such exposure therapy is to learn to overcome your fears and switch to something good when the phobia is activated. The number of such sessions varies from 5 to 10.
- The therapist also makes every effort to identify as deeply as possible the cause of the fear and help the client transform it. It helps to overcome a phobia, for example, existential psychotherapy. A person must realize why he lives, what his values are and how to live in accordance with them.
- The psychiatrist prescribes sedatives, tranquilizers and antidepressants. Psychotherapists also use this method of treatment in certain cases.
- Sometimes people seek help from a hypnologist who helps to eliminate the root of the problem, as irrational fears appear on an unconscious level.
It is better to contact multidisciplinary specialists who will reveal the full picture of the disorder and help in various ways. For example, such specialists include hypnologist Nikita Valeryevich Baturin.
Anyone can experience the fear of losing a loved one. There are a variety of reasons for this - from observing other people's suffering to experiencing your own loss. The phobia usually begins in childhood, but it can also occur in adulthood influenced by any events or negative media news.
It is important to recognize the symptoms in time and identify the causes of fear. In the early stages, you can help yourself on your own, but it is better to trust experienced professionals.
In the life of almost any woman, there are moments when she is afraid of losing a loved one. For some, these are fleeting moments, because any person has a fear of losing what is dear to him, what he loves, for some it becomes an obsessive thought that interferes with living and correctly perceiving the world around us and people's actions, including their own, and generally adequately assess the situation. But the paradox is that the more you are afraid, the more likely you will be to really lose what is so dear to you. The only way to change the situation is to stop being afraid. This does not mean that you will stop loving, you will just be confident in yourself and your loved one, because when you are confident, you are not afraid. How to stop being afraid of losing a loved one?
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Most often, insecurity arises from low self-esteem. Next, I will give some tips on how to increase it.
First, always try to learn something new, something to learn. You can start learning Japanese, you can learn to roller skate or master the secrets of culinary art, but you need to do this not for someone else, but for yourself. A person who lives an interesting life is interesting to others.
Love yourself. Go in for sports, sign up for a pool, go for walks so that your body is in good shape. And it does not matter whether you are a slender blonde or a plump brunette, everyone can find an acceptable option for an active lifestyle. You can change your hair, update your wardrobe, get a manicure. Please yourself and others will like you too.
Notice all the good things that happen to you. You can even start keeping a diary of good events. Do not criticize yourself too often, we all make mistakes, the main thing is to draw the right conclusions from them. Do not feel sorry for yourself, do not consider yourself weak, then you will not cause feelings of pity in those around you. You should be respected, not pitied.
Tune in to the positive. Life is beautiful and amazing, it is full of surprises. Think of good things that can happen to you and your thoughts will work and guide your life in a good way.
You don't have to compare yourself to anyone. Each person is individual and the other may have flaws that you are not aware of. You can only compare yourself with yourself, what you were and what you have become. If you don't like this comparison, then you need to change something.
You can get a dog or a cat. They will love you any, despite the shortcomings. And when someone loves you just for what you are, it's easier to be sure of the love of others.
Do not be afraid of difficulties. By overcoming them, we overcome ourselves. And thus we increase our self-esteem. Every task you take on, complete it. And if you have already decided to do something, do not put it off indefinitely.
If you think in advance what to do if, nevertheless, your loved one leaves you, you will no longer be afraid of this, as you will see that life does not end there.
But for this you need to have your own life, your own interests and hobbies. Just because you love each other doesn't mean you have to be together twenty-four hours a day. Allow yourself to go to a cafe with friends for a cup of coffee, without your boyfriend, give yourself a little freedom.
They say that you don’t have to keep your loved one on a short leash if you don’t want to lose him, because if he wants to, he will leave anyway. At the same time, they forget to clarify that with this leash you tie yourself to it, and the shorter the leash, the more difficult it will be for you if the relationship does not work out.
Remain, for him always a mystery, an unread book, and he will want to know you better. Surprise him, and he will not be bored with you. Be diverse, and he will be interested in you. The more complete and self-sufficient person you are, the more attractive you will be to others and to your loved one as well.
A person must first of all love himself. This does not mean that he must be selfish, but if you cannot love yourself, you will not be able to love someone else. Trust yourself, trust your loved one. After all, they are often afraid of what they do not trust. And what kind of love can there be if you doubt each other.
So what conclusions can be drawn?
How to stop being afraid of losing a loved one? Fear comes from distrust and insecurity. Distrust is only a matter of faith, if you don’t have it and you doubt your chosen one, then perhaps you don’t need this relationship. And with uncertainty it is necessary to fight, first of all, increasing your self-esteem. Believe in yourself, that you are unique, wonderful and you have something to love for. Love yourself, love yourself for who you are, with all the advantages and disadvantages, and others will love you. Do not bind yourself with fear, it can only destroy your relationship. Be a full-fledged person, self-confident and you will not be afraid of tomorrow, but will look to the future with confidence.