Selfish person. Selfishness - is it good or bad? Selfishness is good or bad
Let's try to understand the meaning of the term "self-love" and try to understand what it is. So, pride is a trait that is inherent in everyone, it differs only in degree, more or less, each has its own. Self-love allows you to determine the winning sides, the degree of development, sociability, the ability to self-criticism and the normal perception of criticism from the outside, identifying your personality. This feature of character makes it possible to set a high standard for ourselves, and achieve the desired with confidence, a sense of pride pushes us forward, allows us to draw conclusions from the criticism received, and improve our track record. This is a kind of ability to identify its significance in the chain - I and the world around.
Sick or wounded pride - what does it mean?
Everything should be in moderation, this also applies to pride. Its excess does not allow a person to adequately assess the forces and opportunities, to perceive appropriate criticism addressed to him. With wounded pride, refusals and the mildest attempts to point out mistakes will be taken with hostility, followed by a violent reaction and even aggression. According to practicing psychologists, heightened self-esteem is a consequence of an existing inferiority complex, an attempt to hide dissatisfaction with oneself behind an ideal mask, but is not a mental disorder.
Selfishness - is it good or bad?
Answering the question that followed, you need to clearly understand what measure of self-love we are talking about. If you mean adequate self-esteem, a sense of dignity, the ability to accept comments addressed to you, but at the same time not to offend yourself and achieve your goals, then of course it’s good. The sages said that great self-esteem is better than low self-esteem. But when it comes to self-love, which is visible to the naked eye, which interferes with existing in society, does not allow you to intelligently assess opportunities and strengths, if your interests prevail over the interests of others, personal significance above other people is not the best quality of character. Following sick pride, neurasthenia will come, because it will constantly seem to a person that he is underestimated, to console his narcissistic ego, to indulge in all serious things: alcoholism, gluttony, drug addiction and other antisocial actions.
How to get rid of self-love?
In cases of adequate self-love, do not get rid of it, it is more a reason for pride than a disadvantage. Self-love, within normal limits, will be an engine forward, to accomplishments and achievements, a desire for self-development, the ability to derive personal benefit from these mistakes and defeats. When it comes to a sick, wounded self-esteem, then, most likely, one cannot do without the help of a qualified psychologist and attending trainings. Because a narcissistic person will not take your word for it that they have self-esteem issues.
Appreciate yourself, believe in personal capabilities, and do not let yourself be offended.
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Self-love is an overestimation of one's strengths, combined with a zealous attitude towards one's own personality and expressed by a strong sensitivity to opinions about oneself. Self-love is noted in each individual, however, it is expressed in varying degrees. Overly proud individuals are overly sensitive to criticism and are incredibly worried when they are denied something. Infringed pride can develop into a fully conscious or unconscious revenge.
Wounded pride
Each of the individuals is a person, represents something, has unique character traits and worldview. This is an absolute and indisputable fact. And yet human psychology includes some points that unite all people. These features include pride, which is one of the characteristics of human nature.
Is selfishness good or bad? Psychologists give such a meaning to self-esteem: the individual's defense of his social value, as well as relevance. In other words, pride determines such a character trait, thanks to which an individual becomes smarter, more attractive, grows above himself, maintains value in society.
Is self-love a good incentive to improve your life? Everyone will answer this question for himself. Some are inclined to believe that pride is good, others that it is an illusion of one's own superiority, leading to hyperbolization of one's own "I". One thing is clear, that each individual has his own personal motivation and without respect, as well as self-love, intellectual, spiritual and physical growth is impossible. And negative statements, judgments, indications of shortcomings negatively affect the personality, hurting pride.
Each individual reacts to criticism differently: someone has a feeling of guilt, someone becomes aggressive, someone has low self-esteem, someone is very irritated, but in any case, criticism does not go unnoticed and strikes at self-esteem .
Not everyone can adequately accept criticism due to their individual characteristics and character traits, but it is important to be able to correctly perceive constructive comments. If it so happened that an unreasonable offense was inflicted on a person, then psychologists advise accepting it as a fait accompli, drawing conclusions and moving on in life.
Man is very susceptible to social approval. When he is praised, he grows in his own eyes, when criticized, then vice versa. Proud, builds a certain scale of values in his head and tries to achieve it with all his might. It is good when a person strives for goals that are useful for himself and society, and it is destructive behavior when an individual deliberately takes the path of degradation. It must be remembered that self-love itself acts as a catalyst for actions and desires, but not the main cause.
It is sometimes very easy to offend a proud person. All it takes is one word. In this case, there is a heightened self-esteem, when a person exclusively focuses on satisfying his needs and desires, by and large, he is indifferent to those around him. Such excessive conceit leads to self-centeredness.
The desire to be the first is attributed to normal, healthy pride. A physically and mentally healthy person is always endowed with this quality. In this case, it is the motivation for professional and personal success.
Vulnerable pride is noted in women, so you should not intentionally offend them, because you can forever lose a good relationship with them. Women react sharply to remarks about their appearance, way of thinking, behavior. In adulthood, they are especially sensitive to words of flattery and compliments, so it is sometimes better to remain silent than to tell a lie. For the fair sex, it is important to feel calm and comfortable, so it is better to refrain from bluntly expressing shortcomings. If such a need exists, then it is better to express it in private. At the same time, hurt pride will not suffer much, and you will maintain normal relationships.
Wounded pride
In wounded pride, the bad thing is that the individual perceives critical remarks in his address painfully, and begins to treat people with suspicion. It is very difficult for a proud individual to learn to control himself and competently perceive criticism in his address. No matter how mild the criticism is presented, it is always difficult for people to perceive, and often individuals take it too close to their hearts, especially if the critic is unskilled or the criticism is not constructive. Not very many people know the art of constructive criticism, so it is doubly hard and painful to perceive it.
How is it correct to respond to criticism, if it so happened that the individual became its object? If a person has been criticized, then, first of all, he should convince himself that he really has something to criticize him for, otherwise he will behave aggressively. At the same time, if a person recognizes the right of other individuals to criticize him, then he can also count on the recognition of certain rights for him. For example, the right to be reckoned with, not to humiliate his dignity, not to extend criticism to the individual. Also, the individual has the right to demand that criticism be made only in private conversation and not in the presence of strangers and colleagues.
Here are some tips on how a person should behave in such a situation:
If the essence of criticism is not clear, then it is necessary to ask the person who criticizes to clarify what he specifically means;
It is important for a person to learn to separate the content of criticism from the form, if a person is not satisfied with the form, then one can answer this way: “criticism is fair - I admit this, but I wanted it not to become personal”;
If a person does not agree with the criticism, then he should say so, mentioning, at the same time, expressions that emphasize that this point of view is his. For example, “I personally think differently” or “it was not like that”;
Maintain eye contact at all times and speak in an undrooping, cheerful voice without raising your tone.
What does self-love mean? Wounded sick pride is not just an awareness of personal negative aspects of one's character, it is also a defensive reaction of the EGO to internal problems, as well as feedback to the world around. As a result, with wounded pride, there is resentment against those people who inflicted it. Insulted pride is not a character trait, but acts, as already mentioned, a defensive reaction of the person who was offended. Often such an individual becomes immune to criticism, becomes inadequate and incapable of introspection. This happens because the EGO of the individual builds a strong shell around its painful core, which is felt like dull pain aching in the soul. The provoking factors in this case are the lack of love, dissatisfaction with life, dissatisfaction with the reaction of others and with oneself. The constant does not allow a person to fully live. Pointing out a lack or expressing criticism to a person with heightened self-esteem only provokes him, and the result of such painful self-esteem is inadequate behavior.
Male pride
A blow to pride offends any person, but in comparison with women's pride in men, it is more aggravated, as a result of which they become unpredictable, uncontrollable and inadequate. In order not to offend male pride in family life, a woman needs to learn how to smooth out sharp corners, be able to give in, not touch pain points. It also does not hurt to find out what often annoys men the most, as well as what women's actions they cannot forgive at all.
For many women, the feeling of some kind of impunity is perceived as the right to say and do whatever they want, as well as to achieve their goals by any means. A loving man can forgive a woman a lot if it does not go beyond certain limits. When one day such an often complaisant and gentle man ceases to be controllable, he greatly surprises his beloved half. Therefore, it is very important for a woman in a relationship to maintain a certain line that cannot be crossed under any circumstances. So what will a man never forgive? Male pride will be very much hurt by female betrayal, which will be very difficult for a man to forgive. Own infidelity with women's infidelity for men is not comparable. They do not attach importance to their betrayal, since they attribute it to a simple need for intimacy. After the betrayal, they continue to consider their woman the most dear. But with female infidelity, everything is different. Often, female adultery is not accidental, and in most cases there is sympathy, passion, search, as well as the need for affection and tenderness. By cheating, a woman makes it clear to her man that her relationship with him means nothing to her. In the case of betrayal, male pride suffers very much and, even if a man forgives, then he is unlikely to be able to ever forget the fact of betrayal and the relationship will no longer be the same as it was before.
Men cannot forgive women if they assign themselves a dominant role in relationships, and also put themselves above them. Whatever a man is, he wants to feel himself in charge and be a protector, as well as a support. A man wants to feel more confident, stronger, even if a woman earns more and knows how to make decisions, as well as implement them. A woman should spare male pride and not take on the role of mistress of the situation in everything. Sooner or later, a man will not withstand the moral burden, will oppose this and leave for the one with whom he will be confident and strong.
To maintain a relationship with a man, a woman should never compare him with others. He wants to be the best and only for a woman, so comparison with others humiliates him, gives rise to complexes and irritation that can get out of control.
A woman should not emphasize her role as a mistress in the house and aloud express her husband's shortcomings, as well as the advantages of other men. In order not to hurt the pride of a man, it is necessary not to demonstrate your mind and knowledge to the detriment of the image of your beloved man.
Men also do not like attempts to manipulate intimate relationships. Rejecting intimacy under the false pretext of headaches and fatigue is one way to push a man to cheat. And to demand for intimacy the fulfillment of whims, gifts and thus manipulate looks dishonorable.
After getting married, many women relax and try to look good just before they leave the house. Over time, the husband wonders why the wife no longer wants to please him? Even if he does not show the view, it is necessary not to forget about it.
How to hurt male pride? Male pride can be greatly hurt when a man is put in a funny light, and for him this means not recognizing his worth. Women should be careful when making fun of men. This is especially true of intimate opportunities, members of his family, appearance, ability to earn money.
Men do not want to “dance to the tune of a woman”, they do not tolerate clichés and monotony in behavior, they cannot tolerate a commanding tone from a woman. These listed moments can forever discourage the male from communicating with women. Male nature will not tolerate an imposing stereotype of behavior, and will not try to fulfill all the expectations.
In order not to offend male vanity, a woman needs to change behavior patterns, say less “it’s supposed to”, “everyone does it that way”, but try to be unpredictable. Men do not tolerate a showdown, they prefer actions to words and rely on impulse, instinct, and long conversations cause irritation and can lead to a break. Therefore, women should not involve a man in a showdown.
A man will never tolerate flirting of his chosen one with another man. Such behavior of a woman will anger a man, and pride will be greatly hurt.
How else to hurt male pride? There are some other habits of women that greatly annoy men. These include endless telephone conversations, endless TV shows, a thirst for gossip, aimless shopping trips, and the habit of buying everything in a row. Men turn a blind eye to many things and try not to focus attention, and also not to notice, but this should not be abused. It is necessary to be able to stop in time, and also think about whether the husband should get on his nerves, bring him to irritation, indignation and displeasure. To maintain peace and tranquility in the family, as well as for a man to respect and love a woman, it is necessary to respect and spare his pride.
Women's pride
The self-esteem of women is so often unreasonably high that it can be offended by anything and the fair sex immediately turns into a disgusting creature. A woman with hurt pride begins to sting, splurge, offend the words of the interlocutor. Often the behavior of a woman is not controlled and she is not aware of what she is doing. It is very difficult to get rid of this condition. A woman is haunted by a desire for revenge and anger in her eyes. Minor grievances and reticence provoke an increase in tension in relationships and worsen interpersonal relationships. Therefore, in order to maintain a trusting, sincere, happy relationship, a woman needs to overcome, no matter how difficult it is, hurt pride.
Psychologists note that a blow to pride is easily dealt by male adultery. Not all women can look past the numerous male infidelities. And no matter how experts try to explain the reasons for male infidelity, to show the driving motives so that women do not react so emotionally and painfully to it, nothing happens.
Psychologists note that infidelity occurs due to the weakening of emotional ties between spouses, and it makes the hidden conflict obvious. According to statistics, it is a woman who in many cases initiates a divorce today. Women's pride pushes for such a decisive step. Before a divorce, a woman decides for herself what is more important for her: personal pride or endurance, love, patience for a person who until recently was close and dear. Often women are indignant: why do psychologists urge them to endure after their husband's betrayal?! It turns out that the wife should, meeting her husband from work, be charming, feed delicious dinners, provide leisure and also take care of the children.
And if the spouse suddenly finds out about the betrayal, then she needs to calm down, tune in to a neutral wave, visit the hairdresser, sing trendy songs, keep an eye on her wardrobe in order to remind her of her attractiveness. In such a situation, not every woman wants and can behave this way. Therefore, most women choose divorce. At the same time, many women are outraged by the fact that psychologists do not call on a husband who has learned about his wife's infidelity to take care of household chores, try to regain his attractiveness, give gifts to his wife and capture her mood. As if on purpose, the wives believe, the difference between male and female psychology is emphasized.
Undoubtedly, it is necessary to take into account male psychology in family life, since nature endowed the representatives of the stronger sex with emotional stability, will, and all methods of re-education by women often face resistance. Many wives would do well to use the ability to adapt, patience and affection, and not go ahead. Many husbands do not withstand the pressure in this situation, and betrayal is often an infantile attempt at self-assertion in the eyes of another woman. And if the unfaithful spouse begins to be reproached for immorality, selfishness, then it is possible to only push him away completely. Of course, both with someone else's and with one's self-esteem one must reckon with and not allow it to play out to the heightened limits. Therefore, perhaps, nature endowed women with artistry, spiritual subtlety, deep cordiality, the ability to see with the soul, understand, regret and empathize.
Speaker of the Medical and Psychological Center "PsychoMed"
Some qualities inherent in people initially have a lot in common, so it is not surprising that they are confused. For example, not everyone succeeds in distinguishing self-esteem from self-respect. In addition, it is possible to mistakenly endow traits with negative connotations without realizing their significance.
What is self-love?
Self-love is a feeling inherent in any person; full acceptance of one's own strengths and weaknesses. It is mistakenly equated with selfishness. In fact, it is it that helps to achieve success, to fence off the unnecessary, to avoid dangerous situations, not to suffer because of the progressive ones.
There are many myths around self-esteem that do not seek to debunk. Such an attitude towards oneself is often condemned, it is considered almost indecent. In society, they are more loyal to the notorious than to. Causes - or the belief that confident individuals are fixated on their own desires, ignoring others, and unable to have strong feelings for others. The latter is characteristic of people, but the roots of such behavior lie not in relation to oneself.
Wounded selfishness.
Both notorious teenagers and adult respectable men and women suffer from it. The syndrome is inherent in those who have problems with the ego. It is easy to offend such people by inadvertently dropping a sharp joke, criticizing their activities / appearance / choice, even looking “wrong”. Wounded pride is a strong reaction to external stimuli, which manifests itself almost instantly.
How to fight?
Stop getting angry in response to jokes; do not pay attention to phrases spoken specifically in order to hook pride. A person does not become ugly or untalented because someone voiced an insult out loud - his personality does not change in any way. Words, in fact, are not offensive: resentment is just a reaction to something.
It should be easier to relate to what others say. Someone's words do not affect the internal state. But anger, self-winding, resentment from scratch - they influence, and tangibly. Those who specifically say offensive things are trying to throw out the accumulated negativity, and almost any reaction of the respondent brings him a fair dose of negative. Ignoring or neutral attitude is a proven defense that saves nerves and composure.
What is self respect?
What is the difference between self-love and self-respect?
The concepts seem similar, but there is still a difference between them. The second is not able to exist without the first - without accepting itself externally and internally as a whole. But individual manifestations of self-esteem do not imply self-respect - for example, wounded. This is due to egoism, repressed complexes and other problems.
The difference is that respect by all means. At the same time, each person has pride, sometimes manifested in not the best forms. In general (not to be confused with) - a much more important quality, because it implies the complete acceptance of all negative and positive, work on oneself, ignoring the unnecessary.
The confusion between the terms is a completely understandable phenomenon, because they are considered adjacent. However, there are more differences between wounded self-esteem and self-respect than there are commonalities. The first quality should be eradicated, while the second, on the contrary, should be “nourished”. This implies not only the elimination of destructive traits, but also the development of the best ones. Helping others, respecting them and yourself is the key to a harmonious happy life.
Each of us is a person - this is an undeniable and absolute fact. Each of us represents something, has a unique set of traits and characteristics of character, a unique psychology and worldview, which makes us so different from each other. And yet in human psychology there are several common points that unite all people on Earth, several psychological characteristics that are observed in each person. One of these characteristics of human nature is pride. But what is self-love and how useful is it in the conditions of modern life?
Basic definition
Different psychological Talmuds define self-love in different ways. But in general, they all agree that pride is nothing more than a defense of one's social value and relevance. In other words, self-love can be defined as a trait due to which a person constantly grows above himself, becomes better, smarter, more attractive and maintains his value in society. Relative value, of course. But is this really a good incentive to improve your life? Everyone will find the answer for himself, because for each of us there is a personal motivation. However, let's just say: without love and self-respect, further spiritual, physical and intellectual growth is impossible.
Pros and cons
But self-esteem is good - many psychologists will say. And others will answer the opposite, they say, to exalt oneself extremely is akin to moral degradation. And by the way, they would be right too. After all, a proud person, as a rule, tries not only to inform others about the constant growth above himself, but also in every possible way to maintain the illusion of his own superiority. Of course, this is true in the case when a person is too fixated on himself, but, as practice shows, even the most modest people are prone to exaggeration of their own "I".
human praise
From the point of view of practical psychology, pride is the time when a person is actively fueled by various manifestations of social approval. In other words, when we are praised, we grow in our own eyes, and vice versa. A proud person, as a rule, builds in his head a certain scale of values and goals that must be achieved by all means, and for this it is necessary to constantly strive somewhere and do something. Of course, this is good, especially in those cases when a person strives for goals that are useful for him and society. But when a person intentionally follows the path of self-destruction and degradation, pride here plays a somewhat perverted role. It is always important to remember that this quality in itself is a catalyst for desires and actions, but by no means the main reason.
selfishness
“Nobody loves self-loving people,” many people say so. But in fact, people definitely like it, especially those whose psychotype is characterized by pride. It is sometimes very easy to offend such a person - just say one word. Here, there is already a heightened self-esteem, in which a person focuses exclusively on satisfying his desires and needs, he is indifferent to those around him, by and large. We can say that too strong a manifestation of this quality leads to egocentrism, that is, to an extreme degree of egoism.
Striving to be the first
But if we talk about the normal, then this, of course, is good. A mentally and physically healthy person is always distinguished by self-esteem, and a fair amount. This is not a vice and not a reason for condemnation - such is the nature of people. After all, pride is nothing more than a motivation for personal and professional success. Young people are always proud, even those who are considered an example of modesty. This entails high ambition and the desire to succeed in whatever field. So you should always respect and love yourself - it's better to go too far than to underestimate yourself and your strengths.
hurt feeling
Of course, you should not intentionally hurt anyone's feelings, especially women's pride. Indeed, in this case, not only will you just offend a person, but you can also permanently lose a good relationship with him. For this, this is especially true, because, despite the uniqueness of each girl, they still, like men, have something in common. Women, especially in adulthood, are very sensitive to compliments and words of flattery, so it is better to remain silent than to tell a lie. And, of course, the fair sex is more sensitive to comments about the appearance, behavior and way of thinking from the people around them. For a lady of any age, it is important to feel comfortable and calm, so you should not point out any shortcomings in a straightforward, public way - just keep silent, but if it is so necessary to draw a woman's attention to this nuance, it is better to tell her this aside, in private. And hurt pride will not suffer much, and you will remain in a normal relationship.
Passion "self-love" in Greek - philautia. The word “philautia” indicates the essence of this passion, and our task is to look at this phenomenon, this phenomenon, in order to see the action of this passion in ourselves.
Literally, “philautia” is love for oneself. A proud person is fixated on himself, he loves himself, listens to himself and pleases himself. Philautia is pride, self-indulgence, love for one's body, self-pity, blind fear for oneself, self-preoccupation. This obsession with oneself is finite, oneself transient, loving one's desires, whims, so that it is in my opinion. Self-love is the opposite of what God wants from us. God wants us to love Him—God, and God wants us to love our neighbor. And a proud person is directed at himself - he does not love God, he cannot love God, he loves himself, his body, his will, his desires, his "I". God is eternal, I am finite. Self-love is the love of one's self, one's false self. When a person is directed towards God and fulfills the will of God, his egoistic "I", his imaginary self disappears, it does not exist. And when a person is not directed at God, but is directed at himself, his self, his “I” imaginary “exists”. This “I”, this selfhood does not really exist, this is something false, invented, this is self-will from which sin began, this is something damaged in a person, which the apostle Paul called the body of death, this is what he wants his own, to be in my opinion, according to my selfish desires, this is an old, passionately sinful person. Nicodemus the Holy Mountaineer says that pride is an old man. The Holy Fathers say that self-love is the main passion, from which three passions first emerge - love of glory, love of money, voluptuousness, and then all other passions.
In order to please God, to love God, in order to know Jesus Christ, you need to learn to look at what hinders this - self-love. Jesus Christ, by his life, gives an example of overcoming oneself and tells us: “If anyone wants to follow Me, deny himself, and take up your cross, and follow Me” [Mt 16:24]. But this passion acts in us independently of us - self-love, philautia, and if we do not look at it, do not see its signs, it interferes in our life, in our doing according to God, and a crafty substitution occurs when it seems to us that we do the right thing - according to God, pleasing to God, we please God, but in fact we please ourselves if we do not see this enemy acting within us - self-love. The apostle Paul described this as “the good that I want I do not, but the evil that I do not want I do” [Rom 7:19]. Self-love is when we want to do according to God, but we fail, because we are used to doing it in our own way, according to our own self-pleasing. Self-love is the basis of all passions, and it is a habit, a passion, to please oneself. To realize that the fight against it is a hard and long business, you need to understand that passion is a sinful habit, it is a habit to follow not God, but dark forces. And in order to overcome this habit, you need, firstly, to see it in yourself, its signs, and secondly, to create a counter-habit, that is, slowly, in small steps, patiently and steadily do something according to God, overcoming your self-indulgence. You can’t overcome self-love right away, in a short time, because we are used to loving ourselves and pleasing ourselves. We need to realize the following fact: we often indulged ourselves, did what pleased ourselves, worried and cared only about ourselves, and if about others, then so that they indulge our self-esteem. Man-pleasing is connected with self-pleasing, when a person flatters another, pleases him so that he takes care of him, pretends to love his neighbor, while he himself seeks only attention and love for himself.
In order to fight self-love in smart deeds, to resist this passion, you should turn your attention to yourself, to your mind and heart, in order to track the thoughts that kindle, give rise to the passion of self-love. How do passions ignite and form in us? We first accept thoughts, attachments that come from demons. Then we talk with them, the heart delights in them, then the will is connected and passion is created - a sinful habit of acting at the behest of the evil forces. In the fight against self-love, there should be a twofold work. First you need to track the thoughts of self-love, which the evil one throws into our minds, and then cast them out. We must clearly realize that these thoughts of self-pleasing are not ours. The cunning of the devil is that he deceives us in such a way that he makes us follow his will, but at the same time he makes us think that we are following ourselves, doing our own will. This is a cunning trap, a trick of the evil one to deceive us and enslave us. If we observe our heart in sobriety - attention to thoughts, then we see how thoughts of self-love have a destructive effect on the soul, on the heart, we notice that they are alien, hostile to us. We see how thoughts of self-pleasing (self-will) enter our heart, infect it with vanity, how we are captured by something alien, restless, evil and deadly. We realize with obviousness that this depresses us, it is harmful to us, bad for our heart, this is a disease that destroys health. Signs of thoughts of self-love, when we accept them, vanity and confusion appear in the heart. This is some kind of anxious self-preoccupation, preoccupied fussiness, a desire for things to be the way I want, and at the same time, irritable impatience arises. The main thing here is to catch in attention, in observing oneself, one’s heart, how the heart reacts to these enemy thoughts, attachments, how it is captured by preoccupied anxiety about oneself, how it is captured by something (someone) other - alien, dead and terrible . The criterion here is this - when we are with God, when we fulfill the will of God, we have peace and grace in our hearts, we feel good, our hearts feel good. We can observe this state in ourselves after attentive prayer, after Liturgy, participation in the Sacraments. We are with God, and we feel good, calm, peaceful and gracious. The Lord is eternal and gives absolute reliable eternal support. Self-love, on the other hand, is directed at the temporary, not eternal, finite, transient, and hence the fussiness and painful anxiety, uncertainty in the soul, in the heart from the thoughts of self-love, because it is impossible to rely on the transient, which is, and it no longer exists - this is a false support. It is easier to track the thoughts of self-love from a state of grace, calm, then the anxiety and fuss that they bring are most noticeable and conscious. For example, we leave the church after confession, communion, or get up after an attentive, calm prayer - and then thoughts appear. Thoughts that we would like something, we need to do something, evil thoughts against people who have infringed on our pride, etc. These thoughts enter our heart, and anxiety appears in it, something is felt , something is wrong, the peace that was from communion with God is disturbed. We observe signs of the impact of thoughts of self-love on the heart - this is restlessness, vanity, anxiety, trouble, torment. It is necessary to clearly realize that these thoughts are hostile and painful - “I want it to be in my opinion, according to my pride, to be good for me, but I want impatiently, irritably, to be here and now the way I want”, and I suffer from these thoughts. And if, in my opinion, it doesn’t work out, then immediately anger and fear. Dostoevsky called it "to live according to one's stupid will." This is an abnormal action of the desirable and irritable forces of the soul.
If we trace in ourselves that these painful thoughts of self-love, self-pleasing (to be in my opinion, as I love, as I want) - this is something alien in me and I get sick from it, it makes me feel bad, then this awareness a very good start for the fight against self-esteem. If we saw this in ourselves, if we saw the thoughts that enter into us, into our hearts and begin to torment us, excite and disturb us, if we track these thoughts in sobriety (attention to the heart), recognize them as alien, as enemy, then we can resist them, tell them “no!”, reject them from ourselves, from our heart. Hesychius of Jerusalem calls this operation of cutting off enemy thoughts from the heart "contradiction of thoughts." We say to thoughts and passions - no, because it is not mine, it is someone else's and hostile, and we cut off, we drive them away from ourselves.
And when I see that these thoughts are not mine and I reject them, then I create counter-thoughts, i.e., I intensify thoughts in myself that are opposite to self-loving ones. This is the second operation in the fight against thoughts - the creation of a counter-thought, the creation of a thought opposite to a self-loving thought, the creation of a god-pleasing thought, so that a god-pleasing thought opposes a self-pleasing thought. The Word of God is a source for charitable thoughts.
The third operation is to fight, to drive away from oneself, to drive out thoughts and passions from the heart with the Jesus Prayer or any other prayer. If we inadvertently let an enemy thought into our hearts, self-loving thoughts multiply, and passion begins to ignite - here you need to pray intensely, better than Jesus, in order to defeat and drive away enemies in the Name of Jesus, to stop passion, sinful spiritual movement.
Here are three operations to combat the thoughts of self-love (and in general all enemy thoughts). To see the thought of pride and tell him - no, this is not mine in me, this is a deception that my thought is an enemy, who wants to kill me, destroy me, I feel bad from him. Realizing this, I cut it off from myself and create a counter-thought, I begin to think according to God (and not in my own way), and the common feature of all counter-thoughts is that they are based on the Word of God and, unlike the thoughts of self-love, which inspire to fulfill one’s will, one’s desires aimed at doing the will of God. Next, I say the Jesus Prayer so that the spiritual fire of prayer drives away thoughts and calms the passions driven by the forces of darkness.
An example - the thought of self-pleasing came, which inspires me to do something in my own way, as I want, to do something unreal, unreasonable, inappropriate, inconsistent with the real situation. It kind of blinds, darkens the mind, pushes me to the wrong action, it excites me with the desire to do it according to my own will. And in myself I say to this thought - “no”, and then I say to myself - “As the Lord gives, as he manages, as he instructs, so it will be.” And this thought calms me down. I really calm down. Impatience, anxiety, doubt, self-willed greedy desire, confusion, embarrassment are overcome by calm faith-confidence in God, in His love and providential care. Self-indulgence, self-love is - "like it, don't like it." It pisses me off, upsets me - there is discord in my heart, desires are torn apart. If I stop all this in myself, create a counter-thought - I think “As the Lord gives, so it will be”, create a thought of faith, a thought of relying on the will of God, on his commandments, then I will see that my heart calms down, some kind of stability appears, because I leave my will and accept the will of God, I accept His commandments in thought and heart, I trust in the will of God, and the Lord gives comfort and strength. But since the confusion from the chaos of selfish thoughts and passions does not immediately go away, I begin to methodically strike the enemy like a sword with the Jesus Prayer until the enemy runs away, then the thoughts of self-indulgence will dissipate, the passions will calm down and grace-filled peace will appear in the heart, peace in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Why is it important to gain experience in dealing with yourself - with pride. An ordinary person feels his helplessness in front of the enemy's evil thoughts. He is in a confused state from the attack of thoughts and passions and does not know what is happening to him and what to do with it. But if he has ascetic skills and has experience of internal warfare in his heart, then he begins to feel that he is not so helpless. Even if there are strong shocks, unrest and attacks, but a person sees that he can at least a little resist mental enemies, passions, fight them with the power of the Lord Jesus Christ, then there appears a calm confidence that the Lord Jesus Christ is with you, he will protect you and will not leave you. . This faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, love for the Lord Jesus Christ, prayerful striving for the Lord Jesus overcomes self-love, leads out of the blind lost state of self-loving obsession with oneself, out of the horror and anxiety of self-willed God-forsakenness, gives peace, peace and grace.
Lord help us!