Words of comfort when losing a loved one. How to support someone if they are in shock
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We intuitively and subconsciously understand how to behave in joyful, easy life situations and holiday events. But there are events of a tragic nature - the death of a loved one, for example. Many are lost, faced with their unpreparedness for loss; for most, such events are beyond acceptance and awareness.
People experiencing loss are easily vulnerable, acutely aware of insincerity and pretense, their feelings are overwhelmed with pain, they need help to relieve it, accept it, come to terms with it, but in no case add to the pain with an accidentally thrown tactless word or incorrect phrase.
You need to be able to show increased tact and correctness, sensitivity and condescension. It is better to remain silent, showing delicate understanding, than to cause additional pain, hurt disturbed feelings, or touch nerves overloaded with emotions.
We will try to help you understand how to behave in a situation where the person next to you has suffered grief - the loss of a loved one, how to properly sympathize and choose the right words so that the person feels your support and sincere sympathy.
It is necessary to take into account the existing differences in condolences.
The form of expressing condolences for the loss will vary:
- Grandparents, relatives;
- mother or father;
- brother or sister;
- son or daughter - child;
- husband or wife;
- boyfriend or girlfriend;
- colleagues, employee.
Because the depth of experience varies.
Also, the expression of condolences depends on the severity of the grieving person’s feelings about what happened:
- Imminent death due to old age;
- imminent death due to serious illness;
- premature, sudden death;
- tragic death, accident.
But there is a main, general condition, independent of the cause of death - genuine sincerity in the expression of your grief.
The condolence itself should be short in form, but deep in content. Therefore, you need to find the most sincere words that accurately convey the depth of your sympathy and your willingness to provide support.
In this article we will provide samples and examples of various forms of expressing condolences and help you choose mournful words.
You will need:
Form and method of presentation
Condolences will be distinctive features in form and method of presentation, depending on its purpose.
Purpose:
- Personal individual condolences to family and friends.
- Official individual or collective.
- Obituary in the newspaper.
- Farewell mourning words at the funeral.
- Funeral words at the wake: for 9 days, on the anniversary.
Serving method:
The timeliness factor is important, so the postal delivery method should only be used to send a telegram. Of course, the fastest way to offer your condolences is to use modern communication tools: email, Skype, Viber..., but they are suitable for confident Internet users, and these should be not only senders, but also recipients.
Using SMS to show sympathy and empathy is only acceptable if there are no other opportunities for contact with a person, or if the status of your relationship is distant acquaintance or formal friendly relations. Use this link to get it for different occasions.
Submission form:
In writing:
- Telegram;
- email;
- e-card;
- obituary - a mourning note in a newspaper.
Orally:
- In a telephone conversation;
- at a personal meeting.
In prose: suitable for writing and oral form expressions of grief.
In verse: Suitable for written expressions of grief.
Important points
All verbal condolences should be short in form.
- It is more delicate to express official condolences in writing. For this, a heartfelt verse is more suitable, to which you can choose a photo of the deceased, corresponding electronic pictures and postcards.
- Personal individual condolences must be exclusive and can be expressed either verbally or in writing.
- For the dearest and closest people, it is important to express or write sorrowful condolences in your own sincere words, not formal, which means not stereotyped.
- Since poems are rarely exclusive, exclusively yours, so listen to your heart, and it will tell you words of consolation and support.
- Not only words of condolences should be sincere, but also an offer of any help that is within your power: financial, organizational.
Be sure to mention the distinctive personal virtues and character traits of the deceased person that you would like to preserve in memory forever as an example: wisdom, kindness, responsiveness, optimism, love of life, hard work, honesty...
This will be the individual part of the condolence, the main part of which can be formulated according to the approximate model proposed in our article.
Universal mournful texts
- “May the earth rest in peace” is a traditional ritual phrase that is said after a burial has taken place; it can be used as a condolence at a funeral, and is suitable even for atheists.
- “We all mourn your irreparable loss.”
- “The pain of loss cannot be expressed in words.”
- “I sincerely condole and sympathize with your grief.”
- “Please accept my deepest condolences on the death of a dear person.”
- “We will keep in our hearts the bright memory of the deceased wonderful man.”
Help can be offered in the following words:
- “We are ready to share the severity of your grief, be by your side and provide the necessary assistance to you and your family.”
- “Surely, you will need to resolve many issues. You can count on us, accept our help."
On the death of mother, grandmother
- “The death of the closest person - mother - is an irreparable grief.”
- “The bright memory of her will forever be in our hearts.”
- “How much we didn’t have time to tell her during her lifetime!”
- “We sincerely mourn and sympathize with you in this bitter moment.”
- “Hold on! In memory of her. She wouldn't want to see you in despair."
On the death of a husband, father, grandfather
- “I offer my sincere condolences and express my deep sympathy in connection with the death of a loved one who was a reliable support for you and your family.”
- "In memory of this strong man you must show fortitude and wisdom to survive this grief and continue what he did not have time to complete.”
- “We will carry the bright and kind memory of him throughout our lives.”
On the death of a sister, brother, friend, loved one
- “It is painful to realize the loss of a loved one, but it is even more difficult to come to terms with the departure of young people who have not known life. Eternal memory!
- “Allow me to express my most sincere condolences on the occasion of this severe, irreparable loss!”
- “Now you will have to become a support for your parents! Remember this and hang in there!”
- “God help you survive and endure the pain of this loss!”
- “For the sake of your children, their peace and well-being, you need to cope with this grief, find the strength to live and learn to look into the future.”
- “Death does not take away love, your love is immortal!”
- “Happy memory to a wonderful man!”
- “He will forever remain in our hearts!”
If you are at a distance, find out via SMS. Select the appropriate message and send to the recipient.
On the death of a colleague
- “We've worked side by side for the last few years. He was an excellent colleague and example for young colleagues. His professionalism served as an example for many. You will forever remain in our memory as an example of life wisdom and honesty. May you rest in peace!”
- “Her/his dedication to her/his work earned her/him the respect and love of all who knew her/him. He/She will forever remain in my memory."
- “You were a wonderful employee and friend. How we will miss you. May you rest in peace!”
- “I can’t come to terms with the thought that you’re gone. It seems like just recently we were drinking coffee, discussing work and laughing... I will really miss you, your advice and crazy ideas.”
To the death of a believer
The text of condolences may contain the same mournful words as for a secular person, but an Orthodox Christian should add:
- Ritual phrase:
“The Kingdom of Heaven and Eternal Peace!”
"God is merciful!"
My dear, I really sympathize with your grief. My condolences... Be strong!
- Friend, I mourn your loss. I know this is a hard blow for you and your family. I offer my sincere condolences.
- Left wonderful person. My condolences to you, my dear, and to your entire family at this sad and difficult moment.
“This tragedy has hurt all of us. But of course, it affected you the most. Please accept my condolences.
How to condole in Islam (Muslims)?
Expressing condolences is Sunnah in Islam. However, it is undesirable for the relatives of the deceased to gather in one place to receive condolences. The main purpose of expressing condolences is to encourage people who have suffered misfortune to be patient and content with the predestination of Allah. The words that should be spoken when expressing condolences are: “May Allah grant you beautiful patience and may He forgive the sins of your deceased (your deceased).”
How to send condolences over the phone?
In the case when words of condolences are spoken over the phone, you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: “May the earth rest in peace!” If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then this phrase is convenient to complete your words of condolences, for example, “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be of assistance. Count on me, call me any time!”
How to deal with someone experiencing loss?
It is not necessary to grieve, cry with him, letting someone else’s suffering pass through him. You will be much more effective in your help if you act rationally and thoughtfully. One way to cope with a loss is to talk about it repeatedly. In this case, strong emotions will be reacted. You need to listen carefully to the person and answer his questions if necessary. Allowing a person to express his emotions and experiences. It could be tears, anger, irritation, sadness. You don’t make judgments, you just listen carefully and are nearby. Tactile contact is possible, that is, you can hug a person, take a hand, or sit a child on your lap.
No 5Has your girlfriend, boyfriend or stranger had an accident? Do you want to support and comfort him, but you don’t know how best to do this? What words can be said and what words should not be said? Passion.ru will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.
Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.
4 stages of grief
A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:
- Shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that is happening, insensibility, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite,.
- Suffering phase. Lasts from 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory and sleep. The person also experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, and lethargy. Stomach pain and a feeling of a lump in the throat may occur. If a person experiences the death of a loved one, then during this period he may idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
- Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. Characterized by restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan your activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less often.
- Recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief gives way to sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.
Is it necessary to console a person? Undoubtedly, yes. If the victim is not given help, this can lead to infections, accidents, and depression. Psychological assistance is priceless, so support your loved one as best you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person is not listening to you or is not paying attention, do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.
Should you console strangers? If you feel sufficient moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person doesn’t push you away, doesn’t run away, doesn’t scream, then you’re doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.
Is there a difference in consoling people you know and people you don't know? Actually - no. The only difference is that you know one person more, another less. Once again, if you feel empowered, then help. Stay close, talk, involve general activities. Don't be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.
So, let's look at the methods psychological support in the two most difficult stages of grief.
Shock phase
Your behavior:
- Don't leave the person alone.
- Touch the victim unobtrusively. You can take your hand, put your hand on your shoulder, pat your loved ones on the head, or hug. Monitor the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch or does he push away? If it pushes you away, don’t impose yourself, but don’t leave.
- Make sure that the person being consoled rests more and does not forget about meals.
- Keep the victim occupied with simple activities, such as some funeral work.
- Listen actively. A person may say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and keep returning to emotional experiences. Avoid advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand him. Help the victim simply talk through his experiences and pain - he will immediately feel better.
Your words:
- Talk about the past in the past tense.
- If you know the deceased, tell him something good about him.
You can't say:
- “You can’t recover from such a loss,” “Only time heals,” “You are strong, be strong.” These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
- “Everything is God’s will” (helps only deeply religious people), “I’m tired of it,” “He will be better there,” “Forget about it.” Similar phrases can seriously hurt the victim, since they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
- “You are young, beautiful, you will get married/have a child.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And they tell him to dream.
- “If only the ambulance had arrived on time,” “If only the doctors had paid more attention to her,” “If only I hadn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only intensify the bitterness of loss.
Your behavior:
- In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
- Give the victim plenty of water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
- Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, keep him busy physical work around the house.
- If the victim wants to cry, do not stop him from doing so. Help him cry. - cry with him.
- If it does, don’t interfere.
Your words:
- If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the area of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings.” Tell me how you feel.
- Tell me that this suffering will not last forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
- Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. Tactfully avoiding these topics hurts more than mentioning the tragedy.
You can't say:
- “Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
- “And someone has it worse than you.” Such topics can help, parting, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare one person's grief with another's. Conversations that involve comparison can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.
There is no point in telling the victim: “If you need help, contact/call me” or asking him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.
To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little, take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema. Sometimes this has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to seem intrusive. Time will pass, and he will appreciate your help.
How to support someone if you are far away?
Call him. If he doesn't answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write an SMS or an email. Express your condolences, communicate your feelings, share memories that characterize the deceased from the brightest sides.
Remember that helping a person overcome grief is necessary, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, this will help not only him to cope with the loss. If the loss also affected you, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less damage to your own mental state. And this will also save you from feelings of guilt - you won’t reproach yourself for the fact that you could have helped, but didn’t, brushing aside other people’s troubles and problems.
Olga VOSTOCHNAYA,
psychologist
Anyone who loses a loved one asks the question: “What more can I do for my loved one?” And indeed, when our loved ones get sick, we rush to help, go to the hospital, buy food, medicine; if they are in some other trouble, we also help as much as we can. And this sympathy expresses our love and condolences for them.
But the deceased person is no less, and perhaps even more, in need of our care.
A person does not disappear as a person with brain death and cardiac arrest. In addition to the body (temporary shell), he has an eternal, immortal soul. “God is not the God of the dead, but of the living” (Matthew 22:32). And it is the soul that constitutes the essence of man. And we love (if we really love) our loved one not for the beauty of the body and physical strength, but for the qualities of the soul. Intelligence, kindness, character, love - all these are qualities of the soul of our loved one, what makes up his image. The body is a person’s clothing, it ages, gets sick, changes, irreversible processes happen to it. Sometimes, looking at the remains lying in a coffin, we cannot even recognize a familiar appearance in them, so the deceased changes. And the soul has no age, it is immortal. It’s not for nothing that they say: “He is young at heart,” but the man is already over 60.
Since our neighbor is immortal, he also needs our help and support there, beyond the boundaries of earthly life. So, what does he expect from us, and how can we help him?
Nothing earthly, of course, no longer interests the departed. They don’t need expensive tombstones, lavish funerals, etc. They need only one thing - our fervent prayer for the repose of their souls and the forgiveness of their voluntary and involuntary sins. The deceased himself can no longer pray for himself. Saint Theophan the Recluse says that the departed need prayers, “like a poor person needs a piece of bread and a cup of water.”
We must pray, repent of sins, and begin the sacraments of the Church in our earthly life, and it is given to us as preparation for eternal life, and when a person dies, the outcome of his life has already been summed up, he cannot in any way change it for the better. The deceased can only count on the prayers of the Church and those who knew and loved him during his lifetime. And through the prayers of relatives and friends, the Lord can change the fate of the deceased. Evidence of this is countless cases from Church Tradition and the lives of saints. In the ancient life of St. Gregory Dvoeslov it is described amazing case. The saint had the boldness to pray for the repose of the cruel persecutor of Christianity - Emperor Trajan. But Trajan not only initiated persecution of Christians (for he did not know what he was doing), he was a fair and merciful ruler, and had great concern for his poor subjects. Saint Gregory learned that the emperor had protected a widow in distress, and took upon himself the feat of praying for him. It was revealed to him from God that his prayer was accepted. This example (and many others) is a great consolation and inspires us in our prayers for the departed. Even if the deceased was far from the Church, he can receive relief from his fate through the fervent, tearful prayer of his loved ones.
Another very important point: if the person who left us did not live church life, or we know that his life was far from the commandments of God, loving relatives should be especially attentive to their own soul. We are all interconnected with family and friends, as parts of a single organism: “If one member suffers, all members suffer with it” (1 Cor. 12:26). If some organ is inactive, a person’s other senses become aggravated, other organs take over additional load, its functions. And if our loved one did not have time to do something in spiritual life, we must make up for it for him. By this we will save our soul and bring great benefit to his soul. There is a military song about a deceased pilot, whose comrade says that he lives on earth “for himself and for that guy.” And our life for others, in memory of someone, can be expressed in our fervent prayer, in the acquisition of Christian virtues, in generous alms in memory of the deceased.
It often happens that people who very rarely went to church, lived a carefree, worldly life, having lost a loved one, come to Church and become real Orthodox Christians. Their life changes completely; through sorrow they come to God. And, of course, they spend their entire lives praying for their deceased relatives. The ways of the Lord are mysterious.
Believers and people far from the Church perceive the loss of loved ones in completely different ways. Sometimes you happen to attend the funeral of non-church people and observe what a painful sight it is. I once took part in the funeral service of a famous neurosurgeon and was very good man. The Lord took him when he was still young, after a sudden, fleeting illness, at the peak of his medical activity. And so, when the funeral speeches of his colleagues began, one could observe what confusion and numbness the sacrament of death plunges non-church people into. Almost everyone considered it their duty to begin the word something like this: “What a terrible injustice... How early and suddenly the deceased left us... How much more he could have done,” etc. It is clear that such speeches cannot bring comfort to the relatives and friends of the deceased, rather, on the contrary, they will further aggravate their grief. Even if you don’t believe in anything, you can simply say kind, warm words to a friend and colleague. Why is this happening? Why are people in such confusion in the face of death and avoid even mentioning, even thinking about it in life? everyday life? From fear and uncertainty. Death frightens them; they do not know what awaits them. Is there life there? Or do we live only here in the material world? How to prepare for death and relate to it is a sealed mystery for non-believers. Even the usual wish for official speeches: “May he rest in peace,” is fraught with a hidden question: is this really all: a body in the ground - and nothing else?
With the death of loved ones, people who are far from faith often fall into despair, despondency, and black melancholy. That's it, life is over, if my loved one is no longer there, he has ceased to exist, life no longer makes sense. This is not to say that believers do not mourn the death of loved ones, but they approach death completely differently. Christian sadness is bright, we know that a person lives forever, that death is only separation, that his life continues, but in a different capacity. We know that we are connected to the deceased by bonds of prayer and love. We cannot say: “There was a man - and there is no man.” If we loved our neighbor during life, then after death we continue to love him. “Love never fails,” says the Apostle Paul (1 Cor. 13:8). Whenever I have had to lose loved ones, I have always been left with a feeling of separation, not of an end. As if they had gone somewhere very far away, but not forever, not forever.
Excessive grief is also unacceptable because it not only destroys our own soul (despondency is one of the eight deadly sins), but also prevents us from praying for the departed. An emptiness, a vacuum, forms in the soul of a despondent person; he cannot do anything at all, much less pray. But our loved one so needs our help! And with despondency, depression, melancholy, we will not only not help him, but, perhaps, we will bring suffering. For the sake of our loved ones, we must pull ourselves together, calm down as much as possible and put all our strength into prayer. Especially before the 40th day, a deceased person needs fervent prayers.
The human soul, leaving the body, experiences anxiety and fear: it is accustomed to living in its home for many years, it does not know what awaits it, where the Lord will determine it. After death, a person gives an answer for his entire life, and here his future fate is determined. And it is very important to support the soul of a loved one by remembering at the Divine Liturgy, reading the Psalter, and the cell rule.
Very often, the relatives of the deceased think that if they do not show their grief to others, everyone will think that they did not love the deceased, and sometimes one can observe simply a heartbreaking sight with hysterics, lamentations and howls over the deceased. This is especially practiced in villages where the traditions of special mourners are still preserved. People drive themselves into complete frenzy. What kind of prayer is that?! True grief and grief, as a rule, pass quietly and almost unnoticed by others. It happens that people who are too heartbroken and weeping for the deceased actually feel more sorry for themselves: how poor, unhappy and lonely they are now.
All these traditions we inherited from pagan rituals and, of course, are incompatible with Orthodoxy.
And we, Orthodox Christians, need to dissolve our grief with Christian hope that if we ourselves are saved and save our loved ones with our prayer, then, we dare to believe, we will have a meeting with them there, in another life. And if they reach the Kingdom of Heaven, they will definitely pray there for us.
How to support someone who has suffered a loss?
Or maybe there are things that shouldn’t be talked about? How to support a grieving person, what needs to be said, and what words are completely inappropriate? Read more...
How to properly support with words?
It all depends on how a person feels at the moment. And in order to understand this you need sensitivity. Therefore, first of all, show your participation, listen, try to tune in to the emotions of the mourner.
Attention! You need to understand what the grieving person is feeling now, only then will you find the right words.
Words that act like a balm:
- If a person feels guilty, you can say: “You are not omnipotent, you are not God” or “It is impossible to foresee everything.”
- If a person is self-absorbed or engaged in self-criticism, say: “I can’t imagine how you feel now, I don’t know what I would do in your place” or “You are very courageous, you are holding on with all your might.” Such phrases sound like hidden praise, and this is powerful support.
- If a person cries, then say: “You’re doing the right thing, cry, your soul will feel better.” It is precisely these words that will help the grieving person receive emotional release, and this is the first step towards healing.
- Sometimes silence can support better than any words. Just stay close, be silent, sympathize. This will provide invaluable assistance.
Sometimes it is very useful to simply talk about the deceased. Of course, if a person wants it.
Meet him halfway, listen, show him that you accept him for who he is, along with his grief, tears and despair.
Reference! Anyone who has been in a similar situation knows how difficult it is to listen to these outpourings. But it is precisely this kind of support that is of particular value.
Watch the video in which a psychologist explains how to support a person whose loved one has died:
Stages of Grief
As you know, the state of grief is divided into several stages and each of them requires a special approach and suitable words.
The first stage is shock:
- In this state, a person arrives in a stupor, feels nothing, and is poorly aware of what is happening.
- Sometimes he behaves inappropriately and talks about the dead as if he were alive.
Don't let this scare you, this is temporary. On at this stage It’s best to just be there, just say: “I’m with you.” And that will be enough. Now it is better to speak strictly to the point and not touch on the topic of death.
Important! If you are close to the bereaved, forget about texting, Skype and telephone condolences. They will never replace warmth and support.
The second stage is despair or aggression.
During this period, the meaning of what is happening begins to dawn on the person, and a feeling of loss appears. Know that you will never fully understand the state of the grieving person, and do not try.
If the grieving person behaves aggressively, try to treat this with understanding, because his psyche is now under severe stress. The appropriate words here would be: “I’m nearby and not at all offended by you.” Ingod it is appropriate to say: “I love you.”
The third stage is depression and depression.
It comes after will pass the stage aggression and hysterics.
The third stage is characterized by:
- general weakness,
- apathy,
- unwillingness to live.
And this is the beginning of the transition to normal life. At this stage, it is advisable to be interested in the desires of the mourner, to cry or laugh with him. Conversations on abstract topics would be appropriate here. Try to involve him in the whirlpool of events, find urgent matters.
The fourth stage is a return to the real world.
At this stage, a person tries to return to normal life, resume old connections, his life returns to its usual rhythm. If you see that he is “ready to go out,” it would be quite appropriate to organize a meeting with old friends, go to a party (if appropriate) or go out into nature.
Now a person needs communication like air. Don’t try to behave “correctly”; be guided by the situation.
Important! There are people who prefer solitude in moments of grief, respect their choice. Don’t impose yourself and don’t try to “do good,” otherwise it will only get worse.
Watch the video in which a psychologist describes the stages of grief:
What should you not say?
If you really sympathize, never say:
- Common and template phrases like: “If necessary, please contact me”, “How can I help”, “Condolences”, etc. By themselves, such expressions imply that the person will refuse your help; they are formal and meaningless.
- Avoid like fire the phrases “Everything will be fine”, “Time heals”, “Everything will pass”, etc. Such expressions are annoying and bring nothing but offense.
- No way don't encourage the person to stop crying or “pull yourself together.” Belief is the worst thing you can say. As a rule, such words are insincere; they convey concern for oneself and not for others.
- Never refer to the future, phrases in the style: “everything will work out,” “you’ll find someone else” (if your husband has died), “you’ll give birth again” (if a child has died) are unacceptable! Think for yourself how cruel this sounds. Such expressions look like mockery.
- Don't talk about alternatives. If a disaster occurs, then words like: “Okay, at least the children were not hurt” or something similar would be completely inappropriate. This will only show that you don’t care about the mourner’s feelings. After all, children cannot replace a deceased father, mother or wife.
- Remove any “ifs” from your entire vocabulary. In such words there is a reference to the past, a hint that everything could be different. Such words will bring nothing but additional trauma. After all, they contain a hint that the grieving person is to blame for what happened. Don’t make a person feel guilty, he already feels bad.
- Avoid any condemnation of those who are allegedly to blame for what happened. Even if the third party’s guilt has been proven, and you are 100% sure of it. Do not show solidarity and do not call for punishment on the heads of the perpetrators. This will not soften the pain of loss and will not bring back the deceased. Such words only incite hatred towards the guilty, and this does not contribute to consolation.
- Don't draw any parallels. You should not compare the mourner's feelings with your own feelings or with the feelings of others. You cannot know what a person is like at the moment, how deep his grief is and what is happening to him now. Even if you yourself have experienced something similar, you cannot know for sure what is happening in the soul of another.
Important! If you really want to provide moral support, you will have to hide your emotions and stand firm. Don’t become limp, don’t become hysterical, take a sedative if necessary. Remember - at this moment you are support!