How to learn to say no to your loved ones. How to learn to say the magic word "no"
Many people find it difficult to refuse what others ask them to do - their boss, colleague, or someone close to them. Failing to say “no” in time, a person is forced to do what he absolutely does not want, and as a result, he develops irritation, resentment or anger.
Maria Samotsvetova, a clinical psychologist and family systemic psychotherapist at the Alvian Center for Psychosomatic Medicine and Psychotherapy, talks about how to learn to say “no”.
Such a situation does not benefit anyone: in this case, both the person himself and the task that he is forced to do against his will suffer.
About personal boundaries
Refusal can be polite or rude, harsh or soft, but any refusal is always a person’s response to a violation of his personal boundaries. We say “no” when we don’t want to do something, but in essence we say no when someone invades our personal space and violates our boundaries.
In our country for 70 years there was no talk of any personal boundaries: everyone could stick their nose into other people's affairs, into another's family, into the upbringing of other people's children. For this reason, the question of how to learn to defend your personal space and say “no” (and refusal is one of the ways to defend your boundaries) is currently worrying many Russians.
To learn how to refuse correctly, you first need to understand why such a problem occurs at all. Everyone knows how to say the word "no". But to firmly say this word, when it is necessary to refuse someone, many do not dare. What stops trouble-free people and how to learn to say “no” so as not to offend the interlocutor, or so as not to feel guilty, or so that you can be heard and understood? First, let's try to understand what exactly prevents you from refusing.
Very often people are afraid to say “no”. Such a reaction is absolutely normal: people do not like to quarrel and conflict, even when they disagree with something. The explanation for this also lies in the historical and cultural characteristics of our people: proverbs constantly slip through the turns of Russian speech that say that fighting for your personal boundaries is bad. For example: “he who is not with us is against us”, “friendly - not heavy, but apart - at least drop it”, “one for all - all for one”. Our social structure is built vertically, and such inequality, which is expressed at all levels in the “boss-subordinate” power vertical, also exacerbates the problem of refusal: people are afraid to say “no” because this can lead to conflict.
The ability to correctly refuse is useful not only in official, but also in domestic relations. This skill can be learned.
Step-by-step instruction
Step one: think about the situation.
If you can’t say “no” to another person in a certain situation, think about what needs to happen so that you still refuse him? For example, at work, you already work for three, and the boss wants to entrust you with one more overtime task. How many more overtime tasks are you willing to take on before your patience runs out? Or, for example, your husband constantly yells at you, but you cannot leave him. What needs to happen for you to finally be able to do this? Should he raise his hand to you? That is, it is necessary to understand where the border is, beyond which you will no longer tolerate what you do not like, and you can definitely refuse.
Step two: choose the right words to say no.
Best used for rejection are “I-messages”—sentences that begin with “I,” “me,” “for me,” “I don’t want to…,” “I don’t like it,” “for me.” it is not comfortable". After that, it is necessary to give some facts that will explain the reason for the refusal. For example: “I can’t do this because I have a lot of other tasks right now.” After that, you need to offer something of your own in return: "I will not do all this work, because ... but I can do a small part of this work."
Step three: get used to refusing on trifles.
The following exercise will be useful for practicing failure. Start saying “no” several times a day, refusing some small and insignificant offers: from street flyers (“no thanks!”), from an offer to have coffee with a colleague (“thanks, I don’t want”), from promotional items in the store (“thank you, I don’t need this”). This kind of training will help you feel that you have a RIGHT to refuse others. And it is not only your right, but also your duty to take care of your personal boundaries. And if someone encroaches on these boundaries, trying to load you with extra work or additional responsibilities, you have every right to refuse.
Step Four: Try to understand what you really want.
Almost all people understand what they do not want to do, but few know what they really want. And it also prevents them from saying “no”. For example, if you do not want to work in this company, live in this apartment or with this man, formulate for yourself where you then want to work, where and with whom to live. Being clear about your desires is a very useful skill that helps you say no. Making lists will help you understand your desires: it is very useful to make a list for yourself every morning of what you want today and what you want in the coming year. Or what you want to get out of life in general. In this case, you will be able to match any attempts to violate your personal boundaries with this list, and then it will be easy to refuse someone.
Step five: try to achieve mutual understanding.
Refusal can lead to conflict in cases where misunderstanding appears after the word “no”. For example, you asked a colleague to do something, and he does not want to do it, but thinks that you should guess his unwillingness to do it. You didn’t guess, and as a result, he does it against his will and accumulates a grudge against you, so a conflict arises. Therefore, it is very important to always clarify your position: if they want to entrust something to you, but you don’t want it, you need to openly declare it, explain why you don’t want it, and offer something in return, as described above. Such open, direct communication is the main key to learning how to refuse correctly and how to accept the refusal of another correctly.
Step six: Learn to say no to your boss.
This is perhaps the most difficult. Subordinates often do not want to refuse the boss because of various fears: fear of losing respect, not getting a bonus or promotion, being fired, being reprimanded. But in fact, the leader can also say “no”, but it must be done correctly. If you want to refuse what your boss wants to entrust you, do not rush to do it immediately, as you were told this news. First, take a break and ask permission to think about it for 15-30 minutes. When you leave your boss's office, take a few deep breaths, collect your thoughts, and come up with a rough plan for how to say no. After that, come back and speak with reason in accordance with the scheme described above: “I can’t take on this, because ... If I take on this too, everything will suffer at once. But I can do some of what you want me to do."
It is important to understand that you need to refuse the manager in a timely manner - if you agree to an offer that does not suit you, but then you get angry with yourself and the boss, both the quality of work and your relationship with the manager will suffer from this.
It is often quite difficult to refuse the request of a relative, acquaintance, colleague. Stepping over their own interests, a person out of politeness agrees to do something that is unpleasant for him, or violates personal plans. As a rule, at the same time, he sacrifices his own interests for the sake of the interests of others.
Meanwhile, until a person learns to say "no", he is forced to live with other people's worries and problems. Sometimes there is no time or energy left to implement their own plans. Yes, and others are so accustomed to reliability that they begin to shamelessly use it.
Psychologists believe that the basis of the inability to say "no" is a deep self-doubt.
At psychotherapy sessions, it turns out that a trouble-free person as a child was not taught by his parents to be aware of his needs and interests and defend them.
For example: “Give the toy to your younger sister, you see, she is crying!”, “Don’t be selfish, share your candy.” If only parents understood the harm they cause to the baby with such attitudes ...
To learn how to say “no”, you need to understand and accept the fact that you are being played with unconsciously or consciously to please yourself, putting pressure on your weak spots and forcing you to do something.
First, decide how important it will be for you to fulfill someone's request. And this is not about selfishness at all, but about your priorities. It's one thing when a friend asks to babysit a sick child while she goes to get medicine. It is a completely different matter if a tipsy and at the same time unfamiliar person asks you to “drive” for beer. In the first case, you understand that you are doing a good deed. Moreover, you yourself can then be in the role of a friend. In the second case, your consent will not bring you absolutely no benefit. Yes and good deed you won't call it.
Feel free to refuse. No need to waste your time on fulfilling requests that are completely optional for you. Otherwise, your kindness can be used for their own purposes (infinitely borrowing and promising to give money back, for example).
How to say "No":
If you begin to suspect that they are trying to control you, and you no longer have the desire to seem good, but you still can’t pronounce the word “no”, try to make this task easier for yourself with a simple trick:
Repel the attacks of the manipulator in his own ways. If you are pressed for pity by talking about your illnesses, remember yours; if friendship is remembered, tell the person that, as a true friend, he himself can refuse his request. After such a “counteroffensive”, the true manipulator will get irritated, angry, offended, and become aggressive. It will be much easier for such a person to refuse. But if you see that a person really needs you, help him.
How to say "no" at work:
Work situations can be different. And if you see that your help to a colleague is really needed, then you should not refuse, because you, too, may one day need it. But it is important to remember that there are people who, once using your service, can take it for granted and start simply using your kindness. Therefore, you do not need to strive to please everyone and always.
Ways to help you say “No” at work:
- So that your refusal is not rude or offensive, just say that you have a great desire to help, but, unfortunately, there is no time. After all, you need to have time to complete your workload.
- When you refuse, never apologize, but try to look confident and dignified. If colleagues hear from you every time you apologize for something that you cannot do, then they will begin to treat you as a person with low self-esteem.
- Before refusing, analyze the situation, justify your refusal, first of all, for yourself. But do not dump a bunch of arguments on your colleagues.
Just learn to be a polite, courteous, but firm person. This will cause much more respect than your reliability.
How to say "no" to your boss
As soon as you get a job, make it clear right away that you are not ready to do additional work, except for force majeure. Assure your boss that you are ready to help in case of a crisis, but emphasize that extra functionality will reduce the speed and quality of your main work.
If you fell into the category of trouble-free hard workers, look around: are all your colleagues late after work, or the director chose you as a workhorse, as a weak link. In the first case, make a choice - to join the workers, and maybe leave the company, where irregular work is welcomed. In the second case, analyze why you were the victim. Most likely, you show excessive zeal, are afraid to show yourself as a disloyal employee.
Do some inner work and answer honestly - is it fear, a victim complex, or simply the inability to say “no”.
Ways to help say “No” to management:
- When refusing management, you should definitely argue your answer. Think ahead of the arguments, evidence. Only your personal problems should not act as arguments. Remind your boss that you are already doing a lot of work, and the extra workload can negatively affect the result of what you are already doing. Such a position will not only not bring you any harm and damage on the part of the employer, but, on the contrary, will characterize you as a responsible and purposeful person.
- Practice speaking in a calm, persuasive voice at home. Say "no" several times, clearly and confidently. Practice until this difficult word becomes familiar to you.
- Offer the manager other candidates who, in your opinion, will be able to cope with the task as well as you.
- If it is possible not to give a clear answer right away, then take a break, say that you cannot promise anything, but think about it. It is possible that your help will no longer be required, and this will protect you from having to refuse.
- Observe other colleagues, how they know how to properly protect their functions and put the authorities in their place. Alternatively, you can learn from their experience.
- Do not be afraid to ask your manager which task is a priority: what is assigned to you unscheduled, or the main one. Get ready for different options reactions - so you will feel more confident, you will not be taken by surprise.
- Don't make excuses, you don't have to do work that isn't part of your job. Learn to refuse your boss unreasonable demands, love yourself, value your and other people's time.
Several opt-out options:
Method one: the optimal phrase.
At any request from the boss, instead of the usual excuses, you should say the phrase: “This is not included in the circle of my direct official duties". Most likely, the boss will not be able to object to you.
Method two: additional payment.
When the boss, in addition to your main job, offers to complete a project, and in the shortest possible time, you should use the wording: “Payment for work after hours in Russia is provided for by law. Are you willing to pay?"
Method three: substitution.
If the determination to say a firm “No” is not enough, use the principle of substitution. For example: “I will do this project, but then I will be able to submit the quarterly report not on the 1st, but only on the 15th.”
Many of us find it difficult to refuse other people's constant requests. Even if the satisfaction of these requests does not serve our interests, creates the benefit of some other person and encourages other people's shortcomings and weaknesses. In this article I will tell how to learn to say no in response to all sorts of absurd requests towards us.
It happens that the boss asks to stay at work for several hours without pay for overtime. Or the wife demands to buy her the tenth pair of shoes, which, in her opinion, is urgent need. A friend has already asked again and again if it is possible to borrow money, although he has not yet paid off his previous debts.
Why is it hard to say no?
We can understand that these requests are unfair, and it would be right to refuse them. But why can't we always do it and agree? Because of fear. Fear of deceiving someone's expectations or ruining relationships. What if your boss treats you worse? What if the wife gets offended? What if our friend doesn't call us again? All these situations I will sequentially analyze in the examples below. Based on these examples, I will explain why it is sometimes necessary to refuse people.
These examples do not cover all possible life situations, but they demonstrate the right train of thought when you are faced with something similar and it is difficult for you to say no. Please read all these examples, even if you yourself do not meet in life what is discussed in them. From the examples I will deduce general principles to help you say no.
To get rid of fears, you need to realize that they, in fact, do not have a solid foundation. The fear of hurting someone or hurting your relationship, which drives your reluctance to say no, doesn't always lead to you improving your social connections. At first glance, it seems that if you never refuse anyone, people treat you better. This is far from true.
What happens when we say yes
Let's first think about what happens when we say yes.
Yes Example #1
If you constantly agree, you cannot refuse your boss when he dumps additional, extra work on you, then your boss will not treat you better as an independent person. It won't help you earn someone's respect. The leader will understand that you easily agree to everything and can use this to their advantage, exploiting you as a free labor worker.
Maybe you will be awarded the “honorary” title of “employee of the year”, but there will be no question of any respect. You will be better treated only as a diligent worker, on whom you can push everything, and he will only be happy.
Imagine a person who will agree with you in everything, satisfy any of your requests, like a real lackey. Whatever you say, he will answer “Yes!”, “Yes!” and humbly nod your head. Will you respect and love such a person? You may like his humility and pliability, but such a person will not arouse respect in you.
Now, think about your friends and loved ones. Surely many of them do not behave like lackeys: they may not agree with your opinion, and refuse you some stupid request of yours. Does this take away your respect for these people? Not! Vice versa! Independence has always attracted people.
Respect is caused by those people who know how to defend their interests, demonstrate firmness and independence. Excessive softness and inability to refuse anything give rise to some other feelings, but not respect or sincere sympathy.
Hardness does not exclude the possibility of compromise. All people somewhere have to sacrifice their interests and accept what they do not want to accept. But independent natures do not strive at all costs to satisfy any other request. They think about themselves, about their interests and about the interests of their family and do not turn their lives into serving other people's goals.
Yes Example #2
Imagine that your wife or girlfriend once again provokes you to waste money. If you are used to constantly indulging her in this desire, then this will not lead to anything good. A short gratitude associated with the euphoria of a new purchase after some time will be replaced by a desire to buy more. Each new purchase only irritates the desire to have more and more things. It's just a weakness, a whim and an addiction.
When you encourage these weaknesses and shortcomings, they gain new strength. Addiction and desire only intensify. It's like spoiling a child. A brief burst of gratitude from your wife for a new purchase has nothing to do with the love and respect that you are subconsciously afraid of losing by depriving her of this purchase.
Does an addict have respect for his dealer for the fact that he regularly supplies him with a dose? Not! I am sure that many spoiled ladies (or even husbands) perceive their spouses as dealers in the pleasure that comes from shopping.
Your friend once again asks for a loan. He promises to return, although he has not yet repaid his past debts. Of course, there are many different situations. Perhaps financial support is really needed, and you should try to help, even if you do not hope to see this money again ...
But it happens that a person himself can get finances and he simply brazenly uses your kindness.
What Happens When We Answer No
If we always say yes, then we encourage other people's shortcomings and provoke their development.
But now let's think about what will happen if what we are most afraid of happens, namely, we say "no!".
No Example #1
Suppose you decide not to take extra work and not stay in the office until late. So they said: “My working day is over, no, I won’t be able to sit here for another 3 hours.” Of course, if you have taught your management that you like to work for free, then such an answer may come as a complete surprise to someone. Staying late and sitting late at work is not normal, but when everyone is used to the fact that you are late, it becomes the norm in the eyes of other people.
Therefore, someone may be dumbfounded by your refusal of additional work, if you have previously refused it. It is best to immediately voice your attitude to free processing at a new workplace, then you will not accustom anyone to the fact that you work late. If you immediately refuse, it will be much better than if you do it later.
You will show firmness, and employees will respect you more. Your boss will immediately think: “You can’t ride this man.” You are unlikely to be fired: you have a legal right to a normal working day. If they do, it means that the company you were hired for is bad, as it tramples on legal human rights and exploits its employees. Moreover, you do not need to work in such a company.
If you have been working for a long time, and everyone is used to your overtime, then it is better to prepare your bosses to refuse overtime work so that this does not come as a big surprise. You will not spoil the relationship, you will simply demonstrate the desire to defend your legal rights. There is nothing wrong. If the company does not understand this desire, then this is their problem, not yours. Look for a job that is not exploited free labor their employees.
By saying no, you will return home on time and spend more time with your family.
No Example #2
What will happen if you don’t buy your wife another “gift” that she asks so much? Let's think. There may be resentment from your passion. But resentment is a consequence of the fact that a person suddenly did not get what he wanted. If someone is offended by you, then this does not mean that you acted badly, it means that you did not live up to someone's expectations. And the other person's expectations of you may be too high and unreasonable. In this case, other people's expectations are other people's problems. You do not have to be responsible for them.
Resentment in this case has nothing to do with the loss of respect or love.
If you say no, you demonstrate character and will. These qualities deserve respect in contrast to spinelessness.
I do not preach greed towards others. Moreover, I believe that generosity is a manifestation of altruism and the moral strength of a person, while greed is a symptom of selfishness and weakness.
But if you notice that you are just being used to satisfy your own desires, and the endless requests for you have exceeded all boundaries of reason, then it's time to think about saying no.
Saying “no” will help you assert your independence and the right not to be a puppet in the hands of others. If you refuse, then nothing bad will happen. The resentment will pass, and the experience learned from this situation may teach your passion to better restrain its consumer impulses. Plus, you'll save money.
Unfortunately, it is possible that refusing to make a purchase will provoke a scandal. But will you sacrifice your own decision-making power just for fear of scandal? Maybe you're afraid of being abandoned? But is loving person can part with you because of some expensive trinket? I do not think so. And if this did happen, it means that this person did not deserve to be with you.
No Example #3
You told your friend that you could not lend him money. He comes with this request to you for the umpteenth time and each time he promises to return everything, but he does not fulfill his promises. It is clear that he is using you. Therefore, you decided to refuse or not lend money until he pays off past debts.
If your friend is a reasonable person, he will understand everything perfectly. If he sincerely believes that everyone must give him money, then these are his problems. If you do not live up to this expectation, then you should not be responsible for it. It's all about high expectations your friend in relation to you, not in yourself!
Most likely, after your refusal, your friend will not soon turn to you with such requests. Again, your "no" will not have the dire consequences you were so afraid of.
Think, “what will it cost me?”
If you find it difficult to answer "no", then instead of giving in to the fear of being misunderstood, calmly think about what will happen if you say "yes" and what will happen if you say "no". Will your fears come true when you refuse someone?
But what if the person who asks something from you is not guided by such low impulses? Then it's not so easy to say no. What if your grandfather, who lives far away, asks you to visit him every weekend, and it's hard for you to do this for a number of reasons? Or your friend wants to borrow money from you, but he does it for the first time, and it is known that he repays his debts. Truth we are talking about a large sum, having lost it even for a while, you will begin to have difficulties.
In such situations, you need to think about others, but do not forget about your interests. If you are thinking about agreeing, then try to speculate about how much it will cost you to agree.
If you visit your elderly relative every weekend, then you will spend less time with your children. Perhaps you don't have much free time. It is clear that grandfather is more pleased to see us as often as possible, but you can never please everyone and at the same time not run their own business.
If you give a friend money, you will solve some of his problems, but at the same time, you will not be able to pay off your bills, as you will have less money left.
Of course, we want to help other people, but at the same time we must not forget about ourselves. In both of these situations, it's better to think of a compromise than a definitive "no" or a definitive "yes." Here you will need to show delicacy and a wise life approach.
You can talk to your grandfather and explain to him that it is hard for you to come once a week and you will visit him once a month. You can lend a smaller amount to a friend by saying that you do not have much money now. And with the search for the rest of the amount you will help him: contact your friends.
Always think about what the next “yes” will cost you.. If this is too expensive for you, then look for another way out in this situation, in addition to consent. Your life experience and social skills will help you with this.
Don't underestimate other people
No need to think that every person will hold a grudge against you when you cannot satisfy his desires. Reasonable people can understand what your consent can cost you. These people respect your interests.
For example, when I invite one of my friends to meet, they can answer me: “of course I can, but I’m uncomfortable today, I would like to stay at home ...” I answer this: “everything is fine, no problems, no, no, I’m all I understand, you don’t have to explain anything to me.”
Of course, I wanted to meet a person, but what if he does not have the opportunity to do this? I respect his wishes and interests and therefore I will not be offended.
In reverse situations, when I have to deny my friends something, I immediately put myself in their place. I know that they are reasonable people and they understand me and my desires and, therefore, will not be offended by me.
Unfortunately, not everyone can always show understanding in relation to another. We are all selfish, to one degree or another. There is no need to encourage this quality in others, rushing to satisfy other people's egoistic requests. If some people do not respect your wishes, then why should you agree to their requests?
And remember:
You can't please everyone!
It's impossible to please everyone! You can never refuse anything to anyone and at the same time maintain your independence and your interests. It is difficult to justify all the expectations of others: there will always be someone who will be dissatisfied with you, at least in something. And that's okay. Your father wants you to be an engineer like him, and you only see yourself as a freelance entrepreneur. Your husband wants you to cook for him every day, even though you spend as much time at work as he does. Your children expect you to buy them new toys every day, but this is not possible.
You have your own life that you live, your views on this life and your own freedom. You live for yourself, not to live up to other people's expectations. You are not obliged until the end of your years to please the egoism of your own father, husband, wife, boss or state, ignoring your own goals and desires. If someone can't forgive you for becoming a doctor instead of a pilot, then that's their problem, not yours.
These are problems of other people's prejudices, selfishness, and expectations. It is not your fault that the other person cannot become more flexible and understand you. No need to always be responsible for other people's cockroaches, for other people's beliefs!
The fear of saying no is the fear of not meeting someone's expectations. This does not always mean that you are afraid to say “no” to someone's request. This may mean that you are afraid to deceive someone's plans, someone's interests, even if no one directly asks you for anything.
For example, your friends tell you that you don't spend enough time with them. But you have other things to do, you think it's right to devote more time to family than to friends.
If you think something is right, then do it without looking back at others. Try to explain to your friends how busy you are with your family. If they don't understand, so be it. No need to lament because of this, try to convince friends, insisting that you are right. Live as you lived. You can't always be right in front of everyone.
If people don't want to understand you, then there's nothing you can do about it. Such is life, in it you need to choose whether you live for yourself or strive to meet other people's expectations. Compromise is possible, but not always. Therefore, have the courage to put up with someone else's offense, someone else's misunderstanding, if you want to live your life. It will always be, and there is no getting away from it.
The ability to refuse people is not a sign of selfishness, but a very necessary skill. Those who do not know how, unfortunately, live someone else's life. And it's good that you are always ready to help relatives, friends, neighbors, colleagues, but only if it does not harm you.
Why are we afraid to say the word "no"
Before you figure out how to learn how to refuse people and say no, you need to understand why we are so afraid to say this simple word.Notice how young children, especially at the age of three, say the word "no" freely and simply. The point is in age characteristics, and in the fact that the kids learned what such a word is. But the bottom line is that kids know they're beautiful and understand that it's okay to say no.
Where does this skill go later?
Disappears with education. Parents, educators, teachers - they all force you to do what you don’t want and the child already believes that this is the norm: eat nasty semolina, solve hateful equations or write boring essays on the topic of a boring book ... It’s impossible without this, but it’s good if they force it to do with the help of kind words or without suppressing the will.Most often, a child who doesn’t want to do something is told how bad, lazy, selfish, ungrateful he is: “Here’s a loafer, everyone solves problems, but he doesn’t want to!”, “Ungrateful beast, mother killed herself, cooked oatmeal, but he doesn't eat. Let's quickly put a spoon in your hands! ”... From such people grow up trouble-free and incapable of sacrificing other people's interests for their own.
And there are just kind people who feel sorry for everyone, but the result is the same. Another reason for fear is fear itself: losing friends, the location of colleagues, new opportunities, fear of being judged ... But here it is important to understand that if you do not refuse, then the attitude towards you will not get better: relatives and colleagues will not treat you better. a person who is considered a weak-willed slob, and help will be taken for granted.
In addition, sometimes it seems to us that colleagues or relatives cannot do without your help. This is not entirely true, because if you leave for a long time, they themselves will cope with work, and with children, and with repairs, which means they are independent. There is simply a category of people who like to shift their worries onto someone else.
And then there are the manipulators. It is they who put pressure on your guilt and inner “I am bad”, convince you of inferiority and thus force you to go on about it. There is another category of manipulators - those who put pressure on pity. Of course, we are all compassionate, but if a person is to blame for his own troubles, consider whether it is worth helping him. So, if a colleague has been talking with a girl on a dating site all day, and then asks to complete the task for him, perhaps this is not worth doing. It is important to understand here that there is nothing wrong with the word “no” and nothing will change if you refuse someone. More precisely, a refusal may seem rude if you refused rudely and ugly. And if you do it politely - why not?
Practice
Before you learn to refuse people, you need to cope with your fears. It's about the same as an exam at school or too hard work: it's scary, but you do it.
- Tip 1. We motivate our refusal. This is the simplest and most sincere way: we say no and explain why. If the reason seems stupid or insignificant to you, you do not need to come up with another one. If you are asked out on a date by a guy or girl that you don't like, the easiest way is to say directly that you perceive this good man as a friend and not give hope. If it seems to you that the reason is stupid, this is no longer your problem. You can't babysit your friend's kids because you've been working all day and just want to sleep? This is your normal desire, do not cultivate guilt in yourself and do not look for excuses. The main thing is to say everything politely. This method is good because sincerity in people is always appreciated.
- Tip 2: Offer Compromises. If you work on a weekend and a friend asks for help moving, you can safely offer help only for a few hours or come tomorrow and finish everything that was not completed by a friend. If they ask you to borrow money, and you don't have much of it yourself, you can borrow some of it. Compromises occur on your terms, and they also say that you are not indifferent to this request.
- Tip 3: Suggest Asking for Help Later
This is true in the event that an annoying seller or promoter has stuck to you. It seems to be a pity for a person, but money for a not very necessary thing is no less a pity. It is enough to thank the seller, to say that you do not need this thing yet, but if you suddenly need it, you will know where to go. Doing it or not is your decision;
This method is not suitable when problems are being resolved at work or with personal life: for example, you refuse a job to a candidate who is not suitable, or you refuse a date. It is not even necessary to reassure here; - Tip 4: Be Humble. This quality can be your advantage if you don’t want to take on a lot of responsibility, it’s better to say directly that you are not ready and do not have such a baggage of skills and knowledge that will help you do such work, so you are not the best candidate for this work. This is a good option if a colleague asks you to do their work for them. It is important here not to go too far and not to cultivate a sense of insecurity in yourself.
- Tip 5. It is better to immediately refuse problematic and dangerous requests
Useful phrases
The refusal should be polite, so it is better not to be rude to the manipulator, but to gently explain to him that you cannot fulfill his request.
Important to know: If a situation arises in which a refusal would endanger your health or life is better immediately seek help: friends, police, family. If a person is dangerous, you need to ask for help urgently, but while waiting for help, do not lose your sanity.
The word "no" is incredibly easy to pronounce, yet many people find it hard to say despite the fact that others use it quite often and nonchalantly about them. Many are not able to answer a person with a refusal. There are people who, not wanting to offend another, categorically refuse to say “no”, expecting some negative consequences in case of refusal.
There are many reasons why they cannot protect against manipulation and say that simple word. As a result of constant continuous violence against oneself, a person earns stress. It makes no sense to bring your psyche to such an extreme. A polite refusal can make your life a lot easier.
In this article, we will try to carefully understand why it is sometimes so difficult to say “no” and learn how to learn to refuse people.
Why is it so hard to say "no"
Many people agree in cases where they would gladly say no. Why is this happening? In fact, saying “yes” is much easier, because such an answer, despite internal violence against oneself, is more comfortable for many. When a person agrees to any request, in most cases he can count on gratitude and a positive attitude towards himself. When you say “yes” to your boss, work colleague, or unknown passerby on the street, you have every chance to feel affection and sympathy for yourself.
Refusal is inextricably linked with the need to argue one’s “no”, thereby heating up the situation between people. When you say no, you may feel 100% that you did the right thing, but still have some inner discomfort because you feel like you weren't responsive enough. You may even feel guilty about not helping the person.
Low self-esteem can also cause people to be unable to say no. This quality is formed in childhood. If the parents loved the child just for who he is, then he will not have problems with self-esteem. Such people are able to say “no” absolutely independently of someone else's opinion without any feeling of guilt. A person does not even think about making excuses to someone. He just says "no" just because it would be best for him.
If a person is overly educated, then he has a risk of becoming a trouble-free person. The fear of appearing ill-bred becomes the reason that a person simply cannot imagine how to politely refuse. To get rid of such a complex, it is enough to understand one simple truth: the word “no” in no way violates the norms of decency, and in some situations even strengthens them.
Another reason why people can't refuse is because they don't understand the significance of refusal.
Why is it important to learn how to say "no"?
When you politely refuse a person, you can save yourself wasted hours, days, or even months of your personal time. This way you won't fall into the so-called promise trap.
A trouble-free person initially remains in a disadvantageous position for himself. Such a person will be constantly used by everyone in their interests, and the person himself will neglect his own. The importance of mutual assistance cannot be denied, since it is an important component of normal relations between people. But, constantly fulfilling someone's requests, while ignoring their personal interests, a person acquires a reputation as a spineless personality that can be used without a twinge of conscience.
The desire to learn to say "no" will instantly stop any manipulation from those around you. In addition, failing to refuse any request, we run the risk of letting down the person who turned to us for help, because the lack of time, desire and strength to do something will lead to inefficient completion of the task. In the case when you are unable to cope with a problem, it is best to refuse immediately than to force a person to place certain hopes on you. Remember that by constantly responding positively to any requests, you run the risk of completely losing touch with your own "I", not realizing what you yourself really want.
When will you realize how to say no to a person, you will gain considerable respect in your social circles. When you say "no", it does not mean at all that you become unnecessary for people. There are many different options for how to confirm your indispensability and uniqueness.
Successful people know the simple recipe for success. To do this, you need to do only what causes admiration and enthusiasm. In order to weed out uninteresting and useless tasks, you just need to learn how to say “no”.
To achieve unprecedented career growth and to learn how to manage your life, you must be able to firmly and impartially refuse when your heart tells you, and agree where your intuition says “this is really what you need!
Learning to Say No - How to Learn to Say No
The main mistake of people who do not know how to say "no", lies in the fact that they do not realize that any person can enter into their position in the same way that they can do it. However, if you see any signs of aggression as a reaction to your refusal, you should definitely consider whether it makes sense to contact someone who completely ignores your interests.
Don't let people slow you down on your way to goal. If any request seems insignificant compared to your plans, then you should definitely answer with a 100% refusal. You should not simplify the life of another person to the detriment of your own happiness. Remember that you have your own life, work, interests, leisure and hobbies.
In order to understand how to refuse correctly, you need to clearly identify your life priorities. For example, in the first place you put the peace and well-being of your family, in the second - your career, and in the third - hobbies and hobbies. Don't forget these things when you're hesitating between yes and no.
If an expression that says that even a dead fish can easily go with the flow, but only one that has a backbone will go against it. If you are not a spineless creature, show strength of character and determination when it is necessary to refuse, and remember that you have the right to refuse in any case when the request is contrary to your interests.
You need to grope and strengthen your resolve. Before making a decision, be sure to think about the motives of this or that person, decide whether his request really plays into your hands. Make a decision in your head about the refusal and confidently express it to the interlocutor.
When you say "no", be sure to use the pronoun "I". Briefly justify your refusal so that the person understands why they came across your “no”. You should not mumble and show any signs of insecurity, as such behavior will either lead to conflict situation, or they will still take advantage of your vulnerable position, and you will again say an unwanted “yes”. Refuse as firmly and concisely as possible so that the interlocutor does not have a desire to persuade you.
Remember that your posture and intonation should speak of your confidence. It is very important.
Some psychologists advise you to record in a special notebook those moments when you failed to answer “no”. It is necessary to assess in what situations and with what people this happened more often. It is necessary to describe the feelings you experience at such moments, and also to think about how you should have behaved in this or that situation.
How to say no to someone - how to say no
In cases where you know for sure that you will refuse a person, you should not interrupt him. Give him the opportunity to fully express himself. Refusal should not look like a spit on his interests from a high mountain. In order to show the absence of indifference towards the asker, you can show the person any alternative ways out of the situation. It must be understood that very often we have to refuse proposals or requests to which, under other circumstances or at another time, we would have agreed. Therefore, do not forget to offer various options for solving certain problems.
It is good when the refusal must be in writing, even if the communication takes place in real time. You always have time to think about your "no". If you are contacting a person verbally, never respond immediately, arguing that you need to think. This wording will simultaneously prepare the person for a possible rejection and give you the opportunity to buy some time to justify your “no”.
When you finally decide to say no, think through everything you plan to say. You are unlikely to refuse something very pleasant, so your emotions can be very diverse.
It should be borne in mind that your refusal will in most cases be followed by another attempt to convince you. Listen to your partner without interrupting. Voice your refusal again, if necessary - several times. This technique is called "broken record". Form clear, understandable arguments.
In order to make your refusal a little softer, you can use the so-called “Refuse with understanding” technique. Let the interlocutor know that you sympathize with their problem, and convince them that there is nothing you can do to help at the moment. It will not be superfluous to add how important it is for you to trust a person in you.
Summing up all of the above, we note that no matter how you try to manipulate, you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. Often, a firm “no” without unnecessary ranting is enough for no one else to ever think of using you for their own purposes.
You should also not go to extremes, refusing any requests. Remember that the decision to fulfill this or that request should be your own, and not the product of the manipulation of another person.
If you find an error, please highlight a piece of text and click Ctrl+Enter.