How to stop depending on a guy. How to get rid of love addiction on your own? Which women become emotionally dependent on a man?
Emotional addiction is a type of psychological dependence in which strong or polar emotions are experienced upon contact with the object of passion. Emotional dependence on a person is a kind of dependence that pushes into the background the life, interests and affairs of the person himself, leaving only relationships and the object of dependence. There is a merging and loss of self, the need for vivid emotions increases (as with chemical addiction, the required dose of the substance increases).
Emotions do not necessarily have to have a positive direction (more often this happens only in the initial stages of a relationship, and then they are replaced by fear, jealousy, resentment, anger), but they must be very strong or have the character of a sharp contrasting difference.
The opposite pole of emotional dependence is counter-dependence, into which a person plunges after experiencing the experience of dissolution in another. This is a state of denial of the importance of relationships and attachment, when merging is frightening, people keep a distance from others and close relationships, avoiding attachment and responsibility.
Emotional dependence in relationships
Emotional dependence is officially recognized as a disease, and there are also established facts that 98 percent of people tend to create dependent (in varying degrees manifestations) relationships. In a relationship, there can be emotional dependence on a woman, on a man, on parents, on a friend (anyone with whom there is significant emotional contact).
The causes of emotional dependence find their roots in deep childhood and are associated with the psychological trauma of being ignored, rejected, or another type of connection with a parent in which emotional contact was grossly violated or absent. From this inherent rejection, two types of dependent behavior are formed - either avoidance of excessive closeness and openness or the desire for maximum closeness with the dissolution of one’s own personality in favor of the interests of the partner.
Children growing up with problems with emotional dependence are most often raised in dysfunctional families, where direct discussion of conflict or controversial situations was impossible, and more often than not, all participants in the process pretended that there was no problem. Some traits of codependency are introduced into a person by society and religion, which cultivate the idea that you need to be comfortable, obedient, correct, and then you will be loved and protected.
For such people, perceiving the reality of the manifestation of close relationships instead of their fantasy can be unbearably painful, and, nevertheless, they will subconsciously choose from all the people they meet as partners those who are also inclined to build codependent relationships, so that when they re-experience the trauma, they will try heal her. In addition to the emotional causes of codependency, there are those that can activate codependent behavior. This is living for more than six months with a person who has some type of addiction (alcohol, gaming, drug addiction); It is believed that this is exactly the amount of time it takes to master codependent behaviors, which, one way or another, turn on when living with an addict.
In a codependent relationship, there is a predetermined scenario in which roles are pre-assigned. These may include the roles of abuser and victim, active and interested in the relationship, and jaded and avoiding contact. In any of the options, there are a large number of feelings that are suppressed (guilt, the need for separation or affection).
When solving problems of emotional dependence in a couple or family relationships, it happens that people find themselves in emptiness and understand that they were not connected by anything other than dependence or fall into its extreme - counter-dependence. But those who have worked through their internal problems, undergone actual therapy, and not just ended a difficult relationship, have the opportunity to see the other person, not their own about him, and build a truly strong connection.
Distinctive signs of emotional dependence on a healthy relationship can be considered excessive feelings, the desire to spend all the time only together, or when the partner is distant, preoccupation with the problems and interests of the other, the absence of one’s own plans for the future, the inability to take a realistic look at the partner’s shortcomings. One’s own life preferences, momentary desires are not realized, there is a tendency to sacrifice oneself, one’s comfort, health for the sake of one’s partner, there is a lack of will and a lack of energy and the ability to be responsible for the events of one’s life and the actions committed in it.
Emotional Features of Addiction
This should include the understanding that you cannot live without a person, that happiness or normal emotional well-being is possible for you only when he is nearby, and all life comes down to waiting for these moments, despite the fact that being together leads to frequent , there is no independent possibility break off the relationship.
Signs of emotional dependence in a relationship- this is a decrease in the importance of all other areas of life, an increase when the thought of a possible separation appears, since loneliness is frightening, there is a desire to always be together. The feeling of losing yourself is typical; it’s hard to remember your hobbies and interests, without looking at your partner. Relationships are accompanied by suffering from the partner’s behavior (lack of attention, betrayal, rude treatment), but constant patience with such actions, which gives rise to emotional swings and frequent mood swings. This is relevant and applicable to a person who has accumulated problems in life, and if all of the above is about you, but you are quite adaptive, successful and socialized in life, then this is not a violation of the norm, but simply represents your unique way of life.
Situations that increase vulnerability to emotional dependence: crisis moments in life, transition periods (new job, place of residence), being far from the usual world, critical load (physical or psycho-emotional).
If a person is emotionally dependent, then he transfers responsibility for his happiness, self-awareness and life to the department and disposal of another, and often this extends not to one person (although neighbors, for example, spouses, get the most), but to the entire environment. It is precisely thanks to the diffuse distribution of responsibility among all available people that it is ultimately impossible to take it for yourself. It's a fine line between a healthy relationship with an element of codependency and codependency. You can tell if you are addicted by analyzing how much your emotions depend on your partner’s actions, how long the change in mood lasts, and whether you are looking for the meaning of life in him, someone who will provide you with security and salvation from loneliness.
Full and healthy relationships contribute to the stability and development of a person, do not contradict his freedom and inner beliefs, and are based on respect and mutual trust. While dependent relationships are built on the suppression of the will, desires and free personal manifestation of one of the participants in the interaction, there is a division into the main and not the main thing in interaction and decision-making, and are accompanied by feelings of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty.
Due to excessive tension, which is an invariable companion of dependent relationships, psychosomatic diseases develop (related to the skin and gastrointestinal tract, due to frequent outbursts of anger and jealousy), diseases of the neurological spectrum appear, and possible.
In a situation of healthy love, on the contrary, there is an increase in immunity, a surge of strength and vigor, and a person’s life is harmonized. New acquaintances appear, things improve at work, and there is a characteristic feeling of freedom and ease of what is happening.
When breaking up, emotionally dependent people can become seriously ill, fall into depression, resort to self-harm, or commit suicide. This is due to the atrophied ability to independently cope with super-strong emotions caused by the loss of a significant relationship or person (which for an emotionally dependent person in this situation is equivalent to loss). It is out of fear of disappearing along with the object of passion that they can strive to control their partner, check his pockets, calls and correspondence, blackmail, demand constant presence, reports, observance of rituals, confirmation of their significance.
Emotional dependence on a man is characteristic of a certain type of woman who is able to easily fall in love, ignoring a person’s shortcomings, focusing on his real or fictitious and attributed merits. It is typical for such a woman to put love experiences first. Thoughts and resulting emotions about relationships swirl in her energy field, even if she is not currently in a relationship, she can fantasize about new meeting or the return of a former lover (it is a large number of such fantasies that prevent her from seeing reality).
Because of the fear of losing the relationship, an emotionally dependent woman will constantly call, intrude, and suffocate with her attention and care. Men have two options for responding to such behavior - to quickly retreat or to use servile behavior for their own purposes. In any case, such relationships do not contribute to development and do not have a chance to last; a very painful breakup occurs for the woman, after which she again begins to feel a terrible inner emptiness, which she strives to fill with someone else.
The reasons for the emergence of such vicious circles are difficulties in establishing personal boundaries and the ability to realistically assess the surrounding reality. This also includes experiences of traumatic situations of violence, which give rise to the simultaneous experience of polar feelings towards a man.
This description was just an example, since emotional dependence on a woman occurs with the same frequency. The reasons for the emergence of emotional dependence on a woman are the same, the only difference is in the ways of manifestation. Thus, men are more likely to have outbursts of jealousy combined with anger, the use of physical force when they feel helpless in the face of a flurry of emotions, and substitution with other types of addiction (alcohol, drugs, speeding, gambling).
How to get rid of emotional dependence?
If you have noticed in your biography the causes of emotional dependence and at the moment your emotional state is characterized by many anxious feelings, for example due to a pause in a relationship, then you should learn to cope with overwhelming emotions on your own.
To do this, you should shift the vector of your attention from your partner to your own life, and also relieve him of responsibility for your future. It is important to be “here and now”, without inventing what a person can do now, without interpreting and without scrolling through all the million options in his head. Stop thoughts about possible futures and bring your attention and focused energy back to the present moment, a great way to do this is to go into the body. Track the feelings that arise and experience them. If you feel an emotion is concentrated in a certain area of the body, then release it through movement; if you have accumulated a lot of words, write a letter to your partner (no need to send it, these feelings are from your early trauma).
Show yourself every moment care and love, because the main cause of emotional dependence is a lack of love and an attempt to fill this emptiness with the help of another. Feel your desires and bring yourself joy - it could be a cup of coffee, a run, a conversation with a friend, shopping, creativity, whatever makes you happy. After the emotions have leveled out and calmed down, you have looked at the situation that caused the storm of emotions from a different angle and analyzed it, you can choose (really consciously choose, and not succumb to affect) how to act further or choose a wait-and-see attitude. Before you take actions (calls, showdowns, scandal), think about the consequences of such actions for the relationship, because your behavior shapes the scenario of the relationship and whether this type of interaction suits you.
Treatment of emotional dependence is carried out by a psychotherapist. Sign up for psychotherapy, where you will have the opportunity to work through previously received traumas, your feelings and gain access to the simultaneous experience of polar states, instead of suppressing one of the emotions that have arisen. It is worth working with boundaries and responsibility, in the process accepting your own and giving people their responsibility.
With your internal change Your relationship, its dynamics and content will change, your partner’s behavior will change. Often there is stabilization and improvement of relationships with others, and not just with the partner. When emotional dependence on a man has turned into confidence, then someone new and more worthy often appears on the horizon, or the former partner stops avoiding meetings, but, on the contrary, begins to look for reasons for contact.
How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man?
Getting rid of emotional dependence does not mean leaving a traumatic relationship with minimal losses, but gaining the ability not to enter into such relationships, the ability to build your own personal boundaries and establish healthy relationships in the future.
An important step is to take on your own share of responsibility and replenish energy lost due to stress. It is worth stopping wearing the mask of an ideal that will endure any pain and overcome any adversity with a smile, and begin to recognize your needs, take care of yourself, fill your life with happiness, strength and meaning on your own and in any situation, and not expect this from others as an integral part. obligations.
How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man? To get on the path to change, determine whether you want to overcome addiction in an existing relationship or in another. Determine what price you will pay, what you will sacrifice if you do not change anything in yourself and relationships and remain dependent, as well as what prospects liberation brings. You can write down these points in a notebook, and deliverance does not necessarily have to contain only positive aspects. There will definitely be a lot of responsibility, fear of facing yourself, and possible loss of current relationships.
Spend more time on bodily practices breathing exercises- this makes it possible to feel the boundary between your body and environment, which will help in establishing psychological boundaries. Take responsibility for yourself and entrust his decisions to someone else - believe me, this is quite enough. Calculate your strengths and respect the other person's choices. Attempts at complete control will not protect your relationship, but will only lead to the desire to hide what is happening more and more carefully in order to leave yourself at least a piece of free breathing.
You can voice what you want. Any person has the right to fulfill your request or refuse; in any of the options, you, and not he, bear full responsibility for your emotional state and satisfaction of necessary needs.
Love is great feeling, changing the world and people for the better.
But sometimes this feeling becomes dependence on your lover, obsession, which interferes with life not only to the lover himself, but also to the people around him.
In this case, you need to recognize the problem and think about how to get rid of love addiction.
How to make a guy jealous? Find out about this from ours.
Concept
What is love addiction? Love addiction - strong passion for a person, obsession with him.
At the same time, the lover himself often loses some features of his individuality, completely adapting to his partner.
Such a person is able to think and talk only about the subject of his passion.
A similar obsession. This is another type of codependency such as smoking, drug abuse, alcohol abuse.
Love or addiction? Psychology of relationships:
Psychology of addiction
In psychology, such dependence is called love addiction(obsessive need for a certain activity) - a painful expression of the object’s love for another person.
Often people with low self-esteem, with an incorrect perception of themselves, those who were subjected to psychological abuse in childhood or lost their parents at an early age fall under such dependence.
Patients do not notice personal boundaries and often overstep beyond what is permitted.
Love addiction is characterized by a painful attachment to the object of feelings. At the same time, the person himself feels constant and nervous even when he is close to his lover.
This is what distinguishes addiction from real feeling.
Often love addiction becomes a mania, an obsession, develops even in an apparently healthy person a maniac-persecutor.
Signs
The main symptom of such dependence is constant feeling of heartache and anxiety, even when the beloved is nearby.
A person is haunted by the fear that he may lose the love and attention of his other half. When separated, his thoughts revolve around the object of his passion, and the thoughts take on an obsessive character.
A dependent person sacrifices his interests and desires to please his lover. Because of his low spirit and fear of losing love, he is ready to do anything to save the relationship.
Other signs of love obsession:
Addiction is often confused with love, however these two concepts are very different:
- loving people feel good together, but are not bad apart; dependent people cannot live even a minute without their partner;
- love brings only pleasant emotions - happiness, confidence, calmness, inspiration. When possessed, a person experiences disturbing emotions - fear, despondency, anxiety;
- love gives a person freedom, but dependence leaves a feeling of internal tension;
- in a love relationship, both partners are equal, and dependent relationships are built on dominance and submission;
- love improves life, but addiction destroys it;
- a person in love is full of strength and inspiration, he is able to create and transform life. A dependent person forgets about himself and his interests.
How to get out of depression after breaking up with your loved one? will help you!
Love addiction - diagnosis, difference from love and. Practical tips:
Methods of disposal
Love addiction - Not new problem , which has been studied many times.
To get rid of dependence on your lover, many methods and trainings have been developed:
Does love exist at a distance? find out right now.
How to get out of love addiction? Simple and trouble-free technology:
Men and women suffer from love addiction to varying degrees. It manifests itself in people regardless of gender, age and social status. Here are ways to combat this disease differs between men and women.
Psychologists say that the most important thing is to realize your addiction and take steps to get rid of it.
How to overcome love addiction? Ways to get rid of love addiction to a man:
Ways to get rid of love addiction to a woman:
- throw yourself into work, occupy your head as much as possible with work, so that there is neither time nor energy to think about your beloved;
- engage in physical labor or sports - fatigue helps to get rid of unnecessary actions;
- to realize that she is not the only attractive woman in the world. There are other equally beautiful and intelligent representatives of the fairer sex;
- make a written agreement with yourself not to give your beloved more time and attention than you should.
Print it out and hang it in a visible place - if you are tempted, this paper can stop you from rash actions.
How to deal with love addiction? Psychologist's advice:
How to get rid of it yourself?
How to cure love addiction on your own? love addiction doesn't just appear. Often the reason lies in the distant past - in relationships with parents, in childhood experiences, in teenage complexes, in the first youthful love.
It is very important to identify this cause and get rid of it.
To do this, you need to delve into yourself - it won’t be easy, but it needs to be done in order to finally breathe freely.
Often people in codependent relationships are offended by their parents. Because of this resentment, they are unable to build healthy relationships and truly mature.
After analyzing your past and identifying the reasons for your behavior a dependent person must learn to express his feelings without embarrassment and fear of condemnation.
This is one of the most difficult stages of treatment - not to judge yourself for your feelings, not to feel guilty for your happiness. Only by fully realizing one’s feelings and expressing them without shame does a person become free.
Practical steps:
All people strive to love and be loved. But love addiction is obsessive obsession, not a real feeling. Fortunately, there are ways to relieve this depressing feeling.
How to free yourself from love addiction? Practical recommendations:
Each era has its own cult. There are cults that go back to ancient times and still continue to stir the minds of humanity in general and each of us in particular. This is a cult of love.
Love has no clear definition, and the older a person gets, the more difficult it is for him to understand what it means. Ask a child what love is, and he will definitely give you the answer: it is caring about his friends, the desire to spend time with them and share toys, it is a mother who kisses and hugs you, and you want to kiss and hug her back. This is when the sun is shining and the wonderful weather is conducive to playing in the yard all day, and then eating ice cream on the bench and laughing at jokes - your own and others'.
Children understand love more simply, and perhaps that is why they see it as great. It’s strange, because it is generally accepted that real awareness of love comes much later!
It is deceptive to make all interest in life dependent on such intense feelings as love.
Maria Skladovskaya-Curie
What is love addiction?
With age, what people understand as love for some reason begins to bring them suffering. Not seeing the object of their sublime feelings, they become despondent, cannot be happy about anything, and are desperately waiting for a message or meeting. Everything that was important to them until now loses its meaning: the abyss of despair drags in, and life turns into waiting for a meeting or conversation.But even constant presence with the object of your feelings rarely brings relief from suffering: a manic desire arises to be with a person around the clock, to absorb all his time, and - to be honest - to completely dissolve in him. At this stage, most relationships, even those that were previously quite harmonious, begin to collapse: no person likes it when his freedom is encroached upon.
The lover, of course, receives friendly support: most of his friends have experienced this many times, and will definitely say that time will heal all wounds. You need to take care of yourself, distract yourself, and maybe become an ideal in order to match the object of your fantasies. Few people voice one simple truth: everything that happens has nothing to do with love.
Why did we give an example of how children see love? Because they do not yet experience any suffering when thinking about love. As we age, society, classic novels, songs heard on the radio teach us more and more that love is associated with suffering. That it is right to experience terrible torment, because thousands have already been in our place, and thousands will someday be.
The truth is that love has nothing to do with the suffering with which it is somehow identified. If a person cannot live even a day (as many songs say) without the object of his passion, this is not at all a reason to throw all his strength into forcing an impregnable fortress to capitulate. This is a reason to start an honest dialogue with yourself and admit one immutable truth: what is happening to you is, alas, not love, but real addiction. And the pain you experience is not a symptom that accompanies true love. They are rather similar to what drug addicts experience when they are unable to get their dose of the drug.
The nature of love addiction
"Love Pills"
Love addiction is a complex and not fully understood thing. Experts still have not agreed on why some people are susceptible to it and others are not. However, there is a group of people (most of them women) who may encounter this in their life journey.
As a rule, romantic natures, prone to daydreaming and idealization, find an object that at least approximately corresponds to their ideal and themselves add to its image the necessary features that it sometimes does not possess at all. Another and, alas, quite large group are insecure people suffering from low self-esteem. Even routine compliments and light flirting can ignite them and, who is completely unaware of the power of his polite smile.
Such women are internally afraid that this last man, who will turn his attention to them and therefore cling to him like a straw. Alas, they have little chance of winning a worthy place in the life of the object of their desire: few people will be interested in a woman who identifies herself with a dog at the feet of her owner.
Symptoms of love addiction
- Inability to concentrate
Even the most important matters and problems fade into the background. You can spend the whole day waiting for a phone call, forgetting about your direct responsibilities, and your previous interests and hobbies no longer arouse enthusiasm in you. - Intrusive thoughts
The image of your lover or lover haunts you around the clock. You fall asleep and wake up thinking about when you can meet next time, you are terribly worried if the meeting does not take place, and the mere thought that he or she may have a second half can drive you into hysterics. The image haunts you around the clock: you constantly play it in your head possible options meetings and conversations. - Nervousness
Love-dependent people get irritated for any reason, especially if they cannot be near the object of their passions. This can alienate them from friends and loved ones. - Depression
Love addiction is almost always accompanied by: the addict does not feel reciprocity and falls into despair, starting to look for shortcomings in himself and trying to correct them. He is constantly in a bad mood, and the only thing that can somehow improve it is a fleeting meeting or conversation.
Test: Do you have a love addiction?
“I love so much that I can’t live without him!” the woman thinks, looking at her chosen one. She is deeply convinced that her feelings and thoughts are a manifestation true love. And there's an eternity ahead.But years pass, and the happy light fades in the eyes. Relationships bring less and less joy, and more and more pain and disappointment. How stronger feelings, the more severe the consequences. A vicious circle arises: a man destroys a woman’s life, but she doesn’t want to let him go or is unable to.
It is not love, but love addiction that leads to such a sad outcome. And recognizing it at the beginning of a relationship is quite difficult.
Take our test and find out if you are building a mechanism of self-destruction in your soul.
Question 1: When you started dating your partner, did your life change a lot?
- A. My life began to belong to my loved one. I started spending all my time next to him: caring, protecting, helping (including financially). Former friends and hobbies faded into the background.
- B. My life became fuller and fuller, but I remained myself. I still work, communicate with friends, I have my own interests and hobbies.
Question 2. Your loved one went to another city for a week. How do you feel?
- A. I miss him, I call periodically, but I try not to dwell on his absence. I switch my attention to something else: friends, relatives, hobbies, work.
- B. I suffer greatly, I call my loved one several times every day, send SMS, I can’t think about anything or anyone else except him.
Question 3. How do you feel about your partner’s shortcomings?
- A. I accept my loved one as he is. After all, all people have shortcomings and advantages.
- B. I help my partner get rid of them. I believe he can and should improve.
Question 4. What do you value more in a relationship with your loved one?
- A. Romance, passion and good sex.
- B. Mutual trust, understanding and support.
Question 5. You have planned a romantic date with your partner for Friday evening. The long-awaited day has come, but your loved one called you, complained about the rush and asked to reschedule the meeting. Your reaction.
- A. I’m very offended. Why is work more important to him than me?
- B. Most likely, I will be upset. But I will try to treat the situation with understanding, anything can happen.
Question 6. How do you feel about the idea of marriage?
- A. So far I feel good with my loved one.
- B. Get married at any cost! I love my partner, I don't need anyone else.
Question 7. Are you trying to control your chosen one?
- A. I should know everything about him. Firstly, it reduces the risk that he will be taken away by another woman. Secondly, I need to give my loved one the right advice in life. That is why I often call him and ask him about any little things at home.
- B. No, our relationship is built on trust.
Question 8. Are you ready to sacrifice your work (your favorite thing, business, hobby) as a sacrifice to your relationship?
- A. Ready!
- B. No. I want to be not only a beloved woman, but also to realize myself.
Question 9. Do you often make scandals and hysterics for your loved one?
- A. Yes.
- B. No.
Question 10. Your partner decided to change the field professional activity, because I found myself in another business. But he already has a good position and a high income, and in case of changes he will have to start all over again. What will your actions be?
- A. We must dissuade him from this stupidity at any cost.
- B. I will support my loved one, even if difficulties arise. He has the right to do with his life as he sees fit.
Question 11. Would you like a man to provide for you, and you don’t have to work?
- A. We need to support each other, and both should contribute to the family budget.
Question 12. If your loved one betrayed you, would you continue the relationship?
- A. A loved one can be forgiven for everything.
- B. No. He who betrayed once is capable of betraying a second time.
Question 13. Do you think a man’s friends should also be your friends?
- A. Of course, because we are one whole.
- B. A man and a woman can have mutual friends. Or maybe everyone has their own. This is fine.
Question 14: Which description suits you best when it comes to relationships?
- A. I remain myself and allow my partner to do the same.
- B. I try to be the ideal woman for my beloved: a good housewife, a passionate lover and a faithful friend.
Question 15. Are you afraid that your loved one might leave you?
- A. I am calm for myself.
- B. I'm afraid.
Question 16. Do you think a woman can be happy when she doesn’t have a loved one?
- A. Yes. Happiness depends only on ourselves.
- B. No. Without love, life cannot be complete.
Question 17. Are you worthy of your man's love?
- A. Yes.
- B. Although my man loves me, in my heart I understand that he could find a more worthy woman (smart, beautiful, sexy, interesting, caring, and so on).
Key to the test
Question no. | Answer A | Answer B |
---|---|---|
1 | 1 | 0 |
2 | 0 | 1 |
3 | 0 | 1 |
4 | 1 | 0 |
5 | 1 | 0 |
6 | 0 | 1 |
7 | 1 | 0 |
8 | 1 | 0 |
9 | 1 | 0 |
10 | 1 | 0 |
11 | 0 | 1 |
12 | 1 | 0 |
13 | 1 | 0 |
14 | 0 | 1 |
15 | 0 | 1 |
16 | 0 | 1 |
17 | 0 | 1 |
Test results
If you have typed...0-5 points
You are a harmonious person, and your feelings are filled with light and goodness. In love you do not lose yourself, and therefore are able to create a happy union.6-11 points
You are in love and tend to idealize your partner. Be careful how you feel and don't forget about your life: friends and family, work, hobbies, interests and goals.12-17 points
Your feelings have developed into a painful state - love addiction. It makes you vulnerable. Any wrong step on the part of your partner - and your happiness can collapse like a house of cards. Stop and remember that there is a lot of interesting and useful things in life besides relationships.How to deal with this addiction?
Love addiction will continue until you understand that this destructive, painful feeling has nothing to do with love. It is not just not like love, it is the opposite of love, which brings lightness, joy, sows peace and harmony in your soul.
Should I go to a psychotherapist? Many people advise visiting a specialist, but you can get rid of this disease (and it’s difficult to find another word) on your own. The first step is awareness. The realization that you are holding an image in your head that does not actually exist. It doesn't matter how good the person is. He may have a hundred positive qualities, but this does not make him the God to whom you willingly pray and sacrifice your thoughts, feelings and time. No one needs this, and first of all, you yourself.
In addition to advantages, every person also has disadvantages. Being in a state of addiction, it is difficult to realize that your ideal is not so perfect, but certain volitional efforts will help you understand this. So, to get rid of addiction, you must clearly understand that you want to find peace and harmony in your soul.
Look at your schedule. Maybe you don't work or study enough? Do you now have too much free time, which you have filled with empty dreams? Start fulfilling your direct tasks, find a new hobby that will require mental and physical effort from you.
By forcing yourself to focus on other things, you will begin to notice that you worry less and less about the things that once haunted you. Join a gym or take a course foreign language: Meeting new people who share your interests will definitely help take your mind off things. And success in mastering a new discipline in better side will affect your self-esteem.
The way you perceive yourself also matters great importance. If before this time you were inspired by the dream of meeting your “soul mate,” then it is better to throw these thoughts out of your head. Do you really think that without a partner you are incomplete? That only by meeting him will you finally find yourself, raise your self-esteem, be happy and live a full life?
Alas, like attracts like. Until you understand that the source of your happiness and confidence lies within yourself, you will suffer from loneliness or meet people who are ready to assert themselves at your expense. Do you really love your suffering so much that you would spend your entire life wallowing in self-pity?
Bottom line
By taking care of yourself and truly accepting and loving yourself, you will be surprised at how much your life will change. Only by becoming a full-fledged, self-confident person can you meet true love and understand that sincere feelings have nothing to do with pain and suffering.How to get rid of love addiction that has replaced love.
“As usual, we woke up in the morning, had breakfast, there wasn’t much to talk about, so we watched the news. Then I walked him to work, he kissed me before leaving. In the evening I found out that he has had another girlfriend for 2 months.”
“We broke up more than six months ago. Not long ago I finally came to my senses, a new man appeared, but nothing serious. Yesterday my ex wrote and suggested we meet and talk. It feels like I've been thrown into past life. I don’t know what he needs and what’s the point of this meeting, I don’t want to contact him again, although, of course, I miss him terribly.”
“I don’t know how it happened that I got into a relationship with a married man. But now I can’t imagine my life without him. I knew about my wife from the beginning, but we had fun and good, I didn’t think that it would develop into something serious. Now I can’t leave him, and I no longer have the strength to share with my wife.”
And thousands more similar stories can be recalled by any practicing psychologist or psychotherapist.
Their whole essence boils down to the fact that people are looking for relief, are afraid to plunge back into the old routine, delve into themselves in search of an answer to the question of how to get rid of love addiction if the relationship has come to an end, is it worth returning to former partners and forgiving betrayal or Over time, the feelings will subside and everything will get better.
Breaking up is always an emotionally exhausting process that takes away strength and faith in a bright future. But time passes, you cool down and agree to forgive everything, if only the person returns and you are happy again. The question is, will you?
Such love dependence on a person arises not from great love, but from large, voluntarily raised cockroaches in the head. That’s why so often people cannot give a clear answer what feelings drive them, if we take away the word “love” - fear of being alone, attachment, outright manipulation, inability to independent life, jealousy.
Why do we all know about addiction?
A person struggles with addiction to food, bad habits, pills, games, but rarely admits that he is dependent on a relationship with another person. There is a universal excuse: “I just love.” Although dependence in relationships is formed according to the same laws, it also subjugates a person, depriving him of self-control and filling his thoughts.
It is similar to drug or nicotine, gaming or chemical addiction: you lose freedom, all interests are focused on one thing - the object of addiction. It is not so much the partner that becomes important, but the relationship with him. A person dependent on “love” experiences an acute lack of attention, moral support, self-respect, self-worth, and loses the feeling of life regardless of dependence:
“I can’t evaluate my merits until I receive approval from my partner,”
“After a quarrel with her, I can neither sleep nor eat - everything makes no sense.”
The emergence of addiction on the foundation of “love”
Any addiction is based on three pillars:
- it’s emotionally difficult for you, you feel physically unwell;
- you are looking for ways to alleviate your condition, but nothing helps except continuing to interact with the object of addiction;
- all your interests converge at one point - the object of dependence.
If, for example, everything is clear in relation to alcohol addiction:
- hangover, deterioration of health;
- desire to drink again (or drink more);
- neglecting work, family and friends for the sake of alcohol,
then it is more difficult to discern love addiction in a relationship. We love it! And we cannot admit even to ourselves that there is no more love. We choose to endure, cry, be offended, swear, blindly believing that this will pass and peace will come. And peace comes.
But when you enter the “everything is fine” state, are you able to tell yourself that you are in a sober mind, that your thoughts are fresh and the absence of pain is not a temporary phenomenon?
More to come new round dependent relationships - depressed mood, despair, feelings of hopelessness, psycho-emotional breakdowns. Do you think the reason for this is any external factors, preventing you from enjoying happiness, but you don’t see that the object of your desires is the main reason for what is happening. This works with any form of addiction.
How to finally determine that you have become a hostage in a relationship
It is possible that behind love (which is firmly entrenched in your head) is the inability to open your thoughts to your partner, personal feelings have to be suppressed so as not to provoke another conflict, from time to time you are subject to anxiety, which arises if something goes wrong. usually.
Analyze your state when you smooth out conflicts.
Yes, you preserve the relationship and avoid conflict. But what's going on inside? Are you happy, exhale calmly if “everything turned out okay,” do you blame yourself for weakness, do you feel resentful? In dependent relationships, a person does not get relief, even after avoiding a quarrel. His goal is to “hush up the situation” so as not to make things worse.
How much does your mood depend on the mood and behavior of your partner?
This is clearly visible in a situation when one of the partners begins to behave inconveniently for the other, creating a threat to the “everything is fine” state. For example, you express dissatisfaction (little attention, show up late, don’t help), then your partner takes a dominant position, demonstrates superiority, using “punishment” techniques: blaming in response, raising your voice, belittling, shaming, open anger - even threatening to break up . After this, you “roll back” the situation, refuse accusations, apologize, admit your incontinence and return to the original model of behavior (where you feel just as bad), just so as not to spoil your existing relationship and lose your partner.
The phrase “If you love, let go” is not about you.
It is never applicable, in any way, in any way. Everyone’s freedom is extremely limited, relationships are built according to the “good-bad-attempt to hold on” scheme. Dependent relationships are based solely on the fear of losing a partner and the desire to stay with him at any cost. If there is a threat of a breakup, leaving a partner, dependent person ceases to be interested in everything that does not concern their couple, including their own condition.
Who's right?
A dependent person is confident that he is right and that the culprit of his bad condition is a partner who behaves incorrectly. He does not allow the idea that the very nature of his anxiety is abnormal; he believes that if his partner changes, the relationship will improve. These thoughts accumulate and pour out on the partner in a series of quarrels and truces under the threat of separation. However, as soon as peace comes, he again plunges into discontent, worries and accusations of what is happening to his partner.
A dependent person cannot solve his problems without connecting them with the object of dependence. Even if everything is perfect in all areas of life (work, friends, health, self-realization), but at home you are immersed in an atmosphere of constant accusations and insults, everything else loses importance until you improve your family relationships.
There are problems communicating with other people, shyness, vulnerability, and the need for constant support and approval. This is a sign of any addiction: the function that alcohol performs in alcohol addiction (without it it is difficult to interact with people), in an addictive relationship the partner has. And until you get “doping” in his face, the condition cannot be improved.
You start calling and writing, tracking and looking for “evidence”, deceiving, blaming and intimidating, trying to get someone to talk and get any emotions. You completely lose control over your behavior, directing all your efforts towards one person. But still continue to believe that this is love and not addiction?
While you're inside
A healthy relationship occurs when two individual person, while maintaining personal freedom and individuality, they find common ground.
Adapting to each other, to the lifestyle, tastes and habits of the partner is natural and even necessary as long as everyone has their own personal space, preferences, interests and opportunities to realize themselves outside the couple, as long as none of the partners sacrifices anything.
If you have not “dissolved” in your partner, then you have every chance to level the relationship to a healthy level. AND main task– direct efforts not at points of contact with another person, but within oneself, at character education and the formation of personal space.
In dependent relationships, the personal space of partners is noticeably narrowed in favor of the “common”. At first, everything seems ideal: you live in perfect harmony, are completely absorbed in common interests, spend time together, abandoning the part of yourself that makes you you, “for the sake of a relationship.” But over time and a gradual increase in problems, a strong dependence appears emotional states, worries and joys from the situation within the relationship.
The dangerous thing in this situation is that once you become dependent and begin to “destroy yourself,” you draw moral strength exclusively from your partner. In moments when “everything is fine,” you feel a state of complete happiness, the joy of dissolving into something more, all-encompassing love. Because of this, after another quarrel (or even a breakup), you strive to experience exactly these feelings again, without taking into account the circumstances, other opinions, without taking into account the real state of affairs. Your goal is to again experience the happiness that you believe is impossible without this person.
If we reduce everything to theory, then there are only 2 ways out of dependent relationships:
You gradually begin to “build yourself up”, purposefully work on the psychological restoration of your “I”: you do what you gave up, expand your social circle, develop professional skills. This way you restore the balance between relationships and personal space. Yes, it may not be possible to save the couple, since your partner will not accept your behavior, which differs from the usual, but you will get a chance to get out of an addictive relationship.
You continue to torment and convince yourself, proving that everything that is happening is temporary and will soon change, you are trying to change your partner, blaming him for your problems ( “You don’t change”, “You don’t want to understand me”). From time to time you make peace, at these moments you even laugh at quarrels ( “I wonder when we will quarrel next,” “Yes, our whole relationship is a confrontation.”), and continue to consciously cherish and protect the existing model of relationships. As a result, your anxieties intensify, and it becomes more difficult for you to survive each new quarrel and cope with psychological discomfort. Relationships collapse, end, but you are looking for new connections only with a similar scenario, needing to be complemented by another person - with the same problems, identical people and even the same events.
If you understand that the end has come, do not torment yourself with hopes.
How to live if you broke up?
How to get rid of love addiction
You are going through a difficult period in your life, you are sure that you will never find such happiness again, that this person is your destiny, and you have lost him... All your thoughts are directed to your ex-partner, you are looking for reasons for separation, excuses, blaming yourself for everything, make promises to yourself to change your behavior and attitude towards life, come up with ways to return. You are sure that you are in a dead end, from which there is only one way out - to return to your past relationship. Don’t worry, there are ways out, and he’s not even the only one.
You need to not just admit the thought, but clearly realize that you are dependent and your relationship is destructive for both of you. You are driven not by feelings for a person, not by an emotional need to communicate with him, but obsession to be where it hurts and is difficult for you, because it is familiar. So, how to get rid of love addiction to a person when you no longer have the strength to fight?
Start by understanding yourself, not your partner.
Remember the moments of truce, when rare bursts of joy were even more rarely accompanied by a state of calm. When, even having established peace after a quarrel, you could not relax, you were constantly in anxiety, you felt injustice, humiliation on the part of your partner. After the breakup, there was no relief, and painful feelings are now intensified by the absence of someone who at least occasionally brought joy. In the same circumstances there is a person suffering, for example, from alcohol addiction.
Don’t rush to look for ways to return, first understand what’s inside you.
Otherwise, when you return, you will dive into exactly the same absorbing swamp, into the same anxieties and experiences. What if the partner you're longing for isn't the one you want in your life? Wait deny. Yes, now you have suffered enough and are ready to do anything, even to accept his lowest qualities, just to get everything back and ease your current state. Similarly, a drug addict needs a dose, a gambler needs a game: this helps get rid of suffering “now,” and this is precisely the task you consider the main one.
Now imagine a person who thinks about himself, looks to the future, wants to build a happy relationship, and does not cling to the old ones, enduring pain and stirring up coals, in fear of being left with nothing. Does it command respect?
Then stop thinking that this person is not you. Is it worth returning to your ex-partner, risking getting old experiences, or is it better to let go - your main doubt at this stage. Are you afraid of making a mistake and letting go of someone who could become your destiny? Then do not miss the idea that fate is also preparing teachers, whose task is to teach an important lesson, to prepare for the next stage of life.
Take a short personality test
Take a test to better understand yourself and your partner. Answer a few questions, adjust them to your relationship. This will make it easier for you to understand whether it’s worth looking for ways to return to your ex-partner or whether it’s time to call it a day and try to get rid of your love addiction.
Do you really feel love for your ex-partner or are you drawn to him by feelings of possessiveness, jealousy, thoughts about the past?
Has love gone? Get off the “dead horse”, you can’t tell your heart. Be tougher on yourself - build your life without him.
You can't come to terms with some of your partner's personal qualities?
People rarely change, there's nothing you can do about it. He will change and you won't accept it.
Have you been betrayed several times already?
And you continue to believe that this is the last one? Read it again: people don't change.
Is he a womanizer? Drunkard? Does he lie all the time? Humiliating?
Don't think, break up! If you continue to date such a person, there is something wrong with you.
Are you incompatible in bed?
Sex is an important element of relationships. It may be more important or less important, but if you are not suitable for each other, then this is a good reason to think about it. Problems will still arise.
Why do you want your ex back?
Answer honestly, avoiding the phrase “I love” that drives you. Is there no place for wounded pride or selfishness? Jealousy? Fear of being alone? You still can’t build love on such a foundation, even if you return the relationship.
It won't get any more interesting. If you don’t have common interests and have very different views on life, what do you think are the chances that everything will change?
You broke up, and there were reasons for it.
Why are you sure that after reconciliation everything will work out? After all the disappointments, unresolved problems and with an accumulated load of grievances and claims? Because “now you understand everything”? Don't fool yourself.
The race for the truth in the vein of “who had it more difficult” will only lead to a new batch of quarrels. You want to stay not so much with the person, but “in a relationship with the person,” making the relationship the center of attention, perceiving the rest as an application. This desire usually manifests itself as follows:
“It’s hard for me both with him and without him. I feel something is wrong, something is not going right, does not satisfy me and causes discomfort. I would like to end this relationship, but I cannot resist the inner need to be with him and constantly hope that everything will work out.”
If you still want to improve your relationship, eradicate these reasons and get your partner back, during the exercise, write as honestly as possible why each of them worries you, remember previous relationships, events, grievances associated with other people.
- It is possible that the silence and closedness of your partner, for which you reproached him, causes you pain not because he behaves this way, but because you once got burned by another person.
- Perhaps the facts justifying your jealousy are strained and exist only in your head, and your partner is unable to change the course of your thoughts.
- And your emotionality in quarrels comes from deep psychological problems, and you perceive any word through the prism of previous experiences and grievances.
By understanding yourself, you will save yourself in the future from repeating the same events and from similar quarrels. Try to expand your vision - changes and work on internal problems are not needed to return your partner and with him - all the problems. You need them to build your own happy life, no matter with your ex-partner or with someone else. Getting rid of love addiction means taking a step towards emotional freedom in relationships, without which a happy family is impossible.