Why spread gossip. Why do people spread rumors and love gossip
Probably, there is no person who has not become a victim of gossip at least once in his life. How to psychologically protect yourself from them?
Our expert is psychologist Olga Zingman.
Who is under attack?
Everyone reacts differently to gossip about themselves. There are people who even enjoy talking about their person. Psychologists call given type demonstrative personality. A person of such a warehouse longs to be in the center of attention at any cost. He believes that if they talk about him, then he is worthy of interest. Such people not only do not object to gossip, but sometimes provoke their appearance by telling something out of the ordinary or even shameful about themselves.
However, most people still worry because of slander against them. Two categories are especially vulnerable. First of all, these are pedantic people who “get stuck” on the negative. Upon learning that they are gossiping about him, such a person begins to think about it, cannot switch, and exhausts himself. The result is resentment, anger, aggression - extremely destructive emotions that can lead, among other things, to problems with physical health.
The second category - people anxious, not self-confident. They already have low self-esteem, and gossip deals an additional blow to it. Against the backdrop of slander, such a person should be rejected: “what if people hear all these nasty things about me, believe and stop communicating ?!”. Such experiences may well lead to a nervous breakdown.
We build protection
It is impossible to ensure that they do not gossip about you - it simply does not depend on you. It happens that a person, trying to stop gossip, stops telling anything about his life. And as a result, the conversations continue, only now they are based not on real events, but on ridiculous inventions, the creativity of which a science fiction writer would envy.
You should not try to shame the gossip, arrange for him " confrontation". Most likely, this will only lead to a new round of slander. Even worse is to make excuses, telling everyone that what was said is not true. Practice shows: the more a person concentrates on gossip about himself, the more vulnerability he shows, the more negative things they say about him behind his back. Therefore, the best thing to do is to pay less attention to "chatter". For this:
Pity the gossip. A person can have many reasons for talking nasty things about you. This is the desire to avenge something, and envy, and - in this case, speaking nasty things about you, he is trying to elevate himself - and simply a lack of bright events in life. Be that as it may, all this indicates inferiority, that a person is unhappy. It is worthy of regret, not anger or resentment.
Work with self-esteem. It is not necessary to make it high, the main thing is that it be more stable. Working with a psychologist will help to understand and evaluate yourself. If it is not possible to go to him, contact your relatives, relatives, friends. To those whose opinion is important to you and who treats you favorably. Ask them to talk about your strengths and weaknesses. Just make a promise to yourself not to be offended by anything - you are trying to understand yourself.
Use psychological techniques. It happens that, despite all efforts, gossip still "climbs" into the head. In such a situation, it will be useful to use this technique. Retire in a quiet environment and imagine how a tower is being built around you. Choose the material you like. It can be even concrete, even wood, even thin glass, but in any case, this material is magical: it is invulnerable to any blows, even to atomic explosion. And it also has the property, like police mirrors in detective films: from the inside you can see absolutely everything, but you can’t look into the tower from the outside. Build walls at arm's length, you should not be crowded in them. You can take into your tower those who are close and dear to you, put your favorite things there - in general, imagine that you are comfortable and good here. Now imagine the gossips. They are trying with all their might to get into the tower - they make tunnels, send arrows from a bow, throw stones, put dynamite ...
And nothing works out for them - because the tower is impregnable. This is the picture you should imagine every time you hear negative talk about yourself. Over time, you will stop paying attention to them, and life will become more harmonious.
Each of us at least once became the object of gossip. Moreover, rumors and gossip are a topic of conversation in many companies and collectives.
Absolutely everyone gossips, despite the fact that we were all taught from childhood that it is impossible to talk about someone behind their back. Despite this, nothing stops us from the temptation to tell all the friends at the party about how your mutual friend spent a lot of money on a ticket that she successfully lost, or about a friend who fell into a puddle. Of course, harmless conversations will not bring anything bad. However, gossip and intentional negative rumors can be a real problem.
Why do we gossip
Reason one: pathological, innate interest in someone else's life. It's in our blood, so getting away from it is almost impossible. We're just wondering how others will react to what you know or don't know about a person. This also applies to the stars of show business, to which, precisely for this reason, all the attention of the media is riveted.
Reason two: the desire to humiliate a person. Everyone has enemies, in the war against which all methods are good. The rumors that spread about you almost always come from an ill-wisher. Even whispering about your successes can spell trouble. For example, general envy.
Reason three: dullness of the environment. Sometimes we get bored - that's when gossip flows like water. When the topics for conversation end, the time of gossip begins, which can kill fatigue and boredom for a while.
Reason four: desire to impress. Perhaps this is the most common reason for gossip and talk about someone behind his back. Let's say you are in a noisy company or on a date with someone you like. Interesting rumors can make you a good conversationalist, because a funny story about how one of the mutual friends lost an apartment in a casino is always interesting for any person. Sometimes, for the sake of such a goal, rumors can be deliberately spread by the person himself. But in this case, of course, they will embellish reality.
Reason five: increasing self-esteem. By spreading rumors about someone's misfortune, we can see from the outside our life, which is not as bad as that of someone who has lost his entire fortune, family, or fell ill with a rare disease.
How about gossip
It doesn't matter what they say about you. If they talk about you, it means that you are interesting to others. Do not be negative about the fact that someone is discussing you, because all people are different. Gossip invented by third parties may be the result of your enmity, or it may turn out to be just someone's empty conjecture. Talking behind your back should be fought only if a loved one has been turned against you.
And even then, remember that no unconfirmed information can kill love or sincere respect, so just ignore the gossip. The best lesson for gossipers is that your life has not become worse from their empty words. Everyone can make better use of their time. One of these ways we
Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: Gossip .... the word is unpleasant, although it seems like just talking about others ... But no, the word gossip tells us that it is something unpleasant. None of us likes when they talk about us behind our backs, when they invent and think out what is not there, when they discuss us. Why do people gossip if it's unpleasant?
Why do people gossip if it's unpleasant?
Gossip .... the word is unpleasant, although it seems like just talking about others ... But no, the word gossip tells us that this is something unpleasant. None of us likes when they talk about us behind our backs, when they invent and think out what is not there, when they discuss us.
Why do people gossip if it's unpleasant?
Let's try to figure it out.
Here are three friends sitting in a cafe and talking nicely about their men, clothes. And it seems that all three of them are very frank with each other and close. And then one of them says: "Well, that's it, I have to go, I have to run to work and then pick up the child." The other two kiss her and say goodbye, and then:
The most interesting begins. They begin to wash all the bones of that friend who left. And what is she doing wrong with her husband, and that she does not take care of the child, and that the last dress did not suit her very much and in general she recovered! What for? After all, are they friends? After all, everything that is wrong, according to the law of friendship, can be said in person and help a friend become better!
Or another story: Four bosom friends from school are sitting over mugs of beer. They are already 40 and their life is very much at the moment poraskinul and territorially and financially. And now, having gathered all together once a month, they communicate nicely, but as soon as someone leaves early, the most interesting begins.
So the one who is currently the richest left and away we go. The three remaining comrades sit and tinder about how lucky he was that he himself would not be able to do this, but with the women he has a complete failure and his belly has grown more than everyone else. The one who recently changed the car left and the rest begin to discuss that he chose the cars in general d ... but .... And so on. What for?
REASONS & BENEFITS
1. Way of structuring time. There is nothing to do, there is not enough brightness in life and you can vividly and emotionally discuss someone else's life. There is an element of involvement in this life and a feeling of greater fullness of life.
2. Increasing "self-esteem" by devaluing the other. In gossip, they always talk about the absent as something different, inappropriate, worse in something. Accordingly, those who say THEY ARE EXACTLY EXCELLENT in something they are talking about. They are definitely better, more excellent, more successful in this. You lower the other one and you look taller against his background)
3. A way to gain respect, attention and love through the position of the Victim. The old story is what it is, but we were just unlucky, you respect me and other versions of this idea. He cried in comparison with the lucky one and seemed to justify himself and got the attention and respect of the audience.
As can be understood from the above points - these are crooked ways to meet the needs for the brightness of life, self-respect, love and acceptance.
And how to make it so that there is no point in gossip?
only WORK on YOURSELF and your LIFE:
1. Realistically assess your life in all areas at the moment from 1 to 10. And if some areas are lame, admit it to yourself.
2. Set goals for improvement life spheres who are lame.
3. Start taking real steps to improve and develop your life in all areas on the way to your ideal by 100%.
It's strange, but you won't have any time or sense for gossip. Since you will be busy with a full-fledged own life. publishedIf you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project .
Both young and adult women spread rumors about potential rivals, competing for male attention, American psychologists have found out. The results were published in the journal Journal of Experimental Social Psychology .
Earlier studies that looked at 137 different cultures found that female competition for romantic relationships with a man is present in 91% of them.
“Historically, a family's prosperity has depended on a woman's partner,” explains Tanya Reynolds, lead author of the study. - Today it does not play such a big role anymore - women have gained access to education and work. However, the loss of one of the family's sources of income reduces the resources for raising children, and the divorce process is a very stressful event.
So the retention of a partner still affects the life of a woman and her family.
In addition, a woman's reputation is still a determining factor in whether she succeeds in romantic relationships, friendships, or professional success. Our research shows that gossip can significantly change the perception of a woman in society. People tend to put a lot of weight on negative information about a person because they think it tells a lot more about a character than positive facts.”
Reynolds conducted five studies in which she found that young girls are just as likely as older women to gossip about other girls. They are more likely to spread defamatory information if the woman is beautiful, dressed provocatively, or is flirting with their partner. Also, the more competitive a woman is in general, the more likely she is to gossip.
The first study involved 111 people - 48 men and 63 women aged 19-65. Participants were shown a photo of an attractive woman named Francesca. They were asked to imagine that this woman had appeared in their environment and rate her moral character, their desire to be friends with her, have sexual relations, go on dates and marry on a seven-point scale (women rated only the first two points).
They then had to re-evaluate their intentions according to the 10 statements about Francesca's personality and lifestyle. Some of them described her as a woman who sleeps with everyone, cheats on her boyfriend, is prone to obesity and suspects that she is pregnant. The rest said that Francesca donates money to charity, speaks four languages, travels all over the world and sings beautifully.
Predictably, statements that portrayed Francesca in a negative light turned men away from her, as did the suggestion that she was pregnant.
At the same time, the tendency to obesity did not affect male interest in any way, but unexpectedly made Francesca more attractive to women. Also had women and information about a possible pregnancy.
Interestingly, the desire to be friends with Francesca, who travels around the world, was rated by men at 5.58 points (the most high score out of all 10 statements), and to have sexual relations - only by 3.85. Men rated the possibility of marrying a presumably pregnant Francesca at 2.17 points, while if Francesca was not pregnant, but had an STD or cheated on a previous partner, she did not even score 1.5 points.
An active sex life did not interfere too much with the friendship of men with Francesca - in this case, such an opportunity was estimated at almost 4 points. Marriage opportunities were most facilitated by a high IQ of 4. He also turned out to be a leader in the paragraph about the possibility of a relationship. But for some reason, the men most of all wanted to sleep with Francesca, who speaks four languages.
In women, Francesca evoked the greatest sympathy if she traveled the world, donated money to charity and was smart, and the most disliked if she had a free sex life, had venereal diseases and cheated on a former boyfriend.
If women compete with each other to achieve a relationship with a particular man, then most of all this trait should be manifested when protecting an established relationship from a potential competitor, the researchers suggested. For the next round, they selected 214 women who were shown a photo of the woman from the first part of the study (now named Veronica) and asked half of them to imagine that she was flirting with their partners.
those women whose relationships could be threatened by Veronica's flirting were more likely to spread defamatory information about her and keep quiet about her positive aspects.
The researchers then randomly assigned photographs of two women to another 217 participants, one of which had previously been rated by a group of men as much more attractive than the other. Participants had to imagine that the woman in the photo had become part of their environment and rate their propensity to spread information about her from earlier stages of the study. Women were much more willing to spread defamatory information about a more attractive woman, also hiding her positive characteristics. Influenced the desire to spoil the reputation of the beauty and the propensity of the participants themselves to compete, established with the help of a separate test.
Similar results were obtained at the next stages of the study, which assessed the tendency of women to denigrate the reputation of women in the photo, depending on the attractiveness of their face or the frankness of the outfit. The more attractive the woman in the photo was and the more sexually dressed, the more she was at risk of being the victim of gossip.
For the final stage of the study, scientists selected 104 female students aged 18-39. When each of them came to the laboratory, she was accompanied by two dummy participants, one of whom was always dressed conservatively, and the outfit of the second (Francesca) was revealing in half the cases. The participants were told that the study was supposedly about how people work in groups.
The male researcher called three women to his office and gave them logical tasks which they had to decide. Then the first dummy participant went to another room, the researcher left, and Francesca, in the process of working, admitted to the participant that she got drunk yesterday and slept with two guys.
Soon the researcher returned to the laboratory and said that Francesca had finished her part of the work. After that, the participant continued to solve problems with the second dummy participant. She in between cases was interested in what it was like to work with the previous girl. After the women finished solving the problems, the researcher asked the participant about her impressions of working with each of the partners. Only then was the true nature of the study revealed to the participants.
The results of this part of the study again showed:
women are more likely to gossip about sexually dressed women. If Francesca was dressed conservatively, the participants were less likely to share details of her intimate life with the second dummy and the researcher.
Reynolds emphasizes that women don't gossip on purpose — they probably do it unconsciously when they feel possible threat to their relationships.
Earlier studies have shown that attractive girls are more likely to be bullied by their peers than handsome boys.
“The data obtained suggests that it is women who can initiate this bullying. And in the future, they spread defamatory rumors in the workplace,” says Reynolds. In her opinion, this information should be conveyed to educational professionals so that they can more effectively combat bullying in schools.
Reynolds also hopes that the results of her work will raise awareness among women, thereby improving relations between them and making them think before they really want to tell this or that rumor to someone.
“I hope we create a formula for success for women that doesn't have to do with their partners or physical attractiveness,” she says. “If we reduce the competition for romance and popularize the idea that women don’t need men to be successful, if we change our idea of what it means to be a successful woman and stop focusing on questions like “Am I attractive to men? This will reduce gossip, make women more self-confident, and give more value to other qualities such as intelligence or kindness.”
To be honest, we all love to gossip. Moreover, men do it with no less rapture than the fair sex. Agree, it’s hard to resist and not tell your friends that a friend is going to get married, a colleague has received a promotion, and a classmate has been seen in discrediting relationships. When we gossip, we compare ourselves to others, get an incentive to succeed or realize our own troubles.
Gossip also corrects our social behavior. “How tired we were of the previous tenants: they always had music blaring, besides, they scattered garbage all over the site,” the neighbors tell you. Information provided in the form of gossip indicates how to behave in order not to spoil relations with them. In the same way, when you talk about someone, you can express your preferences.
In a certain sense, everything goes right according to Nietzsche: "Gossip tells about the boundaries that should not be crossed and about the rules by which you need to play."
Thanks to gossip, we know who the boss favors, who to seek help from, whom to avoid, when to give up and when to go all the way. Gossip clearly demonstrates the existing hierarchy in the group. It is also no secret that timely and skillfully presented information can become a real bomb and radically change the attitude towards the object of gossip. So keep in mind that by “successfully” gossiping, bringing necessary and important information to the group, or skillfully bringing information about your competitors to the leaders, you can climb several steps in the hierarchy.
However, one should not forget folk wisdom"Do not take dirty linen out of the hut." Clever man will never discuss negative traits their loved ones with strangers and thereby humiliate family and friends in the eyes of others.
From childhood?
Children gossip differently than adults, and often do it right in the presence of the object of gossip: “He picks his nose, and only ill-mannered children do this ...”, “She is fat, but she is already eating the third donut!”. Oddly enough, but psychologists believe that such gossip plays a positive role. The child begins to realize that he is not invisible in this world. He is being watched. Therefore, he should control his behavior.
What gender is gossip?
Traditionally, women are considered to be gossips. But is it? Why is the phrase “Dasha bought herself a new fur coat”, sounded among the female environment, considered gossip, and “Kolya crashed his car”, said by men, is considered simply as information? Apparently, it's all about tradition: men are just "interested in the lives of others," and women are always "gossip."
While University of Michigan psychology professor Jeffrey Parker found that, for example, girls talk more about boys they like, boys rarely talk about girls. Interestingly, the stronger the boys are friends, the less time they spend on gossip, but the girls - inseparable girlfriends gossip much more intensively than, for example, just classmates.
Desire to establish itself
Ralph Rosnow believes that people who are unsure of themselves, prone to unreasonable anxieties and fears are prone to gossip. Firstly, they need constant attention, so they blurt out juicy information to everyone they meet (according to the definition of psychologists: “they need an“ ear ”), and secondly, they significantly exaggerate the value of the information they receive in the process of gossip. And sometimes it is greatly distorted during transmission. People who want to gain cheap prestige or present themselves in a more favorable light are also often lying.
However, polls show that inveterate gossips are not very popular people in the team. The owner of a "tongue without bones" usually does not inspire confidence.
Method of getting used to the team
Interestingly, people who are new to this or that social group(a new job, a new house they just moved into, a new company…) get involved in the gossip process much more willingly than the “old-timers”. Discussing the details of someone else's life is a kind of way of adaptation in an unfamiliar environment, because by gossip, we seem to become "ours" and at the same time receive a lot of valuable information.
Diagnosis: conflict
However, be careful: plunging into gossip at the first stage of getting used to a new team, you can incorrectly assess the situation and be considered a conflict person. Any launched gossip is a boomerang that will definitely return. You can no longer install a good relationship with objects of other people's gossip, or they will try to drag you into someone else's war on their side.
With new colleagues, you do not need to immediately start familiar relations. First you need to understand the situation and understand the corporate culture of the company, psychologists advise.
... so that you will not be judged!
Almost every person willingly discusses others, but at the same time, as a rule, no one thinks that he is also ... being discussed. Yes, yes, and they wash your bones. This is normal, often it is the behind-the-scenes discussion, the results of which were conveyed to you, that helps to better think over the line of conduct. Take what they say critically, but without undue emotion.
Perhaps there are only two categories of people who are not afraid of gossip. Celebrities: For them, any scandal is good publicity. And people who take pleasure in shocking others. For them, gossip is a sign that their efforts were not in vain.
Authoritative opinion
“Connect to word of mouth and you will find out what undercurrents exist in the corporate culture of your company,” say psychologists at the London Business School.
“Gossip brings people together much more than boring discussions on the “right” topics,” say office communications experts at the Victoria University of Wellington ( New Zealand). “Most employees hang out with colleagues to relieve work stress.”
“Gossip has a positive effect on our physical state. They stimulate the production of endorphins, promote relaxation and slow down the heartbeat, says the director of the Center for Social Research at the University of Oxford. “In addition, rumors help employees better navigate the relationships that have developed in the office and behave in the right way.”
Personal opinion
Valentin Smirnitsky, actor:
- I'm not good at gossip. Most of the gossip peddler in our country is the yellow press. Based on the deplorable experience of my friends, I concluded for myself that it is pointless to fight gossip. The more you argue with them, defending the truth, the more they attack you. Therefore, I try to ignore them and accept them as the costs of the profession.