I lost myself on maternity leave, the opinion of a psychologist. Mom on maternity leave: how not to lose yourself and be happy
Most women fear maternity leave more than childbirth itself. And all because meeting a mother who would enjoy her legal right to sit at home and not rush anywhere is almost impossible. More often you can hear something like this about maternity leave: I'm going crazy, if only everything would end. Practicing psychologist, bestselling author of pregnancy and childbirth Tatyana Aptulaeva I'm sure you can use this time to your advantage. How to do it, she told AiF.ru
Sudden downshifting
Oksana Morozova, AiF.ru: Tatyana, one of the rather popular requests on the Internet is “how not to go crazy on maternity leave.” Why do many women perceive maternity leave as some kind of test - are they terribly afraid of it?
Tatyana Aptulaeva: You can really go crazy on maternity leave. Imagine, you lived, lived an ordinary life with work, career, discos and karaoke, and then bam! You have a child. That's it, no more karaoke bars. This I am, of course, greatly exaggerating. The loss of the former freedom, when you did what you wanted, ends in an instant, and you are completely subject to the baby's schedule.
- So, is there a real cause for concern, or is it “not as terrible a decree as it is painted”?
- You never know what you can do till you try. A future with many unknown conditions when you give birth for the first time is scary. But when a baby, your closest person, is in your arms for the first time, all fears recede, most of them. You start living in real time. Here and now. Solve all urgent tasks, of which there are dozens every day. And that's it. This is the law of nature. But if you continue to be tormented by some individual fears, discuss them with loved ones. The support of our husbands, friends is often enough to cope with the situation. Not helping the inner circle? Then go to a consultation with a good psychologist. Excessive fears prevent you from enjoying motherhood, become a fly in the ointment in a barrel of honey.
What are the most common maternity leave myths you've heard?
— The myth of wasted time. He's in first place. Because we live in the grip of another myth. Its name is "success". And he suggests a life in which events change at the same frantic speed as in action films about James Bond and Charlie's agents. And, of course, there is a hidden, often unconscious duty in it - to demonstrate to the whole world the external indicators of our achievements. More money. Above position. Cooler car. A deck of certificates of completion of various training courses. And so on ad infinitum. And maternity leave is such a sudden downshifting. Once, and your speed is not fifth, but first. And the most terrible thing is that you cannot yourself, as in that song, shout “Press on gaaaaz!”. Because a woman with a baby in her arms is no longer James Bond or Charlie's agent. As much as she wanted it. But maternity leave is a different system of values. The key word here is "values" - they are there and there are many of them.
Self care
- Is it possible to get rid of the feeling of "Groundhog Day" during this period?
- No mother in the world will get rid of Groundhog Day if she takes care of the baby herself. Whatever one may say, you still repeat the same actions day after day. We list: 5-6 times - change of diapers; 5-6 times - feeding (first with breast, then with complementary foods); every evening - bathing before going to bed; every day is a walk. Now let's multiply that by the number of days in a week, and then by the months in a year. The numbers are impressive. Add to this the usual household chores - cooking three times a day for an adult, washing, cleaning, washing dishes. And all this is life in the state of "a scent like a dog, and a look like an eagle." The mother of an infant is always in the combat stance of a border guard, who is serving day after day, but at the same time his normal state is increased vigilance.
All these childcare activities become automatic, because the human psyche cannot withstand monotony and monotony for a long time. And then close to depression and indifference to their own lives. Fatigue still accumulates. First, physiological - the restoration of the body after childbirth, from lack of sleep, ragged sleep, double workload and responsibility, in general, mastering one's new role as a mother. And then psychological is added to it. But you cannot but repeat these actions, because the well-being of your child directly depends on them, you satisfy the most basic needs in his life.
- In that case, what to do?
- In order for fatigue not to lead you to depression and a feeling of automatism, which enhances Groundhog Day, you need to reduce it as much as possible at the physiological level. First, you make the most simple ways reduce the feeling of fatigue (sleep, daily walks, proper nutrition). Secondly, you are planning new events that will constantly bring a fresh emotional stream into your life, and not into the lives of others. You need to nourish yourself with positive emotions. It can be simple but constant pleasures - meeting friends. But a more reliable way, in my opinion, is to contribute to your personal development. Anything. New foreign language. Courses culinary arts. landscape design. Beds in your country house. I will explain why: by engaging in self-development, you change internally and provide movement not external, but internal. A new hairstyle will no longer be fresh, clothes will wear out, meetings with friends will end, and the results of your development will remain with you forever. Do you understand the difference? From this, your self-esteem returns to its former normal state. And you will no longer feel like an attachment to a child, a milk production plant, etc. It is important.
When you are forced to repeat many monotonous, monotonous actions every day in your external life, it is especially important for you to change internally, to give yourself growth as a person and as a person. The result depends on the repetition of your monotonous actions - your child grows up healthy and happy. But you also need to take care of yourself. If you are not full of energy and emotionally filled, how can you give your love and care to a child? With what feelings?
“And yet, most women on maternity leave live differently. How to organize your day in order to have time for everything? Does it make sense to make a daily routine and stick to it strictly?
- It all depends on the type of mother. If a woman is initially an excellent manager, an organized person, then a child in her arms changes little. Such women quickly turn into a classic multi-armed mother goddess and do five things at the same time. But if you live more by inspiration (I, for example, am one of such people), then it is especially important to maintain an excellent tone - both physical and psychological; support good mood, to have at least one, but a great source of inspiration. Or a bunch of little ones. For "mood" mothers, it makes no sense to plan everything and keep up at all costs, because this does not apply to their internal structure and value system. Rigid planning still won't work. We didn't do it today, we'll do it tomorrow. Life quickly prioritizes. They give up on makeup first. All life is subject to one thing - the well-being of the child. Therefore, it is important to be in time for the clinic, and soup - in a slow cooker, pouring vegetables into it with magic words“Cook the pot” and all other household tricks are quickly mastered: we talked with other mothers, read the necessary articles and books on child care - and learned a lot. Experience quickly teaches that with a child you can do a lot of things. And to the store, and do the cleaning, and cook the soup, and do gymnastics on sports ground while the child is sleeping, and listen to music on headphones while you are rolling the stroller in the park.
Immerse yourself in motherhood
What mistakes do women usually make on maternity leave?
— Perfectionism. You don't have to be the perfect mom. Try to do everything on the "five". Stop in personal development.
- And how to get rid of the complex of the ideal mother?
- Love yourself. Maternity leave is a great time to live a slow life for absolutely no reason. And, perhaps even obliged, if you want your child to feel good, because high speeds, frequent changes of impressions, communication with a large number of people - all this is not for a baby. He gradually discovers the world for himself, quickly gets tired of different kind irritants - noise, bright light, flickering of faces, cacophony of a big city.
How do you find time to take care of yourself?
- Taking care of yourself is not as difficult as it seems. In the first months or six months, the main self-care is the simplest things. The first is sleep. It must be picked up at every opportunity. Can't sleep - just lie next to your baby to reduce nervous tension and give your body a rest. The second is a healthy diet. Three times a day plus a couple of snacks. The third is physical movement for pleasure. And this is daily walks and fitness. All. No frills. I do not remember my difficulties with self-care. In the evening they asked relatives or husband to sit with the child and went to take a bath. The child fell asleep during the day - they made a face mask for themselves, put compresses for the eyes and lie down for yourself perfectly for 2 minutes. Most self-care procedures do not require much time. Another thing is physical tone and the problem of excess weight. In most cases, it's not a question of how to find time, but how to deal with excessive anxiety that makes us eat too much. But that is another topic.
- The standard problem that many women talk about when maternity leave comes to an end is “I forgot how to work, my head doesn’t understand at all”, etc. Is it possible to avoid such consequences and how?
- If during maternity leave you were engaged in self-development, you will not have such a feeling. This is the best prevention of such consequences. It is important to keep your brain in good shape. And if you return to your old place of work, most often this anxiety quickly passes in the first week, maximum two, as soon as you join the flow.
- Some women after the birth of a baby literally drop out of life for several years. Is it correct?
My life on maternity leave a prime example such a loss for several years. But purely external. I immersed myself in motherhood, refusing to be active in the sense of office work or a career. She left the city. Met a lot of misunderstandings. But my life has been richer than ever. If you want, this period can very powerfully renew your life. Reconsider the relationship with yourself, other people, with your work. During this time I improved my English. Wrote new book. Some people left my circle of friends, others came. She was engaged in improving her qualifications as a psychologist, undergoing personal therapy every week. And in order to become a qualified psychologist, you need to sit very well in the client's chair. Without analyzing your own questions, pain points, without meeting your own “sins” with your own eyes, you cannot help and understand other people who turn to you for help. Maternity leave is a crisis time. It is really possible to fall out for several years - the question is how you do it. The artist Surikov once went to Krasnoyarsk for five years - he had his own crisis period. And he returned to Moscow with his most famous painting "Boyar Morozova". Now it hangs in the Tretyakov Gallery. Don't be afraid to drop out for a few years if you see value in it.
I'm tired
- How to involve relatives and a husband in caring for a child if they are not very eager to help?
- Press the "on" button (smiles). And let's start with what kind of help a woman wants. Physical - load the washing machine, drag the child, walk him in the stroller, buy him. Material - to allocate money in family budget for a nanny or cleaner to ease your household chores. There is, finally, an emotional one - to support you, respond to your experiences, endure your tears and hug at the end of the day, and not just demand that you faithfully fulfill all your duties as a housewife and throw plates with fresh dinner on the table. It is very important not to feel alone in caring for a child. And therefore, if the husband is immersed in his career and brings money to the house, and you are at home, then the ideal time when he can communicate with the child in a quality way is Saturday, afternoon or Sunday - when he comes to his senses after a working week. If you have partnerships and you earn about the same, then it is important to distribute responsibilities equally. And the third case, the most difficult. If the husband himself is like a child. Usually such a man requires that he be looked after, looked after. Moreover, it competes with the child for your attention, asks to be fed, washed, stroked on time. Then he will have to educate and nurture himself, returning to him the responsibility for the fact that he is also a parent. But this will take time, he needs to be given six months for sure. And most importantly, learn to ask him. Without claims, insults and scandals. And as an adult, for example: “I really need your help. I'm tired and I want to rest on Saturday. Could you help me and take a walk with the baby during the day, while I take a bath at this time? I will be very grateful to you, my dear." That is, you directly address him, report on your condition, indicate the time in a few days and say what exactly he can do. Everything, usually this is enough to normal person responded to your request. Try.
As for relatives, they are not really obliged to help you, no matter how sad it may sound. If you want them to want, it is your task to make them love the child and make them want to spend time with him.
- How to get rid of guilt that you left the child with dad, nanny or grandmother?
- Not one of these experiences - feelings of guilt, resentment, accusation, envy - can not be got rid of just like that. If every breakup mom experiences it, most likely we are talking about about herself. It may concern her own history. For example, in childhood, her child was often and for a long time separated from her mother, left alone or with strangers. And it is also important to pay attention to whether the mother is openly or secretly condemned by relatives. If they say “you think only about yourself, but you don’t give a damn about the child”, or just silently, but demonstrating with all your appearance that she is - bad mother, then in this case, it is very difficult not to feel guilty. Many mothers, especially at the beginning, succumb to such an accusation. It is difficult to resist, so you need to deal with your weak points: dependence on someone else's opinion, low self-esteem, a tendency to self-accusation ...
- Most of the articles that talk about the fact that maternity leave can really be used with benefit, you can find hundreds of negative comments: “apparently the author has no children”, “all this is fantasy”, “you won’t relax on maternity leave”, etc. To this article, they, too, for sure, will be, because your view of this period in a woman's life is not as pessimistic as many ...
First, I have a child. Secondly, everyone goes their own way. Here I will say briefly: the feeling of a dead end does indeed arise in every person from time to time. And not only during maternity leave, but at any other time of big changes in life. And at the same time, resources to change the situation and accept it with everyone hidden opportunities everyone has. Just a huge feeling of fatigue, panic, severe anxiety or lack of banal support for at least one person in life does not always allow us to see the possibilities of maternity leave. But when there is nothing, you just need to calm down and remember your dream.
A confession about how the desire to become a good mother suppressed my individuality, and my personality was dissolved in the family. How I decided to find a new me and wrote a plan for getting out of maternity leave.
After the birth of a child, my life was divided into BEFORE and AFTER the decree, where BEFORE I am a successful lawyer, a young, beautiful and independent woman, and AFTER I am a tired bundle of disappointments and procrastinations.
Before the decree, life was in full swing, I always knew what was right, why it was necessary and how to get it, I wanted everything and could do everything. I was full of energy and drive, the desire to live, develop and strive forward. I was the very good girl from the class who kept a diary and she always succeeded in everything easily and simply: girlfriends envy, parents are overjoyed, a career develops, men admire.
Then I got married, my long-awaited and beloved son was born - my happiness knew no bounds! I wanted only one thing: to become the best mother!
In fact, my maternity leave consisted of several periods: before childbirth, the first six months, and after. At first, I prepared for a long time and waited for this miracle. I didn’t have the toxemia that was talked about so much, the flare-ups of an irrepressible desire to taste exotic gastronomy, a difficult birth or postpartum depression. But I dreamed of drinking my first maternity leave to the bottom, so I indiscriminately began to shove all the forbidden things into myself - sweets and buns that I had never allowed before, sleep for days, abandoned sports, walked around the house in stretched pajamas and with a dirty bun on my head. When, if not on maternity leave, I thought.
Then there was a maternity hospital, and now you are already accepting congratulations, setting up your life, getting used to a new role and slowing down ... I was in paradise: the child drowned my heart and made me be even more grateful to God for the blessings that heaven gives me. That feeling when you gain spirituality faster than extra pounds and do not notice how the absolute dependence of your life on the interests of the most important person in it - your son - is being formed.
As a true perfectionist, I tried to be perfect in everything: I fed the child until 2 years old, and would have continued if I had been told that it was better for the baby. We went to all the educational games in the area, read all the books, learned rhymes, sculpted, painted on the walls and on the floor, and all the vital baby rituals, such as hardening, massage, gymnastics, etc., were performed strictly according to the schedule.
At the same time, I almost stopped all feedback with my clients, and even with friends, justifying myself by the fact that the family comes first, I have no time to talk on the phones with my girlfriends. Now I understand that it was the syndrome of the eternal excellent student, it was necessary to get an A in the subject of “home economics” and “motherhood”. But therein lies the failure! I paused all my spheres of life and began to dissolve into someone else's ...
The desire to be a good mother suppressed my individuality, and my personality disappeared into the family - it became not as important as it used to be. At first, this caused a certain revolt of the brains and resistance, but in the end, in the absence of resources for the fight, it led to complete apathy. All the former “I want” have lost their meaning, the desire to please oneself is hidden deep, only “Tyzhemat” remains. There was no longer a race for selfish well-being, and it became unclear how to live further in pleasure and for yourself, when there are no words I WANT.
Sometimes, of course, I got tired and I wanted to speak in court again, catch admiring glances, lose 10 kg, and right away! But I found an excellent excuse for myself - I didn’t have time, “Tyzhemat” came out again: you need to invent leisure time for your child, disassemble Lego so that he again collects these cubes and develops correctly, go to the circus, take a walk, tell what theater is, teach him to ride on bike, and also read a couple of books about which diaper is better, how to raise a boy, learn new nursery rhymes, fairy tales and lullabies, and more, and more, and more.
Nothing could make me get out of this comfort zone: no financial crisis in the family, no extra pounds, no moving to a new apartment in the city center, not even cheating on her husband. I completely immersed myself in my child and lived only his life.
But every mother ever faces a choice: a career or conscious motherhood. Probably, someone knows how to successfully combine this, but I'm not one of those mothers who can turn on a cartoon for a child, but go about their own business. Despite the fact that I considered motherhood to be the main purpose of a woman, I used to be sure that this is a temporary period in my life, and thanks to the fact that I have a free practice as a lawyer, I can return to it at any time.
And now the child is three years old, it's time to take him to kindergarten, and go to work herself. But I began to feel that I had lost the pace of life, could not accelerate, force myself to get up early, go on a diet, play sports, call clients, and even just meet old friends. It’s necessary to put on makeup, get dressed, leave the house, keep up small talk, share news, which, by the way, I didn’t have.
It turned out that my maternity three years turned into an eternity. I felt trapped: on the one hand, I did not aspire to my pre-decree life, on the other, I did not see my future. I began to feel like an old woman ... I looked at young 20-year-old girls, remembered myself, and it seemed to me that this was the end, life had already passed, and I would not get out of the decree. My life no longer belongs to me, all the time is spent only on the family and the child. There is no desire and time to take care of yourself, go for a manicure, pedicure, and even just do your own hair just like that, not to mention self-development and self-realization ...
When they told me about the development of depression and the feeling of loneliness after the birth of children, I did not understand: what is loneliness? First, when? And secondly, on the contrary, now I will definitely never be alone, I will always be with me little man- my son. It turned out that there was depression, and some more. Behind the euphoria of new sensations, you don’t notice how you find yourself at the cliff, and only when everything calms down, you remember this moment and understand: then you could really jump ...
During this time, the only entertainment “for myself” was keeping a diary: I wrote down all the negativity in it so as not to transfer it to communication with the child. When I wrote, there was such an inexhaustible stream of thoughts on paper, as if I had long wanted to speak out, but either I couldn’t, or I didn’t know how. I wrote more and more often about “laziness”, “dislike of myself”, “resentment”, “fatigue”, “loss of the meaning of life”, etc. At some point, I became scared - "loss of the meaning of life"? How can it be? I have Small child, which I want and must do the most happy man on the ground. It was terrible.
I decided that I needed to urgently change something, but every time an introvert woke up in me, who incredibly coexisted with a procrastinating perfectionist who said: “It’s better to do well, but never, than somehow today.” I started postponing everything.
Perhaps it is easier for mothers working in a corporation to return to an existing job, but I had to build everything anew. I looked at myself from the outside: an organic mother, like a fish without water, locked with a child in a golden cage in the center of a metropolis, where there is nothing to breathe, no desire to communicate with the world, think about happiness and enjoy life. I wanted to cry. But how could I? I have a “perfect life”, “perfect child”, “perfect husband”. I'm not the first and I won't be the last. Some give birth without husbands, without support, someone has difficult births, sleepless children, but I didn’t have any problems. Internal conflict associated with the impossibility of realizing one's Self, one's independence and freedom? “Yes, you’re just mad with fat,” my conscience said. There was a whole House of Soviets in my head! It was necessary to open and gut this locked, heavy chest that I had become.
I stood in front of the mirror and looked myself straight in the eyes. Who am I becoming? What example am I setting for my child, the biggest critic of my life? If the mother is beautiful, then his eyes will see beauty in front of him, if the mother is successful, he will have an object of imitation and aspiration in front of him. Suddenly I realized: when the child is 6-10 years old, he will no longer need such a mother-hen and a housewife, and even who has lost the meaning of life. The child will want to be proud of his mother. And at his 20 years old, I should become “less”. Who will need me then?
Mom should be in her place and at her time. It helped me to make the final and right decision about leaving maternity leave. I realized that if I don't start constructing my own reality,
no one will do it for me, and I decided to write a plan for getting out of the decree.
Firstly, it was necessary to calm down, stop the rebellion of the brains and think about how to arrange your realization in society, but without the former fanaticism, in order to maintain contact with the child.
Secondly, I started to ground my spirituality: I made a list of motivating books for women, a list of inspiring films, updated my music playlist.
Then I signed up for a spa and a pool to assess the extent of the defeat of my physical training and motivate myself for sports. This is the best way to make me get up off the couch and go for a run every night, although I have never done this before, and even in winter!
I have incorporated early 5 am wake-ups into my life, thanks to which I have time only for myself: to be alone, in silence, visualize myself at work, at a conference, at TEDx, do affirmations and everyday planning to overcome myself.
I took my son to kindergarten. It was still a test, and more for me than for him. I should have let him go. Thanks to my son for being ready for this!
I rebuilt my client list and started writing legal articles. I signed up for speed reading courses, a course for conscious writing by E. Inozemtseva, in order to swing my brains in the right direction.
Of course, I sometimes still start my early mornings with hang-ups when I look at the sleeping baby and rejoice at the opportunity not to take him to kindergarten, but I have learned to stop in time and pull myself together. Too many changes have taken place during these maternity three years of life to compare the level of happiness BEFORE the birth of a son and AFTER. It's like two different lives.
I changed the monotony of everyday life, which turned pre-maternity hyperbole into straight lines, I left my comfort zone and re-learned to be happy for myself now, and not “when I put my child on my feet, start eating right, go in for sports, go to work, update my wardrobe” etc., no, exactly HERE and right NOW!
And most importantly, I realized that all techniques do not work without practice. To change something, you need to act, you need to take not only the first step, but also the second, and the third, and every next one. To change something, you need to take and change! And right now!
12th Feb 2018
Once upon a time, the main purpose of a woman was to create a family, give birth to children, take care of the house and family. The standard of a happy life was a married woman who lives in a comfortable house, runs the household, obeys her husband and brings up children. Girls were prepared for such a life from birth, and when a child was born, the young mother was ready for him and knew what to do with him, how to live on and who to turn to for advice and help.
Now we live in a world where women take an active social position and the role of wife and mother is not the ultimate dream. girls get a good education, find their calling, achieve success and a high position in society, attend many exciting activities and events. In general, they do not sit still and do not wait for the betrothed in order to have a baby as soon as possible. After marriage, life does not slow down, but continues at the same rhythm. Thanks to modern technology household chores do not take up much time (read my article on In addition, in many families household chores are divided between spouses so that both can enjoy life.
But happy changes took place in the life of a young family, and a charming baby was born. So small, delicate and incredibly cute. It seems to the young mother that she could forever look at his charming face, finding familiar features, cooing, catching tiny fingers and enjoying this native lump. After a very short period of time, she realizes that the moon has two sides. In addition to the fact that you can play with a child and enjoy unique moments, you need to take care of him, feed him, take care of him. And all this almost no sleep not to mention showers, time for yourself, hobbies. The first months the baby takes absolutely all the time of the young mother, while still need to find time for her husband and household chores. If you are still horrified by the new role of a mother for yourself, I strongly advise you to read an article about. Believe me, following these tips helped me not go crazy during this difficult time!
It is good if there is an opportunity to hire a nanny, a housekeeper or receive regular help from relatives. But often a young mother is left alone with the child, while making all the important decisions on raising and caring for him. In this case, the woman forgets about herself and completely dissolves in the child, being 24 hours a day only mom. Fortunately, the baby is growing quickly and after six months it becomes possible to find time for yourself while the little one is busy exploring the world around him (the technique will help you with this). But this is where the main problem arises. Over the past months, the woman has dealt with all the difficult moments of motherhood, chose the right way of upbringing for herself, became an excellent mother and ... completely forgot about herself as a person. Worries about a child absorb headlong, and if at the same time the circle of communication narrows to relatives and other mothers on the street, then it becomes very difficult to go beyond the boundaries of motherhood and remember that somewhere there is a huge world full of opportunities and interesting events.
Devoting all of herself to a growing child, a woman ceases to feel like a woman, not just a mother. As a result, she feels constant fatigue, irritability, dissatisfaction with life. And an unhappy mother is an unhappy baby, an unhappy family. That is why it is important to be able to find time for yourself on maternity leave, and not wait until the child grows up, goes to the garden, and then it will be possible to return to work and to ordinary life like before. But this is a delusion. A child is forever. And at any age, their problems that mom will need to solve. You should not hope that when the child grows up, the mother will be able to do whatever she wants: sleep as much as she wants, suddenly leave on a short trip light, arrange a spontaneous romantic evening with her husband, devote herself to self-realization and favorite work for days. All this will become possible only when the child grows up to 14 years old. But you will not wait so many years to start living for yourself? So you can forget all your goals and interests.
All that needs to be done is accept your life as it is now. Accept your addiction, lack of free time, isolation from outside world. After that, you need to remember all your interests, and choose the most important and favorite of them. Something that brings joy and fills with energy. And then find time in your life for yourself. Even if it seems that there is no time, it is. Let even a few minutes. Just don't rely on your husband. In the evenings after work, he has little time left until the end of the day, and it is better to spend it all together. Weekends are better filled with quality spending time together, and if you manage to make time for yourself, then let it be a nice bonus. It is important to learn how to live full life together with the child, otherwise everything will come down to the fact that the mother will only wait for the baby to fall asleep or for the time being taken by the father or grandmother.
It may seem impossible at first, but nothing is impossible, there is something difficult to do. For example, if a woman likes to visit interesting places and events, this can easily be done with a child. True, it is important to find a compromise, and choose the place where it will be interesting for both her and the child. You will also have to prepare well: take enough things with you, water, food, choose the right time so that the baby is not tired, or, conversely, sleeps. Of course, attending events and festivals with a child is difficult, much more difficult than without it. But on the other hand, there are many advantages: this event will add variety to everyday life, fill you with a sense of pride in yourself, for being able to cope on your own, bring mother and baby closer, have a beneficial effect on the development of a child of any age, give a lot of positive emotions. You won’t make such forays into the world every day, but from time to time you can afford it. In addition, each time everything will be easier and easier.
If mom creative person and loves to draw, play musical instruments, sculpt or dance, then it’s even easier to find an opportunity to include these things in your life with your child. The kid will be delighted with such activities with his mother. True, it is worth adjusting your actions to the child, but if there is no task to create a masterpiece, but there is a goal to have a good time, then everything will work out!
Practically any activities you can do with your child: inventing stories, cooking unusual dishes, organizing holidays (although at first they may have to be organized for toys), playing sports, cycling, spending time in nature, taking pictures, shooting your movie on your phone, designing, blogging, etc. . One has only to present it to the child as a game and not try to achieve significant results at first. Doing what you love is just for the sake of it. If you want to be inspired, check out my article about how much you can do with a baby in your arms!
In conclusion, I would like to say that a child does not come into the world of a woman in order to be a hindrance to everything and take everything familiar and interesting from her. He comes to show who she really is and what really matters to her. Motherhood is a new stage of development, and it depends only on you how much you can see the opportunities that open up and take advantage of them. Flexibility in any situation, concentration on the process, not on the result, and most importantly - the desire to live a full life with a child, will help you feel successful and happy and will not allow you to lose yourself either on maternity leave or after it.
Maternity leave is full of pitfalls. You no longer belong to yourself. A small bundle of happiness requires attention, care, warmth. I want to give him all the time, all the tenderness and all the love. And you give. Dissolve in the flow of feeding-diapers-washing-cleaning-walks. Mom on maternity leave does not notice how she stops paying attention to her appearance, development, relationship with her husband. And then a strange sad aunt looks out of the mirror. If you managed to avoid such a spectacle, then accept sincere congratulations. If not, let's figure out together how to make the reflection still beautiful and the mind clear.
APPEARANCE
Makeup and hair
Why do mums on maternity leave stop looking after their appearance?
- No time.
It is difficult for a woman on maternity leave to find time for herself, but it is possible. Do you have half an hour on social networks, another episode of your favorite series or TV show? If yes, then don't say that there are no 15 minutes for makeup and hair.
- You don't have to go out to the public every day.
And the husband and child? Don't they deserve an attractive mom? Do not be lazy, because a well-groomed appearance adds self-confidence and improves mood.
How to find time for cosmetic procedures?
Divide beauty procedures into daily and those that you perform 1-3 times a week. Store your daily makeup in one place. This will save you time on self-care. Arrange procedures that are performed less frequently by day of the week. So you keep within a few minutes a day, but you will look well-groomed all the time. Mothers on maternity leave forget everything. Having thought over the plan of care for the face and body, write it down on a piece of paper. For example:
- Monday: hair care (mask);
- Tuesday: facial (scrub, mask);
- Wednesday: body care (scrub, moisturizing milk);
- Thursday: hair care (mask);
- Friday: hand care (bath, manicure);
- Saturday: foot care (heels, pedicure);
- Sunday: facial treatment (mask).
To control yourself, check the boxes next to the procedures performed throughout the week.
clothing
Let's think about clothes. If you're not going to compete in Miss Old Robe or Best Home Pants, then put them aside. Or throw it away altogether. Nobody asks you to dress like you would for work. But answer the question: is it nice for my husband to see me in a stretched old T-shirt? Look for a compromise: let the clothes be inexpensive, comfortable, but decent. This, by the way, depends on the mood.
Figure
Finding time for sports on maternity leave is not easy. Need an assistant in the person of the husband or grandmother of the baby. If there is no one to sit with the child while you are jogging or in the gym, then try to introduce 15 minutes of morning exercises into the daily routine.
MOTHER ON Maternity leave AND HOUSE
Taking care of children, cooking, washing and cleaning - mom will always find something to do on maternity leave. How can you make it here? You can, you just have to stop being a perfectionist.
- Cleaning like Flylady.
If the house where the child lives is always cleaned, something is wrong here. For women on maternity leave, Marla Seeley's Flylady system will come in handy. So, spending a few minutes a day cleaning one room, the house can be kept clean all the time.
- Delegation.
- Menu for the week.
On Sunday, make a menu for the next seven days. We know what a headache it is every day to think “What to cook?”. And with a plan, you will save time for more pleasant things and thoughts.
SELF DEVELOPMENT AND MAINTENANCE OF QUALIFICATIONS
Moms on maternity leave often notice "stupidity" behind them. Why is this happening? On parental leave, mom's thoughts are completely absorbed by the little creature. Hormones, there's nothing you can do about it. There is no time to read books, professional materials, or take courses. Yes, and do not want to. But you must.
For 2-3 years, a woman sitting at home with a baby is able to “blunt” her qualifications. We do not forget about changing legislation and market conditions. Almost a third of women in Ukraine after the end of parental leave for various reasons are forced to look for a new job. If you do not want to be among them, follow the news of the profession, subscribe to relevant mailing lists on the Internet, read literature. Take at least 10-15 minutes a day to maintain your qualifications - it will be much easier to get out of the decree.
On the other hand, if you didn’t really like your previous job, then maternity leave is just what the doctor ordered. The first months with a baby, learning new things is difficult. But, after all, you have almost three years! We remember childhood dreams and try ourselves in new roles. When, if not now!
In recent years, the global trend towards online learning has been gaining momentum in Ukraine. There are many platforms that offer courses on various topics for free - www.futurelearn.com, www.coursera.org, prometheus.org.ua and others. A mother on maternity leave can listen to lectures in her specialty, learn languages or learn a new profession without leaving home. Everything is on the Internet.
When? Again, it is not easy for mothers on maternity leave to find time for themselves. But how do you like the idea of recording a course of lectures or an interesting book on a smartphone and listening while walking with a sleeping baby in a stroller? And this is just one of the options.
COMMUNICATION
Friends are known ... on maternity leave. Yes, with a baby you automatically become an "uncomfortable" friend. Shopping is not the same anymore, it is difficult to find time for coffee, going to the movies is almost unrealistic. It's good when there is an opportunity to leave the baby to a grandmother or a nanny and unwind, but if there is none? Agree with your husband that once a week you can leave the house and spend time with your girlfriends. No contact with friends psychological condition Mom's getting worse, it's no secret.
By the way, about communication. What about a husband? A child needs parents who love not only him, but also each other. Talk to your husband about what worries you and spend time together. Maternity leave is a difficult time in the relationship between husband and wife. There are many reasons, but this is a topic for a separate article. remember, that native person also not easy.
And the last advice of the Cool mom is to find what makes you happy. There is no single recipe. Follow your desires, look for harmony and remember that happy children only come from happy parents.
The word “vacation” in itself evokes very pleasant associations. We assume that at this time it will be possible to have a good sleep, change the situation, do your favorite things, gain strength for future achievements. But on maternity leave, of course, pleasant and unforgettable impressions are waiting for us, but in no way connected with the rest. All new mothers complain about the lack of time for themselves, and the expression “I don’t belong to myself” is in the air. In addition, the husband demands attention and unconsciously (or not so much) is jealous that the child is given more attention than him. His gaze with a mute reproach "Baby, what about me?" speaks for itself.
I don’t like it when blogs and chats try to intimidate young mothers that surviving childbirth and the postpartum period means going through all the circles of hell. As they say, "You won't sell an elephant with such a mood." Of course, everything is not as simple as it seems, and behind beautiful cute little things and tiny socks, there are many tests for a young mother. Responsibility, patience, kindness are only part of the qualities that the status of a mother requires from us. And you can look at the decree as a way to get to know yourself better and reveal your femininity. At the same time, it is desirable that this role does not cross out all the others and, besides being a mother, you could also remember that you are a beloved woman / successful manager / athlete / laugher / continue on your own.
shutr.bz1. Adjusting expectations
Let's start our list of "How not to lose yourself on maternity leave" from the preparatory stage, when you fantasize about how it will all be with a round tummy. Fortunately, my work is connected with communication with young children and their parents. I have the opportunity to observe how relationships with children develop depending on the expectations of the latter. If they were waiting for the child to be born and make them happy, then it is much more difficult for them to come to terms with bad behavior or whims of a child. Let me explain what I mean: if you lack joy even before the birth of a child, if you think that the baby will bring new acquaintances into your life, take your time and help realize all your unfulfilled dreams, then you can easily be disappointed if you do not receive desired. Firstly, it is absolutely not a fact that the baby will do what you want, and secondly, you are already planning to change your life to a more interesting one with a child.
2. Find yourself before motherhood
As you may have noticed, in the previous block, I hinted that many of us ourselves seek to lose ourselves and merge with our son or daughter. In psychology, such relationships are called symbiotic. Of course, in the first years of life, a child needs constant care and attention, but if you see in him the embodiment of your hopes, it will be difficult for you to let go of the child at the right time. By the way, it is excessive merging with children that leads to reproaches for their ingratitude and callousness when they want to live their own lives, and not listen to parental advice. Therefore, if you are planning a child, it is better to choose a time when everything is smooth and stable in your relationship with your husband and in the field of personal growth.
3. Learning to delegate responsibilities
The ability to ask for help and time management skills during the decree will be useful to you more than ever. Husband, girlfriends, relatives, nannies - they can all help you not go crazy from a constant string of diapers, feedings and baby crying.
This does not mean that you should completely shift the responsibilities onto the shoulders of others. But to refuse help and take everything on your shoulders is also not worth it. And the received windows can be spent with benefit for yourself, as you see it: fitness, relaxation, cosmetic procedures. Don't forget about your body appearance. Remember that the baby feels your mood, and if you are pleased with yourself, it will also benefit him.
4. Take care of your area of interest
Immersion in mommy literature will certainly bring a lot useful information, but do not miss the moment when this becomes the only topic of your intellectual searches. Analyze your day: if all 24 hours revolve only around what, how and where with the baby (not counting the first month of life), then you are on a dangerous path. Did our mothers cope with us, who did not have the Internet and Dr. Komarovsky, but only a book by Benjamin Spock? While the little one is sleeping, you can find time for what you were interested in before you became a mother.
5. Make plans for the future
Enjoying the moments while your miracle is very tiny, you can think about what will happen after the decree. In general, you can build a framework for how long you plan to be on parental leave and how you see your future career and personal growth. Perhaps you need new skills? With the advent of learning platforms such as Coursera, Prometheus and many others, you can master the subject of interest without leaving your home and absolutely free of charge.
6. Introduce a child into your life
Children are, of course, changes, but you don’t have to completely change your life and refuse to communicate with friends, walks and interesting events. Positive changes in the perception of couples with children in society are evident: almost any cafe, restaurant has a children's area or some kind of activity for children. You can comfortably and interestingly spend time at art picnics, exhibitions, and you do not have to deny yourself this. Basically, the limitations in our head: anxiety, fear, worries prevent us from being easier to relate to many situations. Many of my friends travel calmly with small children and are open to new experiences with them.
Look for harmony and balance between your missions of Woman, Wife and Mother, and everything in your life will be perfect! And if you're having trouble, ask for advice.