Receptions and techniques of listening psychology of communication. Active listening techniques
Probably, everyone in life has had situations when you informed a person about something important, significant for you, and realized that they did not hear you, they did not listen. Why? A person sits opposite, looks at you, and you get the impression that he seems to be “not here”. Remember your state, your feelings at the same time. Most likely, you lost all desire not only to share something with him, but also to speak in general. And in my heart there was a state of depression and discomfort. This is because we do not always know how to listen. What then is listening really and why is it necessary at all?
Hearing - this is a process during which invisible connections are established between people, a feeling of mutual understanding arises, which makes the communication process more effective.
Listening can be passive or active.
At passive listening it is difficult for us to understand whether the interlocutor perceives our speech. At the same time, there are no mimic or physical reactions to the information received. It seems that the interlocutor only looks at us, but thinks about his own. The feeling of not being included in the process.
Active listening helps to understand, evaluate and remember the information received from the interlocutor. In addition, the use of active listening techniques can encourage the interlocutor to respond, direct the conversation in the right direction and contribute to a better understanding and correct interpretation of the information received from the interlocutor during your communication. This is especially important when negotiating and communicating with victims in the emergency zone.
According to one very common myth, the ability to listen is a skill that, like the skill of breathing, a person receives at birth and then uses throughout his life. This is wrong. Active listening can be learned, and the ability to listen is a more useful skill than the ability to speak eloquently and persuasively. If you skillfully ask questions, but do not know how to listen to the answers, then the price of such communication is small.
CONCLUSION: Thus, we can say with confidence that the ability to hear and be heard is important not only in our everyday life, but also directly in our work. For example, in the shortest possible time of dialogue with the victims, collect the most significant information for us (including information about the whereabouts of other victims). And this skill needs to be developed.
The process of listening itself is of two kinds: passive and active. With passive listening, it is difficult for the interlocutor to understand whether you hear him or not, since this type implies dim, meager emotions, which means little involvement in the communication process. The method of active listening appeared as a technology of communication as a result of the analysis of the behavior of people who have the ability to achieve from the interlocutor during the conversation desired results. For example, in order to correctly understand the information told to you, quickly isolate what you need from the conversation, and also be able to be a grateful listener with whom you want to communicate. When working with victims, these skills are especially important. Any information coming from the victim can significantly reduce the time to search for the rest (in the case of working with an eyewitness of the incident), as well as understand the feelings, anxieties and fears of a person with subsequent prediction of the dynamics of his condition (possible occurrence of acute stress reactions, or a high probability of the formation of an active crowds).
There are several active listening techniques that you can use to show interest and involvement in the conversation with the victim.
Active listening is a process in which the listener not only perceives information from the interlocutor, but also actively shows understanding of this information. Sometimes you can also call it a type of active listening.
- echo technique is a repetition individual words or phrases of the client without any changes.
- Clarification- not always in the story a person describes all the details of events or experiences. Ask to clarify everything, even the smallest details.
- pauses When the person finishes speaking, pause. It gives the opportunity to think, comprehend, realize, add something to the story.
- Perception message- in other words, this is an opportunity to inform the interlocutor that you understood what he said to you, his emotions and state. “I understand how upset and hurt you are now. I want to cry and be pitied."
- Development of thought- the implementation of an attempt to pick up and move forward the course of the main idea or thought of the interlocutor.
- Perception message- The listener tells his interlocutor about what impression he made during the conversation. For example, “You are talking about things that are very important to you”
- Reflection of feelings- an expression of the interlocutor's emotional position based on the listener's observations not only of what the communicator says, but also of what his body expresses "I see that you care about it ..."
- Self-perception message- the listener informs his interlocutor about how his state has changed as a result of hearing "I was hurt by your words"
- Notes on the course of the conversation- the listener reports how the conversations as a whole can be comprehended. “Look, we have reached a common understanding of the problem”
- Summary- carrying out intermediate results of what was said by the interlocutor in the course of his monologue “So, we discussed the following with you: ...”
Active listening techniques in the table
Active Listening |
Target |
Characteristics |
uh-huh - assent | make it clear to the interlocutor that they are listening | head nods "yes", "uh-huh", "yeah" |
pause | help the interlocutor gather his thoughts and speak out to the end | timely silence |
closed questions | obtaining consent or confirmation of a previously reached agreement | questions that require "yes" or "no" answers |
open questions | getting as much information from the interlocutor as possible | questions: “how”, “what”, “when”, etc. |
paraphrasing | enable the speaker to see that he is understood correctly | phrases: "in other words…" "If I understand you correctly, then..." |
summary | highlighting the main idea (without accompanying emotions) from what the interlocutor has already said | phrases: "Thus…" “To sum up what has been said, then…” |
- "Uh-huh" - assent.
This is the simplest active listening technique. Any person uses it almost intuitively. During a conversation, it is recommended to periodically nod your head, say “yes”, “uh-huh”, “yeah”, etc. By doing this, you let the interlocutor know that you are listening to him and are interested in him. For example, when you talk about something on the phone, the use of such techniques by the interlocutor let you know that you are being listened to. Silence, throughout the story, would make you doubt that your partner is interested in your information.
- Pause.
It is necessary in a conversation in order to help the interlocutor speak out to the end. Firstly, a person often needs time to formulate his thoughts and feelings, and secondly, pauses free the conversation from unnecessary and unnecessary information. For example, when telling a story, a person is likely to imagine it. And, in order to translate the figurative representation into a verbal story, it is necessary to choose the right words. And pauses here are a necessary means of "transformation" of the image into a word.
- Features of the formulation of questions.
There are two types of questions: closed and open.
Closed questions are appropriate not when you want to get as much information from the interlocutor as possible, but when you need to speed up obtaining consent or confirmation of a previously reached agreement, confirm or refute your assumptions. Questions of this type means answers: "yes" or "no". For example, you can cite such questions: “Have you eaten today?”, “Are you healthy?”, “Have you been here long?” "Were you alone?" and so on.
Open questions characterized by the fact that they cannot be answered "yes" or "no". They require some kind of explanation. Usually they begin with the words: “what”, “who”, “how”, “how much”, “why”, “what is your opinion”. With questions of this type, you allow the interlocutor to maneuver, and the conversation - to move from a monologue to a dialogue. These types of questions may include the following: “What did you eat today?”, “How do you feel?”, “How long have you been here?”.
- Paraphrasing.
This is a formulation of the same thought, but in different words. Paraphrasing enables the speaker to see that they are being understood correctly. And if not, he has the opportunity to make adjustments in time. When paraphrasing, focus on the meaning and content of the message, and not on the emotions that accompany it.
Paraphrasing can begin with the following phrases:
- "If I understand you correctly, then ...";
- "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you say that...";
– “In other words, do you think that…”;
This technique is appropriate when the speaker has logically completed one of the fragments of the story and is gathering his thoughts to continue. Do not interrupt him until the fragment of the story is finished.
For example, your interlocutor says that he somehow came home tired, put down his briefcase and took off his shoes, and when he went into the room, he saw a pot of flowers there, broken and lying on the floor, and his beloved cat was sitting next to him, but he I decided not to punish her, although I was very upset. In this case, the paraphrasing technique can be used like this: if I understood you correctly, then when you came home, you saw a broken pot of flowers and your cat next to you. But, despite the fact that you were upset by what you saw, you decided not to punish your pet.
- Summary.
This technique summarizes the main ideas and feelings. This is, as it were, a conclusion from everything that has already been said by man. The summarizing phrase is the speech of the interlocutor in a "curtailed" form. This technique of active listening is fundamentally different from paraphrasing, the essence of which, as you remember, is to repeat the opponent’s thoughts, but in your own words (which shows the interlocutor our attention and understanding). When summarizing from the whole part of the conversation, only the main idea for which phrases such as:
- “Your main idea, as I understand it, is that ...”;
- "To summarize what has been said, then ...".
For example, your boss told you that, "due to the fact that relations with colleagues from Italy have become tense and may threaten a conflict, you need to go on a business trip to negotiate, establish relations with them and try to conclude a contract." Here, the summary technique would sound like this: “to summarize what has been said, you are asking me to go to Italy in order to establish contact with colleagues and conclude an agreement with them.”
The group is divided into threes. The first person of the three tells the story, the second listens using active listening techniques, the third observes and gives feedback about how it looked from the outside. At the end of the work, each of the three parties shares their feelings. After all the triplets have finished the exercise, a group discussion is held.
Was it hard to listen? Why? What hindered?
- Was it easy, was it pleasant to tell?
What techniques did you use to show the speaker that you were listening and understanding?
-Which technique was the most difficult for you?
Did the speaker have the feeling of being "heard"?
- rapport(emphasis on the second syllable).
Rapport includes "attaching" to a person through certain "channels": by intonation, by the rate of speech and by breathing.
- joining by intonation;
The same words, pronounced with different intonations, are capable of conveying different meanings, up to the opposite ones. Even the simplest word "yes" with different intonation can carry a denial. Intonation is able to convey deep emotions (sadness, pity, tender feelings, etc.) and various states (indifference, curiosity, peace, anger, anxiety, etc.). Therefore, in order to be understood correctly, it is very important to keep track of your own intonation.
For example, the phrase "I'm glad to see you" with different intonation can have different meanings. In one case, we understand that the person is sincerely glad to see us, and in the other, that this phrase was said only out of politeness.
When communicating with the victim, joining by intonation sometimes gives a colossal result, there is a kind of identification of him and you, an impression is created of kinship, similarity, understanding of the state of the victim, which in to a large extent facilitates further interaction with him.
- joining according to the pace of speech;
The pace includes the speed of speech as a whole, the duration of the sound of individual words and pauses.
Too fast speech can indicate excitement and high internal tension, even some kind of nervousness. Too slow and sluggish speech may indicate a depressive, apathetic state of a person. But in order to determine what state our interlocutor actually prevails at the moment, this factor alone is not enough, since for some people, due to temperament, a fast or slow pace of speech is everyday. If the victim’s speech is very fast, we can gradually, slowing down our pace, somewhat reduce nervousness and internal stress opponent.
- connection by breathing.
By “joining” the interlocutor’s breathing, on the one hand, it is much easier to talk at the same pace with the interlocutor (since the rate of speech depends on the breath), and on the other hand, it becomes possible to change it emotional condition, changing both the pace and his breathing. For example, an angry friend who is outraged by something bursts in on you. His speech is fast, his breathing is rapid. And in this situation, in order to get the feeling that you hear a person and understand his feelings, it is necessary, having joined him both emotionally and by the frequency of breathing, to conduct a dialogue with him. After you understand that the interaction has occurred, you need to reduce the frequency of your breathing and reduce the emotional background of speech. After a while, you will see that your interlocutor is talking to you in the same mode.
- Reflection of feelings, empathy.
The concept of "empathy" means the ability of a person to experience those emotions that arise in another person in the process of communicating with him. This is the ability to imagine yourself in the place of another and understand his feelings, desires, ideas and actions.
To establish effective interaction, it is necessary to use the technique of "reflection of feelings", and then the conversation becomes more sincere, a feeling of understanding and empathy is created, and the interlocutor has a desire to continue contact. Reception of "reflection of feelings" includes two directions:
- a reflection of the feelings of the interlocutor.
When you name the feelings that a person is experiencing, understand him and “fall into” his feelings, your interlocutor feels a “kinship of souls”, begins to trust you more and communication moves to a qualitatively new level.
- reflection of their feelings;
Talking about your feelings can solve several problems at once. First, negative feelings and experiences can be significantly reduced by the very fact that these feelings are voiced. Secondly, the conversation itself becomes more sincere. And, thirdly, it encourages the interlocutor to openly express his feelings.
In the process of listening, it is important not to forget about the voice characteristics of a person who experiences a state of anxiety or nervous tension during a conversation.
These characteristics can be:
- unexpected spasms of the voice - which may indicate internal tension;
- frequent coughing - can tell us about deceit, self-doubt, anxiety. But we must not forget that coughing can be the result of respiratory diseases, such as bronchitis;
- sudden laughter inappropriate to the moment - can characterize tension, lack of control over what is happening.
All these features, of course, must be taken into account in a conversation, but do not forget that each person and his reaction is individual and does not always mean the same thing.
– Remember if there were such cases in your experience, where would your interpretation of the state of a person based on external signs, was wrong?
– What did it lead to?
– How could you take into account such external manifestations in your work?
Like any other method, active listening has its pitfalls, the so-called common mistakes.
Let's consider some of them:
- desire to give advice;
- Willingness to ask clarifying questions.
The first can be dangerous in that a person, after listening to your advice, may “work” psychological defense mechanisms.
Resulting in:
- firstly, the person is likely to reject the advice you offer (no matter how good it is), or the responsibility for the decision will fall on you;
- secondly, the destruction of an already established contact is possible.
Asking a lot of clarifying questions is also not recommended for the following reasons:
- firstly, there is a great danger of taking the conversation far enough away from the topic that concerns a person;
- secondly, by asking questions, you take responsibility for the conversation, talk a lot yourself, instead of giving your interlocutor (the victim) the opportunity to speak.
How to understand if the method of active listening helped in the work?
There are some indicators that determine the success of using this method in a conversation:
- Progress in solving the problem of the interlocutor.
A person, speaking out, begins to see possible ways out of a problem situation.
- Visible decrease in the intensity of negative experiences.
The rule here is that grief, shared with someone, becomes twice as easy, and joy becomes twice as much. If a person begins to talk more about himself or about a problem that interests him, this is another indicator of the effectiveness of active listening.
LISTEN TO YOUR INTERVIEWERS!!!
Here is a short video clip with an example (a little humor). Active listening techniques from 0:40 seconds
The concept of listening in communication
Successful communication requires not only mastering speech activity but also be able to listen.
Listening and speaking are two significant competency skills in verbal communication.
Definition 1
Listening is the process of concentrated perception of visual and auditory stimuli, attributing meaning to them. Active listening involves focusing, understanding, remembering, evaluating and responding.
Concentration is the process of perceiving choice and focusing on certain stimuli from all huge amount reaching our senses.
Understanding- this is a clear decoding of information that comes from outside, by assigning the correct meaning to it, that is, understanding it in the same conceptual categories.
Analysis or critical listening This is the process of establishing how true and truthful the information that has been heard is considered.
Responding implies the corresponding reaction of the listener at the non-verbal and verbal levels of communication.
Responding at an empathic level gives people information about themselves, their behavior, approves, supports, reassures.
If hearing is a physical process, which is determined by the action of sound waves on the eardrum, and takes place without much mental effort, then listening (effective listening) is a difficult process of perception, comprehension, understanding, structuring and memorizing incoming information, in which the whole person takes part person.
Remark 1
Listening is considered a fundamental skill that affects the quality of relationships in daily communication, effective mutual understanding and interaction. At the same time, many people actually do not know how to listen.
The ability to listen to people is formed differently. Research in this area shows that on average the time of our communication with others is distributed as follows: about 42-53% of the time we listen to other people, 16-32% - we talk ourselves, 15-17% - we receive information by reading, 9-14% - we write. As you can see from the above figures, the ability to listen, how the method of perceiving information is used in communication much more often than the ability to write and read together, which means that mastering such a skill is necessary for every person.
Remark 2
Most people rate their listening skills at 70-80%. Yet studies show that in fact, the effectiveness of listening for many people is only 25%, i.e. three-quarters of the messages that are heard are lost.
The following types of listening can be distinguished: passive listening, active listening, empathic listening, critical listening.
Active listening
Definition 2
Active listening is a process in which the listener not only receives information from the interlocutor, but also actively presents an understanding of this information.
Active listening can help:
- direct the conversation in the right direction;
- choose questions that will give you the opportunity to get the necessary answers;
- correctly and correctly understand the interlocutor.
Since the tools and elements of active listening contain various methods and principles, especially effective results can be achieved by applying both methods and principles of active listening at the same time.
The main techniques of active listening are summarized in the following points:
- clarification;
- retelling (paraphrase);
- repetition (echo);
- pauses.
Clarification translates to the fact that you ask a person a question in the event that something is unclear to you. In another way, it can also be called clarification.
The retelling gives the one who tells the opportunity to hear from the outside his own speech through the lips of another person.
Repeating phrases of the interlocutor also provides an opportunity to build a good conversation. In this case, the listener, like an echo, repeats with the intonation of the question the end of the narrator's sentences. This has an effect similar to refinement.
Pauses are also considered tools that can favorably influence a conversation.
IN general meaning, active listening makes it possible to establish contact with the interlocutor and get the necessary information from him.
passive listening
Passive listening is considered more global and differs in other ways. The presented type of listening is also called differently - non-reflective listening.
The method of empathic listening allows a person to naturally show emotions, open up to a psychologist or an ordinary interlocutor. Generally, there are three stages in empathic listening:
- support - an opportunity is given to speak out, to show one's own reaction;
- clarification - has great importance make sure that you correctly understood the words and emotions of the interlocutor;
The following types of listening can be distinguished: reflective (active), non-reflexive (passive), empathic.
non-reflexive(passive) listening is the ability to be attentively silent without interfering with the speech of the interlocutor with your remarks. Listening of this kind is especially useful when the interlocutor shows such deep feelings as anger or grief, is eager to express his point of view, wants to discuss pressing issues. Answers during non-reflective listening should be kept to a minimum: “Yes!”, “Continue”, “Interesting”, etc.
In business, as in any other communication, a combination of non-reflective and reflective listening is important.
reflexive(active) listening is the process of deciphering the meaning of messages. Reflexive answers help to find out the real meaning of the message, among which there are clarification, paraphrasing, reflection of feelings and summarizing.
Finding out is an appeal to the speaker for clarification using key phrases such as: “I did not understand”, “What do you mean?, Please clarify this”, etc.
Paraphrasing - the speaker's own wording of the message to check its accuracy. Key phrases: “As I understand you…”, “Do you think that…”, “In your opinion…”
At reflection of feelings the emphasis is on the listener reflecting the emotional state of the speaker with the help of phrases: “You probably feel ...”, “You are somewhat upset ...”, etc.
At summarizing the main ideas and feelings of the speaker are summarized, for which the phrases are used: “Your main ideas, as I understand it, are ...”, “If you now summarize what you said, then ...” Summarizing is appropriate in situations when discussing disagreements at the end of a conversation, during a long discussion of the issue, at the end of the conversation.
Must be avoided common listening mistakes among which are the following.
interruption interlocutor during his message. Most people interrupt each other unconsciously. Managers often interrupt subordinates, and men - women. When interrupting, you need to try to immediately restore the train of thought of the interlocutor.
Quickly conclusions force the interlocutor to take a defensive position, which immediately erects a barrier to constructive communication.
Hasty objections often arise when disagreeing with the statements of the speaker. Often a person does not listen, but mentally formulates an objection and waits for the turn to speak. Then he gets carried away justifying his point of view and does not notice that the interlocutor tried to say the same thing.
Unsolicited advice usually given by people who are not able to provide real help. First of all, you need to establish what the interlocutor wants: to think together or to receive specific help.
Active listening techniques are constant clarifications of the correct understanding of the information that the interlocutor wants to convey to you by asking clarifying questions: “Did I understand you correctly that ...?”, “Thus, you want to say ...” or “In other words, you meant...". The use of such simple communication techniques allows you to achieve two goals at once:
1. Adequate feedback is provided, your interlocutor has a feeling that the information transmitted by him is correctly understood.
2. You indirectly inform the interlocutor that in front of him is not a child to whom you can point, and not a “dictaphone” into which you can dictate your thoughts and reasoning, but an equal partner. Occupation by you of an equal partner position means that both interlocutors must be responsible for their every word. This goal is achieved faster than the first, especially in those cases when you are dealing with an authoritarian, tough interlocutor who is used to communicating from a “pedestal” position. The use of active listening skills will greatly help you if you are in the “victim” position, as this application not only knocks you out of the usual position of an authoritarian interlocutor, but also raises you to the level of conversation on an equal footing, makes it possible to focus on the essential points of the conversation, and not on own experiences and fears.
Active listening is indispensable in business negotiations, in situations where your communication partner is equal to you or stronger than you, as well as in conflict situations when the interlocutor behaves aggressively or demonstrates his superiority. This is a very good way to calm down and tune in yourself (and set up your interlocutor) for a business wave, if you have a desire to tease your partner, develop the conflict that has begun.
A typical mistake people make when using active listening is to follow the rules in a purely formal way without really reflecting the content of the conversation. In such cases, a person asks the “necessary” question: “Did I understand you correctly that ....”, but, having not heard the answer, continues to develop his arguments in favor of his own point of view, actually ignoring the point of view of the interlocutor. Then such a person is surprised that the “active listening technique” does not work.
Empathic listening allows you to experience the feelings that the interlocutor is experiencing, reflect these feelings, understand the emotional state of the interlocutor and share it. With empathic listening, they do not give advice and assessments, they do not criticize, they do not teach. This is the secret of good listening—one that relieves the other person and opens up new ways to understand yourself.
You must have heard somewhere about active listening method, but, as is often the case, heard - but can not remember what the meaning is. Of course, there is nothing better than reading books on the subject, for example, K. Rogers "Counseling and Psychotherapy", Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter “Communicate with the child. How?", or T. Gordon "Training an effective parent." But if this is not possible, you can learn the method of active listening quickly and without spending time by reading this article.
A bit of history or who invented the method of active listening?
The method of active listening is a technique used in the practice of socio-psychological training, psychological counseling and psychotherapy to better understand psychological states, feelings, thoughts of the interlocutor with the help of special methods of participation in the conversation, implying the active expression of one's own experiences and considerations.
Where did this method come from? Active listening was developed by Carl Rogers.- American, humanistic psychotherapist. Initially, Rogers was interested in the problems of child psychology, which was reflected in his book Clinical Treatment of the Problem Child (1939). But his book is best known. "Counseling and Psychotherapy" where the Principles of Rogerian therapy are stated - this is an invaluable acceptance of the individual and his expressions, an open response. This book is the same useful for both the account manager and the parent.
“Four basic elements create the foundation of a profitable and meaningful relationship: the constant fulfillment of obligations, the expression of feelings, the absence of specific roles, the ability to participate in inner life another."
The essence of the method of active listening in communication with the child
To briefly characterize this method: you need to listen and hear more than you are told, directing the interlocutor in the right direction with short phrases. The child should not just speak out, you invisibly participate in his monologue, with simple phrases and repetitions of his own words, only in other words, direct his thoughts towards the analysis of the situation. This accessible and simple method is often referred to as − empathic listening. The main thing is to be able at the moment of listening step back from your own thoughts, feelings, and judgments. This is very important key point- you should not at the moment of active listening express your own thoughts, express your assessments of this or that event or act of the child. It is from the desire to express one's opinion, to impose one's point of view, to express an assessment of the event - it is so difficult for most parents to refuse. But if you can restrain yourself, the result can exceed all your expectations.
“The father of a fifteen-year-old girl, returning from a parenting class where he was introduced to active listening, found his daughter in the kitchen chatting with her classmate. Teenagers in unflattering tones discussed the school. “I sat on a chair,” my father later said, “and decided to actively listen to them, no matter what it cost me. As a result, the guys talked without closing their mouths for two and a half hours, and during this time I learned more about my daughter's life than in the previous few years! - from book “Communicate with the child. How?".
A few simple rules for active listening
Included attention
Turn to face, make eye contact, do not ask questions when the child is upset (should be in the affirmative form of sentences).
Retelling what you heard in your own words
Express interest. You can repeat after the interlocutor (use other words with the same meaning), in this case after the child, the last words, or nod and pronounce interjections, short phrases: Yes, I understand, this is true, etc.
You can retell what you heard in your own words so that the child understands that you are really listening to him and to clarify whether you heard him correctly.
Daughter: I won't wear that awful skirt
Mother: you feel uncomfortable in it.
The usual reaction of the mother: stop it, it really suits you.
Affirmative Phrases
These are phrases that show that you hear and understand the child.
Son: I will no longer hang out with Petya!
Parent: You were offended by him.
Habitual reaction: Have a fight again?
The secret is that a phrase framed as a question does not reflect sympathy.
Often to the question: “What happened?” the upset child replies: “Nothing!”, and if you say: “Something happened ...”, then it can be easier for the child to start talking about what happened.
Hold a pause
Very important in a conversation "keep pause". The pause gives the child the opportunity to think, and the parent to step back from their thoughts, feelings, assessments and problems.
Label a feeling
In order for the child to become aware of his feelings, he needs help.
Daughter (with a gloomy look): I am no longer friends with Masha!
Mother: You don't want to play with her anymore. (Repetition of what was heard). (habitual reaction: Why?)
Daughter: Yes, I do not want ...
Mother (after a pause): You were offended by her ... (Designation of feelings).
After everything you have heard, it is permissible to express your feelings in relation to the subject of the conversation (It was unpleasant for you - it hurts me very much to hear it, etc.)
At the end of the conversation, you can summarize by asking questions: Did I understand correctly that ...? As a result, we can say that ..., As far as I understood it ..., it was about ..., As a result ....
An example of an active listening conversation
“... Mom puts four-year-old Masha to bed, and the girl asks to sit with her.
DAUGHTER: Mommy, well, a little more, well, a little bit!
MOM: Mashenka, it's already late, all the guys are sleeping.
DAUGHTER: All day alone and alone, I don’t want more!
MOM: You play in the garden with the guys all day ... (Recalls active listening.) You feel lonely ...
DAUGHTER: Yes, there are a lot of guys, but they don’t let mom into the garden.
MOM: You miss me.
DAUGHTER: I miss you, but Sasha Petrov is fighting.
MOM: You're angry with him.
DAUGHTER: He broke my game!
MOM: And you're upset...
DAUGHTER: No, I pushed him so as not to break him, and he punched me in the back.
MOM: It hurt... (Pause.)
DAUGHTER: It hurts, but you're gone!
MOM: You wanted your mother to take pity on you.
DAUGHTER: I wanted to go with you...
MOTHER: Let’s go… (Pause.) DAUGHTER: You promised to take Igor and I to the zoo, I’m still waiting, but you won’t take me!”
What interferes with active listening and what should be avoided in a conversation with a child
- orders, commands;
- warnings, warnings, threats;
- moralization, moralizing, preaching;
- ready-made advice and solutions;
- proofs, bringing logical arguments, reading notations, "lectures";
- criticism, reprimands, accusations;
- name-calling, insult, ridicule;
- use of guesswork, interpretation;
- inquiring, investigation;
- sympathy in words, persuasion, exhortation,
- joking, avoiding conversation.
As a result, by analyzing the method, we get a simple scheme for communication:
Attention expressed in posture - repetition of phrases - affirmative phrase - pause - designation of feelings - expression of one's perception - results.
Conversation by active listening method very unusual for our culture, and it is not easy to master it.
“How often do we leave children alone with a load of different experiences with our resolute “Late!”, "It's time to sleep", while a few minutes of listening could really soothe a child before bed. ”, - argues in his book Julia Gippenreiter.
It is important to remember one simple rule - any method, read book, theory, technique - will come to life only when you apply it every day. At first, you will have to pull yourself up, correct yourself, so as not to return to your previous, habitual reactions (“what a horror! You broke a vase, and even got hurt!”, etc.) But soon, you will feel how the method of active listening becomes part of your manners. That's when the most real miraculous transformations will begin: relations with children will move to a new qualitative level: understanding each other.
Active listening is a useful skill for establishing deep contact with the interlocutor, effectively finding a joint solution to issues. This is a complex communication skill, sometimes puzzling. For many, listening is the passive acceptance of information from other people.
The attitude to contact with the interlocutor was accurately described by the American satirist Mark Twain: “Most conversations are a monologue in the presence of witnesses.” But this position becomes a trap, falling into which we misinterpret the meaning of the conversation. The dialogue ends with misunderstanding, unpleasant sensations, problems in relationships. How to avoid it?
Active listening - what is it?
When talking with someone, often mentally we are not fully involved in the process. Our brain is busy with abstract processes:
- strong;
- thinking about personal problems;
- subjective assessment of the interlocutor.
These are familiar communication scenarios that seem normal. We listen, but we don't hear! This expresses a passive approach to contact with people, causing many difficulties. Active listening is the exact opposite of habitual listening. This is a process of conscious interaction, in which attention is riveted to the feelings of the interlocutor. There are no background noises in the head, extraneous processes (for example, appearance assessment) too.
We are absorbed in the moment here and now, so we direct the conversation in the right direction, get a mass useful information. It will not be distorted by our subjective mental filters. In addition, having learned the technique of active listening, you can send signals of interest to the interlocutor. They will become a solid foundation for fruitful relationships in the future.
Active Listening Technique: Basic Principles
No matter how eloquent the speaker is, we can only get the most out of the information presented if we learn to listen correctly. This is precisely the purpose of active listening. The main factors contributing to its development:
- Acceptance of the interlocutor for who he is. Represents careful and subjective assessments that can greatly interfere with understanding what is heard.
- Eye contact at eye level. It consists in keeping from the temptation to look at foreign objects or clothes of the interlocutor. It's better to look into the eyes.
- Asking questions. It is an appropriate clarification of meanings, which serves as a confirmation of sincere interest in the subject of conversation.
The technique of active listening is used in psychology. Psychologists describe it as the perception of information "with the whole body." It has been scientifically proven that active listening helps to better understand the condition of people. When communicating with clients, specialists use participatory dialogue techniques that help to more accurately determine their condition. Deep dive, establishing trust, analyzing the condition of patients provide effective assistance. These points serve to explain the second name of active listening - empathic.
The book "Miracles of Active Listening" will help to study the technique of establishing contact of active listening and argumentation in more depth. The author is a well-known Russian scientist, popularizer of science, honored psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter. She was the first to introduce the concept of active listening into our culture, describing what it includes, how it improves the quality of life many times over.
Effective Active Listening Techniques
There are many ways to turn passive listening into active listening. In addition to the above basic factors, there are three more techniques that are also worth familiarizing yourself with. They help you quickly understand the process.
Peculiarities | |
---|---|
Echo | It consists in repeating the last words of the partner, but with an interrogative intonation. This is the right moment to clarify and demonstrate the importance of the information coming from the interlocutor. Emphasis on the importance of the individual. |
Interpretation | It implies making assumptions about the goals and reasons for such a position of the interlocutor in the dialogue. Often begins with the phrase "I assume that you wanted to achieve the above ...". Allows you to demonstrate sincere interest in the opinion of another person and clarify the details. |
Paraphrasing | It is a short recap. The beginning of the sentence is the phrase: "If I understood correctly, you meant ...". Allows you to show interest and find out the nuances. |
Thus, active listening is a technology that almost always includes two components:
- clarification of the true meanings of the conversation;
- manifestation of signs confirming the value of dialogue.
Feeling their own importance and genuine interest in the conversation, the interlocutor becomes more open. This contributes to fruitful mutually beneficial communication, the emergence of trust, strong relationships. Such results are valuable in any area of life (communication with family members and friends, cooperation with partners and colleagues).
A powerful amplifier of all techniques and techniques of active listening is. People who know how to feel the state of others are able to quickly establish positive contact, use any technique appropriately and delicately. Therefore, in order to increase the effectiveness of the application of the selected techniques (from the list below), it is important to work on the level.
Pause
After the opponent has finished his story, you should just be silent for a couple of minutes. Such a pause will allow you to better digest what you heard, to separate emotions from the true subject of the conversation. Such a break will allow a speaking person to take a break, remember something important and say it. Often the use of such a technique helps him to open up even deeper after a short respite.
Please clarify
Sometimes the interlocutor misses a lot of important and interesting details in his story. Showing attention to them is a great way to emphasize the value of information coming from him and sincere interest in it. Also, this technique of active listening will help to avoid omissions and strengthen trusting relationships, to form in the imagination a complete picture of the topic of conversation.
We develop thought
Sometimes a person deviates from the essence of the conversation or cannot find the exact words to continue the topic. In this case, active listening to develop the main idea of the conversation will be an excellent assistant. It is necessary to return the speaker to the main thread of the dialogue and delicately develop it together with him.
Making a message
A technique that can be used to gently give feedback. Depending on the situational features, it can be implemented in two versions:
- Perception message. The listener shares his impressions of the partner or directly from the conversation. This approach is especially valuable for strengthening ties between children and parents, spouses.
- Self-perception message. In this case, the listener describes his internal state after the conversation, the changes that have occurred.
Whatever the message is (positive or negative), it is important to express it in a calm, friendly tone. Rudeness, aggressive accusations and other negative forms of expressing feelings instantly nullify the effectiveness of active listening.
We talk about emotions
This active listening technique involves open communication about the internal state of the interlocutor with an expression of a desire to support or help. For example, when the speaker gets very upset during the conversation, this technique is implemented by the phrase "I see how hard and painful it is for you to talk about this ...". Helps to demonstrate a sensitive attitude, which often becomes the basis of a trusting relationship.
Making comments about the conversation
The technique allows you to express the end result of the successful (or vice versa) development of the conversation. It is a comment about reaching a common understanding of the topic. If it has not been reached, the remark may reflect a problem of misunderstanding. This is how the next stage of its effective resolution is formed (after the exact formulation of the subject of the dispute or reticence).
Active listening techniques are different from techniques. They are based on the development of the skill to understand the meaning of the conversation deeper than words convey. It was mentioned above that the ability to empathize plays a huge role in the successful implementation of active listening and argumentation techniques. It is she who underlies modern methods manifesting itself at three basic levels:
- Empathy. It consists in the manifestation of the same emotions that take possession of the opponent. For example, when he cries, the listener also has tears in his eyes.
- Sympathy. It manifests itself in the form of an offer to help the interlocutor when he finds himself in a difficult situation.
- Sympathy. Represents a persistent supportive, benevolent attitude towards the speaker.
The use of methods is a way to penetrate into the inner world of another person, when the conversation is not limited to words. It becomes capacious and informative, but also requires large psycho-emotional costs. Although they are fully paid off by the subsequent formation of strong, trusting relationships.
The basic methods of active listening were formulated by the leader and creator of humanistic psychology, Carl Rance Rogers. They are as follows:
- Sincere, deep complicity in inner world speaking person.
- Open expression of feelings.
- Absence of characteristic roles limited to formal actions.
- Stable fulfillment of obligations in relation to the interlocutor.
A special place is given to empathic silence. This method involves not commenting to give the other person a chance to speak from the heart. But silence is accompanied by non-verbal signals that make the interlocutor feel interested in his situation and personality as a whole. They include head shakes, gestures, facial expressions, appropriately used in the process of communication.
To develop this useful skill, training in pairs is used. One of the participants plays the role of the listener, and the second - the speaker. Then they change places. On average, the duration of the exercises takes 30-45 minutes. During this time, the following steps are implemented:
- During the first 5 minutes, one of the interlocutors talks about personal difficulties, indicating the probable causes of their occurrence. The partner interacts with him using active listening techniques.
- A couple of minutes after the first stage is given to the speaker's statements about what specifically in the behavior of the listener helped or hindered opening up in the conversation.
- After that 5 minutes talking man continues to share his . Now about what features help him cope with the difficulties mentioned. The task of his partner is to continue to use active listening, taking into account the errors identified in the second stage.
- For the next 5 minutes, the listener summarizes what was learned from the previous two stories of the speaking partner. He only nods signs signaling agreement with him or vice versa. If incorrect interpretations are identified, the former listener corrects them in such a way that the interlocutor agrees with him.
The end of the first round of classes comes after the speaker from the pair can formulate exactly what exactly he was understood correctly, and where an erroneous interpretation occurred. After that, the partners switch roles.
Examples of the use of active listening techniques are found everywhere. At work, they are reflected in the form of improvement. The family helps to overcome crisis and conflict periods. At the same time, in any interaction, active listening manifests itself in two planes - non-verbal and verbal. The first involves facial expressions and gestures that make contact deeper. In the second, these are phrases correctly built in accordance with the chosen technique. For example:
- "What exactly do you mean?"
- "I understand you perfectly!"
- "It's really interesting!"
This also includes the question of how it happened what the interlocutor is talking about.
Conclusion
Speech is the main way of communication between people, which is often implemented with disdain. During a conversation, listeners are distracted from the essence of the conversation, do not perceive the information provided, or interpret it incorrectly. This then negatively affects relationships. The technique of active listening helps to eliminate these difficulties, so that interaction with people brings satisfaction and opens up new opportunities for development.
- Presentation on the development of speech on the topic: "Speech games and exercises for preschoolers" (by age) Download presentation speech development of preschoolers
- "Snow and snow" A. Blok. Alexander Blok - Snow and snow: Poem Away from home to the snowy expanse
- Ecological fairy tales for preschool children Who lives in the air story for children
- How to develop correct and competent speech in a child